Silly Sunday FanFic: Final Sex Post! Our Favorite Movies if They Were Allowed to Include Sex, DDLJ and Jab We Met and Ra.One and Om Shanti Om and Chak De India and Dangal

Are those all our favorite movies? I think so! If I forgot something, throw it in the comments and I’ll sex that up too.

These movies exist in a strange PG13 world where sex doesn’t fully exist. I just want to play around with what would happen if it did.

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayange with Sex

I’m not gonna have Shahrukh and Kajol have sex, at least not right away. But I am going to play a little with what the plot would look like if our leads weren’t so perfectly celibate.

You know Kajol’s friend Sheena? Who Shahrukh zeroes in on as the most likely target in Kajol’s friend group while traveling? Let’s play out what would happen if she and Shahrukh had sex.

Kajol is irritated with Shahrukh after “Ruk Ja”, leaves early, and then wakes up in the middle of the night to hear slightly tipsy Shahrukh and Sheena stumbling back into Sheena’s room next door, separated from Kajol by a thin wall. Kajol hears Shahrukh and Sheena giggle and kiss, then talk about whether Shahrukh has a condom and he says he always does because he is ever ready, and they giggle again, then have sex, Kajol hears everything and blushes and is confused and doesn’t know what to do. The next day, Shahrukh and Sheena are interacting like normal, not like they are ashamed of what they did or like they are in love forever and ever, but just like they are friendly. Kajol is even more confused and angry and can’t figure out why.

Image result for ddlj sheena

What would this do to the plot? It would make it even clearer that Shahrukh’s character feels something for Kajol beyond just sexual attraction. He has a perfectly friendly and willing and available option, but he would rather chase after the difficult rude woman. And it would explain Kajol’s seemingly disproportionate anger and dislike and distrust towards Shahrukh, combined with her suddenly sexually aggressive behavior when drunk, that he is the first man she has been forced by circumstances to consider as a a sexual person.

In the second half, I’d also be okay with seeing Chutki sleeping on the terrace so Shahrukh and Kajol can have the room. We already have them secretly meeting at night to talk and flirt and hold each other, just a slight change could make it secret sex meetings without affecting the plot too much.

Not saying it would be a better movie, but interesting to think about, right?

Jab We Met

Shahid and Kareena both meet after having just ended serious relationships. The film doesn’t specify if they were sexual relationships or not, but it might be interesting if that was specified.

Kareena is convinced that her boyfriend from high school is her True Love and she absolutely must marry him. The film actually makes more sense if we assume they had a sexual relationship. Kareena, a good girl, would have justified that relationship by promising herself that they would be married someday so it is fine. She can’t accept the break up because that would make what she did a wrong thing. When she is rejected, over and over again, it makes her feel like a fallen woman, like she has no choice but to live her life in shame. All that tracks perfectly with what we see.

Image result for kareena shahid jab we met hug

Here’s where I would actually break free from the existing film a bit. When Shahid shows up to cheer her up, I want them to not just share a moment while embracing, but to have sex. And afterwards, I want Shahid to propose. Kareena learns she is capable of having good sex and feeling those things with someone beyond her ex-boyfriend, and that having sex doesn’t means he is soiled and ruined, Shahid still wants to marry her. And then her ex-boyfriend calls and says he loves her after all. Kareena is now freed of her feelings of sin and guilt and can think rationally about what she really wants in life, and picks Shahid.

Ra.One

Forgive me, I just think this would be hot. Before “Chammak Challo”, Kareena and Robot Shahrukh have a moment when she explains what Karwa Chauth is and how it is strange for her that Shahrukh is her husband but not her husband, and then they hug and Kareena feels sparks.

And then in my version, they have robot sex! Why not! Shahrukh is her husband, sort of, after all. And then “Chammak Challo” is even hotter thinking of it as the celebration of a couple who just had sex for the first time, and the finale is even more dramatic with Shahrukh saving the woman he loves and so on and so forth. And also, robot sex!

Image result for kareena shahrukh ra.one

Om Shanti Om

This isn’t a sexless movie, we know that Arjun Rampal is a Bad Man who seduced innocent Past Deepika. But I think it would be interesting to clarify about sex stuff in the present day section. Or at least imagine what that would look like.

Just to add to the journey we see Present Day SRK go through from an uncaring star to a better man, let’s deal with the groupies. When he is first introduced waking up in the morning, there’s a young woman with him, he gives her an autograph and a romantic line and sends her on her way. Clearly this is his routine, has sex with attractive fans in a consensual fun-for-all-involved kind of way.

We see him interacting in a sexy way with fans straight through the film, on sets and so on, meeting pretty girls and taking them back to his dressing room and stuff. But then he has his flashback, and part of that is understanding the feelings of the fan, the fan who is deeply in love with the star. He is no longer comfortable just sleeping with these women. Maybe there is even a comic scene when he suddenly gets uncomfortable with a young woman after they are in the bedroom, and she yells at him because he slept with everyone else in her fan club, how dare he turn her down? She wants her “one night with a star” story!!!!

Image result for shahrukh om shanti om

And then he meets Deepika 2. She does everything he asks, but he decides to tell her the full story when he realizes he is just taking advantage of her in a different way. She deserves to make a full informed decision as an equal. Part of telling her the whole story is also explaining why he felt it was wrong not to tell her, and how he used to just have sex with fans like her. Deepika says she is glad she was lucky enough to meet him now, she would much rather have the chance to get to know the real man under the star than just have one fantasy night together. It’s the start of Shahrukh and Deepika 2 connection as two people, not as Star and Fan.

Chak De India

Again, there is sex in this film, we know that Sagarike is having sex with her Cricket player boyfriend. But there are also still areas that aren’t quite covered and I am curious what would happen if they were included. Just as a thought experiment.

There are three sex scenes I think it would be interesting to include. First, that some of the women on the team have purely sexual relationships. It wouldn’t be complicated to include, something in the first picking beds scene that shows returning players shoving two beds together and starring down people who ask about it, later seeing some of the players from more rural areas being uncomfortable and sitting apart from them. During the section when Shahrukh is making them practice hard and they are tending to each other’s bodies, some of the players flinch away when the ones having sex touch them, but they are told by the others not to be stupid, let them help. And then when they arrive in Australia, we see the team as a group swap rooms so the sex partners can have a room together, including the ones who were initially uncomfortable. I don’t want this to be some big epic romance, or storyline, but it seems reasonable for two of the women sharing quarters for this long period to have a sexual relationship of convenience, and I like the idea of everyone on the team coming to just accept this reality and be cool about it.

Image result for chak de india

The other scene I’d like to see is our married goalie being surprised by her husband who came down to visit her during training. She gets an off pass and goes to a hotel with him, but when they are in bed and he starts to move on her, she shoves him off because she is in training, everything aches, and she doesn’t want to. And then there is a big fight that debates the question of if her body is there for her to play Hockey for India, or for her to have sex with her husband. They say good-bye the next morning, and she lays it out for him that her body is her body, it is always up to her what she wants to do with it. He doesn’t have a response to that, but their reunion at the end-end of the film says that he has finally understood and accepted what she says.

And finally, the third scene, which explains how very physical Shahrukh has seemingly no sex life. I want a scene between when he is hired by the hockey committee and starts training camp that shows him in bed with his partner, casually talking about his plans. And a discussion of how, once again, there will be no sex during training. They have clearly been sex partners for years, since Shahrukh’s previous athletic career. And there’s a frank discussion of their mutual schedules, they realize this is going to be their last chance for sex before Shahrukh starts training and they had better make it count. I honestly don’t care if the sex partner is male or female, just that they are age appropriate and the conversation clarifies that they are primarily sex partners, each with their own busy lives (maybe the other person is a single parent). Shahrukh is still single and devoted to his mother and cares about hockey more than anything as before, just also has sex regularly like a healthy adult person. Adds another layer to the scenes when he is rumored to be with the goalie, and when Shilpa Shukla tries to seduce him, that everyone is whispering and making assumptions but the audience knows he has an above board reliable sex situation and all of this is pointless.

Dangal

There is no sex in this movie! And it’s a good movie, that’s fine. But again, interesting to speculate.

Aamir and Sakshi Tanwar have 5 daughters. They must have an active sex life, right? And yet we don’t really get any of that. I’d like to see the girls casually playing outside because Mom and Dad are having “alone time” at some point. Or Sakshi comforting Aamir after he loses a wrestling match to his daughter by kissing him and telling him he is still the sexiest man she knows.

And also, I want to see Fatima and her friend/girlfriend from training fooling around under the blankets.

6 thoughts on “Silly Sunday FanFic: Final Sex Post! Our Favorite Movies if They Were Allowed to Include Sex, DDLJ and Jab We Met and Ra.One and Om Shanti Om and Chak De India and Dangal

    • Good news! I decided to make this a weekly series, at least for a little bit.

      On Sun, Feb 16, 2020 at 1:11 PM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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  1. I have a problem with robot sex. The fact that robot SRK has better chemistry with Kareena than her husband SRK has always bothered me. But a scene with her an a dildo with Robot SRK listening in and getting confused would work.

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    • But there’s no depth! no character development! That’s just Robot SRK getting confused again. I want them to embrace the concept of Robot SRK as a viable romantic partner.

      On Mon, Feb 17, 2020 at 8:41 PM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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