This is not a good movie for a summary, because so much of it was in the delivery and the sight gags and so on.  But I will do my best!  More for people who already saw it and are trying to remember exactly how all the twists happened.

We open in Chandni Chowk, a sweet shop owner is having a grand celebration, his son is about to ceremonial make his first batch of jalabis!  It’s a clear reference to the Muharat for a film, big fancy crowd, enthusiastic father, a respected elder of the sweet shop community even comes to hand over the ceremonial jalabi spoon.  Oh man, now I want jalabis!  Of course, that doesn’t mean anything, I always want jalabis.  I do not want churros, which is what the subtitles insist on calling them.  The son, Manish Paul, is less excited.  And is wearing an “Ullu da Puttha” shirt, in an obvious reference to this song from the original.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6kZ8DMtYAM

 

He makes an excuse to leave the ceremony and dramatically throws open the doors of his room, with a towel draped around his shoulders and arms spread out as one source of light highlights his face.  Clear Pyaasa reference.  And great!  Tortured artist Guru Dutt deserves to be taken down a few notches!

Speaking of Guru Dutt, as he enters his room we see all the directors’ posters he has on the wall, starting with Rajkumar Hirani and ending with Guru Dutt.  Clearly, this boy is movie mad!  Which is why he runs away from home and takes the train to Bombay.  Packing his film school diploma in the bag, certifying that he is a “Duffur”.  I can’t remember how they managed to make it into that anagram, but it’s pretty great!

And then, montage of producer meetings!  I can’t remember the first one, but the second was an over the top casting couch, with the producer playing a flute, and then suggesting Manish Paul show him how well he can play his “flute”.  And the third one was a guy with a big office and fake photos of him with SRK and Salman on the wall, who says he can’t do anything until he finds a star, movies only get made with big stars.

After the series of depressing meetings, our hero is wandering the streets, and smells jalabis, his nemesis!  He goes over to the stand and sees on the newspapers being used to serve them, an ad!  The Shetty sisters will take any idea for a movie!  Just go meet them!  Our hero is euphoric!  He steals the newspaper and runs away leaving the jalabi-wallah to yell after him!

On the bus to the meeting, there is a terrible folk singer.  I wish I could remember the lyrics he is singing, but they are terrible!  Hilariously bad.  Our hero looks at the folk singer, looks down at the paper, sees a picture of Osama next to the Shetty sisters ad, and Idea!  He rushes over and grabs the folk singer, and takes him out for a meal at a roadside stand.  The folk singer, Paddi Singh, does not like this idea!  He is an artist, a singer, he doesn’t want to be in a movie!  But our hero convinces him he can make him a Star!

And, Shetty Sisters!  Who actually did produce the movie, and are possibly playing themselves.  Manish Paul gives them a whole spiel, which is just the plot of Tere Bin Laden 1.  A Pakistani reporter who is desperate for a big pay out finds an Osama look alike and fakes a tape!  And to help with the film, here is Paddi Singh, the Osama look alike!  The Shetty sisters love it!  We’re making a movie!  I am thrilled!  I know it was just a farce, but I was really happy with the ending to Tere Bin Laden 1 and I was all worried that the same characters would have to suffer new challenges in this one!  But no, they went a different way.

And we have our first awesome stick it to PETA gag!  At the end of Tere Bin Laden 1, of course, the prize rooster of our Osama impersonator sacrifices his life by grabbing the grenade and flying it away, only to explode in an obviously fake burst of feathers.  We get to see that filmed, only then our director yells “Cut”!  The explosion came to soon, bring in another chicken!  (crewman in the back passes another chicken forward)  Go again, and “Cut”!  This time, it was too late!  Another chicken!  And then finally “Cut!”  And “Break!”  And , “try to pick up the pieces, you know, for dinner.”

Then we get to meet the cast of the picture!  They managed to take the essential characteristics of the characters they played in the original movie and just translate them into actors, which is brilliant!  So it feels like a little continuity, but isn’t really, so they are free to change the plot as needed.  The dedicated radical radio announcer turns into a dedicated method actor, the shy Arabic translator turns into a shy character actor who doesn’t know Arabic, and the make-up artist who aspires to owning a beauty salon and has a crush on the Osama imitator becomes a somewhat ditzy starlet who has a crush on Paddi Singh (she loves his “rustic look”).

And, of course, Ali Zafar!  Who is introduced with a massive glamour shot followed by girlish screams, while his director Manish Paul goes “Isn’t this his first movie too?  How does he even know how to do that?”

And the movie is a hit!  As we all know.  Posters of Ali everywhere, and a newscaster (this guy does a really good job, by the way.  Just slightly over the top “emphatic arms!” gestures) declares it is a hit!  Manish Paul and his star, Paddi Singh, prepare to enter the success party.  Only to be turned away at the door until Ali Zafar waves them in.  Because, of course, the star is the one who matters, not the director or the character actor who made the film.  And, once they are inside, Ali dramatically announces, a SEQUEL!  Tere Bin Laden 2!!!

Also hearing about it is the CIA!  Big Sikander Kehr in stupid white pancake make-up is watching going “What is this?”  His eager young woman assistant explains, it is a “Bollywood” film about Osama, a comedy.  And by the way, a couple of guys they were watching just bought a bootleg copy in Abbottabad.  The CIA chief can’t pronounce Abbottabad, there is a great back and forth, she tries to correct him, he still can’t get it, she tries again, he can’t get it, stops trying, she follows him mumbling “It’s not hard!  It’s just “abot-a-bed”.  I love this running gag!  Because, yes!  Why can’t big important American men learn how to pronounce things?  And why is it always the young female assistants who have to figure it out and correct them?  Oh, but this gives them the vital clue to start looking in Abbottabad.

(Abbottabad.  It’s pretty, right?)

Meanwhile, somewhere unknown, a group of men are hanging out wearing what we have come to identify as Al Qaeda wear, big loose shirts, beards, and so on.  And the leader comes out and announces “The Terror Olympic Games!”  And the winner gets to wear a suicide vest signed by Osama himself!  It says “Lots of Luck!  Osama”.  And to start it off, they will send a toy bomb, down a wire, into a toy white house!  Only, it gets hung up halfway down the wire.  But they fiddle with it a little and there it goes!  Into the White House!  Where it fails to blow up.  But, wait for it, there it goes!  Everyone cheers!  And the games begin!

This bit is so dark and so funny!  First there is the live explosive relay, then the bomb throwing competition, and all the competitors are of course reminded “Please carry your own limbs off the field.”  Until, drone!  They all run!

And back in Washington, drone’s eye view!  A bunch of guys in uniform are gathered around a screen watching.  Big loud talking terrible whiteface make-up having Sikander Kehr walks in and says “Hey, they’re just having fun!  It’s funny!”  But, he decides to turn it into a shooting game anyway, sitting down at a video game controller and starting to shoot.  He keeps going, strafing the field, until he hits a donkey.  At which point, the visuals freeze and a big red “PETA” comes up on the screen.  Because, soon as you kill and animal, it’s all over!

The next day, Manish Paul and Paddi Singh complain to each other, Ali is taking over the film from them.  But, Manish realizes, without Paddi, there is no film!  So he goes back to the Shetty sisters and says that they want to make a sequel, but Paddi is refusing to work unless Ali is out of the film.  So, no Ali!  They call him, he answers the phone while getting a shirtless massage and goes “oh.  too bad” basically.  I love Ali!  He nails the self-involved shallow idiot movie star with absolutely no self-consciousness.  I wish he could have been the whole story!

So now we are filming the sequel!  Bigger!  Better!  Paddi Singh is up on wires being lifted into the sky, and the word comes down, Osama mard gaya!  Cut to, the White House!  Sikander Kehr introduces President Obama, and it’s This Guy!

 

This guy does SUCH A GOOD JOB!!!  So good!  He’s a great Obama, but he’s also just legit funny!  And also, this rap is awesome!  And they cut over to Sikander Kehr fake spinning the records thing like rappers do (I am not good with music) and grinning in delight, which just makes it better!

A note on Sikander’s white face, by the way.  It is just so bad, and so funny because of it!  It’s like the clown version of a white man, all the innate funny looking features exaggerated and turned into parody.  Big white powder all over his face, stringy comb over hair, big torso and big cowboy accent.  Oh, and an eager young woman following him around and hanging on his every word.

Back in Bombay, no more movie!  Paddi Singh is literally left hanging, up on the wires.  Manish is also in trouble, because the Shetty sisters would like their money back.  Manish and Paddi Singh sit around feeling sorry for themselves.

Meanwhile, Obama is also feeling sorry for himself.  He is in a conference room with a bunch of guys in suits picking over pictures on the table, finally he sends them all out so he can talk to Sikander Kehr alone.  Sikander’s name is “David Dosomething”, by the way.  Pretty much a perfect criticism of US foreign policy right there.  The problem is, he needs proof!  They are going to want proof!  And this is just photos of pieces of a face!

Sikander Kehr explains that “the boys” got excited, they kind of tore the face apart before they could take photos.  Well, what about the body?  Are the images of that?  “You don’t want to see the body.”

Meanwhile, back in unidentified place, the Al Qaeda looking guys are throwing rocks at a factory gate, protesting shoddy workmanship!  The owner of the factory comes out to explain, they are doing the best they can!  There just isn’t the money since Osama died!  They have to split the powder between three bombs instead of just one.  But, to make up for it, for one night only they are showing an Osama retrospective!  All of his films!  And, there will be popcorn and candy available!

Everyone loves movies, so this calms them right down!  Classic image of the audience caught up in the magic of film!  Wide-eyed, eating cotton candy, just like a Chaplin retrospective.  Only, it’s a bunch of scary looking bearded guys watching old footage of Osama.  Or are they?  Nope!  In the middle of the screening, suddenly there’s a bit of Tere Bin Laden!  Oops!  Everyone starts beating up the projectionist who finally confesses, he bought a bootleg comedy from “Bollywood”!  No one can tell the difference, so he just added in bits from that!  Which gives our head bearded guy an idea!

(Like this, but a bunch of Mujaheddin.  Also, how good is Sullivan’s Travels?  So good!  And I feel like Preston Sturges would have gotten a real kick out of Tere Bin Laden, by the way)

Meanwhile, Obama is heading towards the same idea.  He is talking to his therapist, explaining that everyone wants proof!  He keeps seeing Osama everywhere, he can’t forget him!  (we see him look through the window and see a gardener who looks like Osama to him).  Later, he is at a fancy dinner, when an older woman comes up and asks him for a dance.  He starts to dance with her, suddenly pictures her as Osama, drops her on the ground, only for people to rush up and help “Mrs. Bush.”  Ha!

But, David Dosomething had an idea!  They are going to use that Tere Bin Laden picture.  But first, he has to get a disguise.  For which they hold up a helpful worksheet on which he can pick the shade of brown he wants.  He picks North Indian, which is between Mexican and Afghani.  They put on a big fake stomach with fake hair, add a mustache, a gold chain, and aha!  He has become Punjabi!  And to help with the voice, a fake mole with a speaker hidden in it that somehow magically gives him a big Punjabi accent!  It’s the perfect disguise! (also, again, Sikander Kehr is so good in this!)

Meanwhile, back in Bombay, Manish Paul is getting desperate.  He is showing his apartment, but the renters get scared off when they see Paddi Singh in the bathtub.  There is another knock on the door, he goes to open it and starts to give the sales pitch for the apartment, only it is David Dosomething!  In brown face, and going by “David Chadha”, and still accompanied by “Junior”, his female assistant.

 

They introduce themselves as from Hollywood!  Immediate awe and excitement, because of course nothing gets Indian film types excited like a possible connection to Hollywood.  They are from a company called “CIA”, that is “Cinema In America”.  And they want to film a movie using Paddi, they need him to go on location to “Somewhere!  In….Somewhere!”  Of course, Paddi is very excited.  But he wants his mentor director to come with.  Sikander Kehr and “Junior” discuss it briefly in English (love this, the converse of the usual Indian film trick of talking about something in Hindi to hide it from the white people) and decide it won’t make any difference, they can just kill them both instead of only killing Paddi and filming it.

Manish Paul and Paddi Singh are super excited!  They pack their suitcase for “Hollywood!” and take time out to call Ali Zafar and abuse him.  I guess they couldn’t get Ali to come back for another cameo for a reaction shot, it still adds a little zip to the film just by invoking his name.

Speaking of Ali, it’s time for the best part of the whole movie!  “6 Pack Abs”!  The Mujaheddin have made their way to Bombay and are trying to kidnap Ali Zafar.  So the stumble on to a film set where he is making the epic classic “6 Pack Abs”.  Only then they realize that they don’t want him, they just want Paddi, the fake-Osama actor, so they leave.

Which brings us back to Manish Paul and Paddi Singh who hear the car the “CIA” promised to send to take them to location arrive below.  The run downstairs, and are thrilled to see that it is an authentic Mujaheddin looking car!  With two authentic Mujaheddin driving it!  So Hollywood!  All this authenticity!

Minutes later, the actual CIA van pulls up to find them already gone.  But not to worry!  They can pull out their handy “I See You” machine and track the cell phones!  And, Interval! (I think.  It isn’t really an “interval” kind of movie, so it is hard to remember exactly when it happens).

When we come back, the Mujaheddin van has pulled up at a place identified as “Somewhere in Somewhere” on the chyron.  I miss the hyper-specificity of the original, which was so clearly about modern semi-urban Pakistan.  But I like that, since the script wasn’t that specific this time around, they decided to not specify whether we were in Afghanistan, Pakistan, or even remote India.

When they get out of the car, Manish Paul and Paddi Singh continue to discuss how “realistic” this Hollywood set is!  The dirt!  The goats!  The guns!  They go into a dark shed for filming, and mention a urine smell (which is somehow the grossest detail for me), and then notice that the bags on the floor are moving.  They open them up and discover, the rest of the Tere Bin Laden cast!  Who has been brought here to fulfill their characters from the original, the make-up artist, the mimic, and the Arabic translator.  Manish Paul and Paddi are thrilled!  The whole cast can be in the sequel!  The other actors are a little more dubious, since they were kidnapped and brought here in sacks, but they are still game!  So long as maybe they can get a flight home, instead of traveling back the same way.  Again, spot on parody of the desperation of the Indian actor to be part of Hollywood, even if it means being kidnapped!

Then the head guy shows up!  Big ominous music, whole thing.  Manish Paul immediately recognizes him as the chief.  Only, for his character, he should be dirtier!  So he grabs some dirt off the floor and smears it on his face.  At which point, he gets knocked out and everyone realizes that this is really real.

So, the rest of the cast decides to do their best.  The Arabic translator-character actor fakes up some dialogue, the mimic tries to do the voice and, in the best sight gag, we see the actress making deep faces and working with her make-up bag like she is actually accomplishing something, only to step back and reveal Paddi Singh, with girlish pink cheeks and lovely long eyelashes and eye-shadow.  Everything else is a similar disaster, so they threaten the cast again, who say they are just actors!  They can’t do anything without a director!

Which is good timing, because Manish Paul is about to be shot.  He doesn’t realize that, of course, he is walking away from camp with one of the Mujaheddin saying “oh yes!  Lovely area!  We can get a great shot here!  What is it you are planning to shoot?”  Which of course is the perfect straight line for the Mujaheddin to reply “You!”  Just as he raises his gun, another bad guy comes running up screaming at him to “stop!  Stop!  We need him!”

And, back to set!  Now, with a director in place, everything works perfectly.  The Arabic translator still doesn’t know Arabic, but he manages to fake some nonsense, the Mimic is inspired to actually manage the imitation, and Paddi Singh’s make-up is worked out.  Perfect shot!  Time to pack-up!

Meanwhile, the CIA are getting closer and closer!  We see Sikander Kehr and Junior riding with a bunch of army guys in a helicopter.  Sikander is using that cool guy sign language to ask how long until they reach.  Only the sign language is humorously a little off.  For instance, Junior responds “30 minutes tops” by signing 30, and then patting the top of her head.  Finally Sikander gives up and yells “Why are we signing?  Isn’t this a silent helicopter?”  Junior responds by pointing to the guy just out of frame who the camera now pulls back to reveal was using an electric shaver.  Ha!

Good thing they are on their way, because the bad guys aren’t so eager to let our film crew go.  Instead, they suggest they stay and keep making movies.  Just when things look sticky, the guard goat bleats a warning (great sight gag, they have a megaphone positioned right in front of him so the whole camp can be alerted).  It’s the CIA!  Everyone makes a run for it.  The army guys land and blast out the side of the building.  Our guys run for the helicopter and leap in.  Arabic translator (I think) asks where the army guys are there.  But everyone shushes him because “It’s Hollywood!”

(Not the first time goats have been used to make fun of rural mountainous regions and their people)

But, right before they leave, they realize they need the tape the bad guys made!  They send out their special “American Eagle”, a guy in a single person flier thing.  He flies down and grabs the VHS from the head guy, then is hit while flying away!  Sikander Kehr calls for him to throw the tape!  He catches it and then tells the helicopter to fly away.  Junior asks “We have a man down, we are just going to leave him there?”  Sikander says “Of course!  It’s not like he has a map to our secret location.”  Cut to, the bad guys rolling the body and finding a huge map marked “Here” and “Somewhere in Somewhere”.

 

Meanwhile, the helicopter is landing and our crew is arriving at their new filming location.  Everyone is very excited!  On the helicopter ride, Manish Paul had convinced Sikander Kehr to let the actors have bit parts in the film, because even a small part in “Hollywood!” would make them so happy.  The film, by the way, has been sold as opening with Osama’s death, but then FLASHBACK and you see the last few days of his life! (I would make fun of this, but isn’t that basically just the plot of Downfall?)

The land at the location, there is a huge concrete wall, they all stare at it, ready to see Hollywood!  The gates open to reveal…an average yard of a large compound.  They all gasp and stare at the “realism!”  And then Manish Paul explains his concept for the shoot.  It’s raining.  Inside, Osama is pacing and worried, when his new wife (played by the starlet), comes in carrying a glass of milk for their nuptial night.  They kiss, they have fun-interjection here to make sure it won’t go to far, reassurance that it will all be tasteful.  Outside, our two other actors are bodyguards, but not normal bodyguards, no, they are members of Al Quida!  Impressive!  (they preen a bit at that).  The Bodyguards give up their lives, shot down by the Marines!  Inside, they burst in, interrupting the love-scene!  And, death!  Junior tries to interrupt and remind them that they really just need the death scene.  But Sikander Kehr is completely caught up in the vision!  So Artistic!

And, shooting!  Rain is pouring down, the two actors are in costume with machine guns.  First take, fails!  The mimic actor gets too much into his role, shoots his gun off too early.  The shyer actor is scared, because he is pretty sure those are real bullets and one of them nicked his ear.  Is told, not to worry about it.  Sikander Kehr is into it, watching the shoot from the camera area, orders them to go again!  This time, the mimic actor grabs a gun in each arm and storms the fence!  Manish Paul goes out to scold him, tells him “Don’t be a Dharmendra!” which the horrible subtitles translate as just “Action star.”

Okay, now the humble actor gets to use the gun.  The shot goes well!  Except, he notices that his ear is bleeding, because of a wild shot, are these real guns?  No no, Sikander Kehr re-assures, not real guns!  But, when he shot up at the watchtower, one of the marines fell down.  Sikander Kehr grabs his walkie talkie and calls up “Sergeant Bob!  Sergeant Bob, please respond!  RESPOND!”  There is a moments pause, then another figures shows up on the watchtower, waves his arm, and calls out “Just acting!  I’m fine!”  The actors turn away and decide to switch to shooting the inside shot.  Just as two marines throw Sergeant Bob’s body off the watchtower into the bushes.

 

Shooting inside doesn’t go much better.  The Starlet, with a super sexy walk, comes in to the room, but every time she hands Paddi Singh the milk glass, he gets so excited he just shouts out “Dhoodh!” and forgets his line.  Many man takes later, with everyone looking a little haggard and desperate, she finally walks over to the bed, drinks the milk herself, and then dives in for a kiss.  Which causes Paddi Singh to start giggling uncontrollable because he is ticklish.

(No idea what this is from, but it popped up when I searched “Khan Dhoodh”)

Manish Paul calls for “Break!”  Come back and reset in fifteen minutes.  Starlet promises she can take care of Paddi’s nerves, drags him off into the bushes.  I thought they would leave this part to our imagination, but nope!  It’s a different kind of movie!  She takes him into the bushes, and suggests they just have sex, so he will be less nervous.  But, he is still scared.  So, she suggests he walk a little way away, close his eyes, walk forward, and kiss her.  Which he does, only to stumble over a body and start kissing it instead of her.  She screams, he stops kissing the body, backs off, and reads the ID tag, “Bob.”

They run to tell the others, but before they can, new arrival!  It’s Obama, he just has to see it for himself!  He sees Paddi Singh running, and faints (or else attacks him and gets knocked out, I don’t remember.  The point is, it’s the culmination of all his hallucinations).

The original crew meets to figure out what they should do.  And in the middle of it, Manish Paul has suddenly had enough!  He takes off, inspired, to make Jalabis!  Paddi Singh tracks him down in the KP tent, where he is working over a hot pot, talking about how he has finally accepted his destiny, his talent.  Paddi takes a bit and confirms, these are delicious Jalabis, but what are they going to do?  Manish Paul suddenly has an Idea!

First, he passes out jalabis to all the Marines and Sikander Kehr.  Then, having softened them up, he says he can guarantee that the next take will work.  There’s only one thing.  See, his actors do more of a “bollywood” style performance, very exaggerated.  Where as the marines are doing more of a subtle “Hollywood” style performance.  Thus, there is a miss-match of styles onscreen!  But if his guys can borrow the Marine outfits and be the ones storming into the room, he is sure it will all work much better.  Sikander Kehr, wolfing down Jalabis, is fascinated by this idea and all in!  Junior tries to interrupt, but he shushes her.

(Jalabis!  I may have to stop by a sweet shop on my way home tonight)

 

The shot goes off without a hitch, everyone celebrates!  Only, when watching the playback, along with a bunch of marines munching on jalabis in their underwear, they notice that there is no blood on the body!  Not to worry, they can just take a picture of Paddi Singh’s actual body.  Wait, where is it?

Yes!  Our hero’s have stolen the helicopter and are taking off!  Everything is great!  Until the Mujaheddin who have been tracking them this whole time shoot down the helicopter.  Massive shoot out!  All the rest of them hide behind a tree, but Paddi Singh realizes all the bad guys think he actually is Osama!  He puts on a beatific expression and holds out his hands in blessing.  It looks like it will work, only, Obama!  Has suddenly shown up along with a bunch of marines and Sikander Kehr!  Paddi Singh has finally had enough, grabs a handgun, and threatens to shoot himself, ruining all their plans.  Manish Paul shouts out “Not the face!”  Everyone else freezes!

And then I am trying to remember what happens, I think the gun misfires?  Anyway, Obama grabs a machine gun and starts shooting wildly.  Paddi is scared at first, but then realizes all the bullets are missing him because Obama can’t shoot.  He finally offers to let him reload and try again, but at this point Manish Paul rushes forward, he has an idea!  If they can all just talk it over, he thinks he can make them all happy.  First, the Mujaheddin, what do they want?  They just want money!  Okay, Sikander Kehr, can you write them a check?  Sure!  So they give the bad guys a check for $500,000 and send them away (totally cynical view of the CIA, that I also find completely believable).  Now, for Obama, he knows they want to shoot Paddi, but he has a much much better idea.

And we are back to the newscaster introducing the video footage of Osama’s death, just released!  There is the bedroom, there is Paddi Singh, there are the Marines storming in, and the head Marine raises his helmet, and it’s Obama!  Personally killing Osama!  4 more years, locked in!

Of course, Manish Paul wanted something for all this too.  All he wants is to make a Hollywood movie with his star.  Cut to, Farah Khan style credits with them all arriving on the red carpet!  And, as a final cynical joke, he says something about how of course in Hollywood movies, you don’t have to put in the obligatory Item song.  Cut to: