Pretty sure we’ve already done this at some point in the past, but casting is always a moving target with new actors being launched every day. Plus, I just saw the movie! We should celebrate that.

Do you ever watch Downton Abbey and have a sudden urge of “burn it! burn it all down!” Or is that just me?

I mean, good lord! Such rich selfish whiny people!!! So one fanfic I would love to write is the “the government claims the entire estate and all the belongings for back taxes, over a happy musical montage the family watches everything they ever loved be auctioned off to Americans and New Money business types, then the building is bulldozed and low income housing put up along with a hospital, where an elderly woman is brought for free medical care, picked up on the streets ranting about how she used to be Lady Mary, cared for by a team of middle-class doctors who are the descendants of her former servants.”

Setting aside that fanfic, we can write a simple “waning days of the Raj” fanfic with a wealthy Anglosized Indian family. We have the pompous but means well Lord Grantham, the sweet outsider American Lady Grantham, the difficult intelligent sophisticated oldest daughter Lady Mary, the constantly ignored and put upon middle daughter Lady Edith, the rebellious and beautiful youngest daughter Lady Sybil. And then there is the terrifying dowager Lady Grantham, the chauffeur who is in love with Lady Sybil, and the poor relation Matthew who thanks to sudden deaths has become the new heir and starts a romance with Lady Mary. Also the authoritarian Butler and, most important, the sneaky gay footman Thomas.

I have many casting ideas!

Idea 1:

Lord Grantham: Sanjay Dutt (very good at looking tired and older)

Lady Grantham: Manisha Koirala (very good at looking older and fragile)

Lady Mary: Kareena Kapoor (brittle, difficult, but ultimately you have to like her)

Lady Edith: Katrina Kaif maybe? It’s hard to think of an actress who can pull off “unnoticed”, it’s not usually what makes someone an actor.

Lady Sybil: Sara Ali Khan. She would be PERFECT at this.

Lady Grantham: Shabana Azmi. She’s not quite old enough, but she is amazing at line delivery so I don’t care.

Tom Branson/Chauffeur: Hmm. Ranveer maybe? That kind of lowclass energy and anger?

Matthew: Shahid. They really had great chemistry together onscreen, softened each others edges.

Carson/Butler: Anupam Kher. Obviously

Thomas/Gay Footman: Rajkummar Rao. It’s the best role, deserves the best actor.

Alternative cast:

Lord Grantham: Anil Kapoor

Lady Grantham: Juhi Chawla

Lady Mary: Deepika Padukone, like in Piku.

Lady Edith: Sonam Kapoor. We can all be as irritated by her as the fellow characters.

Lady Sybil: Alia Bhatt

Lady Grantham: Daisy Irani. Wrong look, but so entertaining onscreen!

Tom Branson/Chauffeur: Varun Dhawan

Matthew: Ranveer this time around

Carson/Butler: Boman Irani

Thomas/Gay Butler: Vikrant Massay

Now, plot! First half is all about Lady Mary and Matthew negotiating an arranged marriage/engagement, and at the same time Tom Branson and Lady Sybil negotiating their secret forbidden love story. And in the background, the complex torment of the gay butler who tries to destroy the happiness of everyone else because he can’t be happy, ditto the unhappy middle-sister. Mary and Matthew get married in a grand wedding at the same time that Tom Branson and Lady Sybil have eloped and are having their secret wedding.

And then I’m gonna go off the reservation for the second half. Thomas the Butler finally finds happiness at the wedding when the wedding planner from the city woos him and sweeps him off his feet. Now that he is happy, he wants to make everyone else happy. He gives Lady Edith a make over and helps her with her romance with the shy man she met at the wedding who turns out to be the heir to an even bigger family. He helps Mary and Matthew not fight all the time post-marriage. And he acts as a go-between and uses schemes to force the family to forgive and welcome back Sybil and Tom. It ends with Edith’s wedding, with Tom and Sybil in attendance, and Lady Mary pregnant, and Thomas the Butler and the cook sneaking kisses in the kitchen.

Thoughts? Opinions? Should we jettison the rich folks entirely and just make a movie about a tormented gay butler? Should we make it modern day so it is Dil Dhadakne Do? Should I go back to my original thought and have a nice happy story about rich people punished for their blind greed and self-interest by seeing everything they love destroyed around them? Maybe with a nice Communist anthem playing in the background as the children of the servants storm the palace to avenge the slights to their family?