Sad Life Update, Don’t Read If You Aren’t Ready For a Downer

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Have you noticed that I’ve been kind of off for the past week or so? I was sick, it was mostly that, but there was also other stuff going on. Which I want to share with you all, mostly in a kind of “Writing in order to process it” way. So, completely selfish. (don’t panic, I am still healthy and my parents are healthy and all of that is good. you can just ignore this post if you don’t want to read something sad, it’s not that important)

As I picture this, a year ago up in Dog Heaven, Dog God said “boy, my little Dog Hazel is gonna get really sick and die within the next year. The cancer is already in her blood. She has been abused and in shelters and miserable for her whole life up until now. I am going to give her the closest thing to heaven she can have for the rest of her life, just to make up for it.” And then Dog God went through his God Filofax and went “Aha! I have a young woman with a modest amount of disposable income who lives alone and is a total sucker for dogs and has a naturally nurturing personality and is home all the time. I will give Dog Hazel to her and DH will have the best possible life for the rest of her life, to make up for having a terrible life before this.”

Now, of course, this is when my Human God should have leaped in and said “now wait just one minute! My Human Margaret has done nothing wrong, why should she suffer and get a dog just long enough to fall in love with it and then lose it?” But, He didn’t.

My mother says that when terrible things are happening in your life, it is because God is working on something else really wonderful for you and wants to distract you so you don’t mess it up before He is ready. So maybe that is what is happening, Human God agreed to this bargain because he wanted me to be distracted while he worked on something wonderful. Or maybe He for some reason thinks a painful loss will be good for me, there is a greater plan in place, maybe I am going to grow as a person and be inspired to write a great novel or something and it will all make sense. Or maybe He owed Dog God a favor, I am pay off for some Dog that died saving a Human. Or maybe my Human God just fell asleep on the job and I ended up with a sucky thing happening to me, Gods do that some times.

Anyway, what this means is, for the past 2-3 months I have been going back and forth to the Vet who kept telling me “it’s probably nothing”, but I had a feeling in my gut that it really was something (part of the reason my DH posts slowed down considerably, that gut feeling kept building up). Over a week ago (same day I first got sick), I finally had a Vet tell me “it’s something”. And then today I went to a wonderful Vet specialist who was very blunt and straightforward and told me exactly what was happening and what to expect. Which was frankly a relief because I have had this feeling of stress and doom for months and months and I thought I was going crazy. Plus I was all alone in it, because there was nothing concrete to share with anyone else to make them feel stressed and doom-y too, it was just my gut telling me something bad was happening. But now I know I am not crazy, and I can legitimately claim sympathy from other people because a real thing is happening, not just my vague illogical fears.

Dog Hazel has a fatal and completely painless condition. At some point, either in a few days or a few weeks, probably no more than a month, she will curl up and lose interest in everything and I will know it is time. Until that point she will be as happy as a dog could ever be. No pain, no weakness, not even a loss of appetite. “Death” is usually the first symptom of this kind of cancer.

This is what dog ownership is, right? It’s buying a broken heart. I didn’t count on it happening quite so soon or so fast, but this was always how it was going to end. And Dog Hazel gets an extra year of life (she was scheduled to be put down before she was rescued), and gets to have a life with lots of treats and tummy rubs and love instead of abuse and scars. And I get to spoil a dog rotten, which is basically what I was put on this earth to do, so I am fulfilling my purpose.

Looked at that way, if Dog Hazel was already going to die, then giving her to me is fulfilling the best possible version of a cosmic plan. A bit hard on my wallet, and a bit hard on my heart, but I am the Human, it’s my job to take care of her.

(this is why I am the best person for Dog Hazel: when the Vet called to tell me the news, I ended the call by saying “I am so sorry you had to tell me this, it must have been awful for you. I hope you are okay.” So yes, I am very good at taking care of other people and forgetting myself. But it’s NOT FAIR! When is someone going to take care of me?)

33 thoughts on “Sad Life Update, Don’t Read If You Aren’t Ready For a Downer”

  2. Oh no. I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I had a feeling something else was going on, but thought it might be SAD combined with the cold. We just went through this with Bunny, but we had seven years with her. So much love to you and Dog Hazel. I’m an “all dogs go to heaven” kind of gal, so I think you two will meet again. I hope you have some fun and cuddly times for however long she’s got left.

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  3. I’m not a dog person,but always enjoyed reading about Dog Hazel.In a way I felt I was part of the journey- reading about that first temporary dog that was with you,then the quest for finding the perfect dog,finding her,naming her, your trips with her & the many photographs of her. Gosh,my heart breaks for you & Dog Hazel.True,she couldn’t have been with a better person to care for her. Hang in there,we are all with you-thinking of you & Hazel. All the love to you both.

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  4. Oh my gosh that’s awful. You truly were put on earth to spoil that dog rotten, and she’s had a very happy life with you. My heart is going out to you, but I am very glad to hear that Hazel is not in any pain.

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  6. Oh, I’m so sad to hear this! I’m sure for Dog Hazel, the happy year of her life made up for all the sad ones. Thank you for sharing your life with her, and for sharing her with us.

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  8. Oh my, that’s terrible news, and so hard on you. Hazel is indeed lucky to have such a wonderful, loving friend to give her the best possible love and care. Hugs to you both. xxx

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  9. Poor Hazel, and poor you. But at least she get to know what love is when you adopted her, and she’s happy with you. I think that is very important. You changed her world.

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  10. I’m so heartbroken to hear this. I hope you stay strong. Dog Hazel is indeed very lucky to have found you and you to have found her. Your posts with her were always fun and it’s like she became a part of our lives as well. Thankful that she won’t have to endure pain. Lots of love to both dog Hazel and You.

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  11. It’s so hard to lose a furry family member. We lost one of our cats this fall after eleven years, I had just a week or so of that low level dread before a crisis forced a late night drive to the emergency vet, and it is the worst to know something is wrong and not know what to do or if your gut is telling you the truth. In this case you did everything the best it could have been done. Knowing earlier wouldn’t have changed anything for her. Hugs from the internet. It’s true the bad stuff is part of life, but it doesn’t make it easier.

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    • Thank you!

      Yeah, I was thinking about that, I could have known months ago if I had pushed for a CT. Or if I hadn’t pushed now, I still wouldn’t have known until she died. Would either of them have been better? To have months of preparing to say good-bye? Or to not know at all until she didn’t get up one morning? I think I am happy with how it happened, I got to have several months of semi-dread but not really knowing, and it won’t be such a shock when she gets sick because I know it is coming.

      On Wed, Jan 9, 2019 at 8:17 AM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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  12. I’m so sorry. It’s just really hard. One of our cats has cancer and it will kill him eventually but for now he’s surviving with it so we are taking it one day at a time and enjoying him while we can, so I feel for you. Lots of hugs going out to you and Hazel.

    If this helps at all, my mother in law talked a lot about how animals always live in present time. They don’t think about the past and they don’t dread the future. It’s always about what’s happening right now. And if you are loving on Hazel and feeding her and making her safe and warm, it’s kind of like she’s living in a spot of eternity where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

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    • I feel like, so long as there is no pain, animals can do much better with sickness than humans. Pain is my nightmare though, because you can’t explain it to them, and they are living in this little eternity of pain with no memory of before and no hope of after. If she had been less far advanced, the Vet was suggesting an amputation and very mild chemo which would have been a hard choice for that reason.

      I hope your cat has a nice peaceful decline with minimal pain. And I am sure she is also having a nice little eternity of happiness in the meantime.

      On Wed, Jan 9, 2019 at 10:12 AM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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  13. That’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you have to through this, but Hazel is a very lucky and happy dog and that’s what you’ll remember. I’m glad that she’s not in too much pain and that she can enjoy the rest of her life in a loving home. Big hug.

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  15. I adopted my Ronin and Gracie 2 years ago when they were 12 years old and 14 years old, respectively. I knew going in that our time together would be short and, sure enough, I lost Gracie 2 days before this past Christmas. Even though you think that you are prepared for it, you are never really, truly ready. You can just remember that you did your best and gave that precious creature all the love and comfort that you could.
    Gracie lived for 14 years under horrific, abusive conditions. At the end, she had 2 years of comfort and kindness. That made all the difference to her. You have given Hazel a loving home and the care she needed. You have her heart as she has yours.
    When the time comes, be sad but be proud that you were there for her. She’s one of the lucky ones. She has you.

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  16. I’m so so sorry to hear 😥
    But I want to assure you that there is a way to heal! The mind is the controller of the body, if the mind believes a certain thing, the body will follow. Are you familiar with subliminal affirmations and frequencies? It’s related to the law of attraction, we attract towards us what we believe we have. Subliminal affirmations condition your subconscious in a certain way. There are so many healing and health related ones that have made MAJOR changes in people’s health. There’s this dog healing subliminal https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zcRMqOycAWo

    All you have to do is play it on your laptop or computer( or even from a phone) a couple times a day for her, you can also play it as she’s sleeping! It has healing frequencies and affirmations, I used them for a pet of my own before, a kitten that fell 3 stories and couldnt walk, she healed completely after. Here’s one more video you can use https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YdS6sCpOR2E

    Check the instructions, most say low volume. Headphones can be used but of course could be hard with a dog.

    Another thing you can do is send healing energy, spend 20 min a day just visualising Hazel healing completely. Rub your hands together and pull them apart slowly and you’ll feel a tension between them. Then visualise healing energy between your hands. Visualise it going to Hazel and healing her. Visualise her a year from now being healed. The thing is all of this operates on emotion, whatever emotional state you focus on. So feel the gratitude and happiness of her being healed. And maintain a positive attitude. Please give it a try! It works!

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  17. I am so sorry to hear this. It must have been so difficult to have that unknown overhanging dread. Know that Hazel has had a good life with you. Keep her comfortable and take care of yourself.

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