Have you noticed that I’ve been kind of off for the past week or so? I was sick, it was mostly that, but there was also other stuff going on. Which I want to share with you all, mostly in a kind of “Writing in order to process it” way. So, completely selfish. (don’t panic, I am still healthy and my parents are healthy and all of that is good. you can just ignore this post if you don’t want to read something sad, it’s not that important)
Now, of course, this is when my Human God should have leaped in and said “now wait just one minute! My Human Margaret has done nothing wrong, why should she suffer and get a dog just long enough to fall in love with it and then lose it?” But, He didn’t.
My mother says that when terrible things are happening in your life, it is because God is working on something else really wonderful for you and wants to distract you so you don’t mess it up before He is ready. So maybe that is what is happening, Human God agreed to this bargain because he wanted me to be distracted while he worked on something wonderful. Or maybe He for some reason thinks a painful loss will be good for me, there is a greater plan in place, maybe I am going to grow as a person and be inspired to write a great novel or something and it will all make sense. Or maybe He owed Dog God a favor, I am pay off for some Dog that died saving a Human. Or maybe my Human God just fell asleep on the job and I ended up with a sucky thing happening to me, Gods do that some times.
Anyway, what this means is, for the past 2-3 months I have been going back and forth to the Vet who kept telling me “it’s probably nothing”, but I had a feeling in my gut that it really was something (part of the reason my DH posts slowed down considerably, that gut feeling kept building up). Over a week ago (same day I first got sick), I finally had a Vet tell me “it’s something”. And then today I went to a wonderful Vet specialist who was very blunt and straightforward and told me exactly what was happening and what to expect. Which was frankly a relief because I have had this feeling of stress and doom for months and months and I thought I was going crazy. Plus I was all alone in it, because there was nothing concrete to share with anyone else to make them feel stressed and doom-y too, it was just my gut telling me something bad was happening. But now I know I am not crazy, and I can legitimately claim sympathy from other people because a real thing is happening, not just my vague illogical fears.
Dog Hazel has a fatal and completely painless condition. At some point, either in a few days or a few weeks, probably no more than a month, she will curl up and lose interest in everything and I will know it is time. Until that point she will be as happy as a dog could ever be. No pain, no weakness, not even a loss of appetite. “Death” is usually the first symptom of this kind of cancer.
This is what dog ownership is, right? It’s buying a broken heart. I didn’t count on it happening quite so soon or so fast, but this was always how it was going to end. And Dog Hazel gets an extra year of life (she was scheduled to be put down before she was rescued), and gets to have a life with lots of treats and tummy rubs and love instead of abuse and scars. And I get to spoil a dog rotten, which is basically what I was put on this earth to do, so I am fulfilling my purpose.
Looked at that way, if Dog Hazel was already going to die, then giving her to me is fulfilling the best possible version of a cosmic plan. A bit hard on my wallet, and a bit hard on my heart, but I am the Human, it’s my job to take care of her.
(this is why I am the best person for Dog Hazel: when the Vet called to tell me the news, I ended the call by saying “I am so sorry you had to tell me this, it must have been awful for you. I hope you are okay.” So yes, I am very good at taking care of other people and forgetting myself. But it’s NOT FAIR! When is someone going to take care of me?)