I spent three hours yesterday looking at dogs. Well, 20 minutes looking at dogs, 2 hours and 40 minutes driving between shelters that turned out to be closed or not have any dogs and talking about dogs with my friend who came with me in order to stop me from taking home every dog there. Anyway, what with all the doggie talk, it is obvious what the topic of this week’s fanfic will be.
(I know there is a thing about it being insulting to refer to a person as a “dog” in a variety of ways in Indian culture. It isn’t meant as insulting when I do it in the following stories, please don’t take it that way. If anything, human-to-dog is meant to be a compliment, dogs are amazing.)
Street Dog Brings Couple Together
I know it is super cute and over the top, but I want a dog voice over narration! And I want it done by Shahrukh, because Aamir did it in Dil Dhadakne Do and it is SRK’s turn!
So, our dog narrator explains his life as we see his daily routine. He looks at the people passing and talks about how he pities their lives, being trapped in between four walls and a roof, his life is much better, he can move around whenever he gets tired of a place. He has been in this same block for a few months now, he has a nice life built up, but as soon as he is tired of it, he can just move on. And then he moves on to his daily routine. The “Best part” of the day is the morning. He stops by a back stair as Deepika comes down with her morning coffee, greets him as “Dilip Kumar” because he always looks so tragic, and feeds him his breakfast while she scratches behind his ears. And then invites him “I don’t suppose you want to come back upstairs with me, do you? Maybe today?”, but Shahrukh-dog shies away and explains that he likes spending his morning with a beautiful woman, but he isn’t going to be tied down. And then he goes about the rest of his day, waiting outside the rear entrance to a restaurant for food scraps, stealing water from outdoor buckets, goes for a nap under the stairs during the sunny part of the day, and then says “And this is the other best part of the day” as he goes trotting off to a dog park, where he is greeted by Ranveer who calls him “Shammi Kapoor” because he always runs around so much and throws him the ball he has brought with him, clearly this is their routine. After a happy tumble and play, Ranveer takes him over to a bunch and scratches his stomach and asks “tell me, are you ready to make this a permanent thing? Stop flirting with me everyday in the park and come home for good?”, and Shahrukh-dog shies away again and goes running off, and Ranveer sighs and says “I didn’t think so”.
(Good for Ranveer’s energy levels to go running around with a dog as much as possible)
Shahrukh-dog goes on to explain that he likes his “people” but they need him more than he needs them. He has stayed here longer than he usually does, because he isn’t sure what would happen to them without him. And we flashback to the first meeting. Shahrukh-dog was walking down the alley when he heard a strange sound. He ducked under fences and around gates until he found it, Dips sitting on her backsteps crying. It was a strange sound he wanted to investigate, and she was holding something delicious in her hand, so he went over closer. She saw him and said “You look about as miserable as I feel” and then she told her whole story. She moved to the city to become an model, but it isn’t fun and glamorous like she thought. It’s a lot of hard work and she’s lonely! She wants her mother and father, and she can’t go to them because they are counting on the money she can send home. The city is so full but feels so empty sometimes and she just wants a friend. So, Shahrukh-dog decided to be her friend. They have breakfast together every morning and she tells him about her life in the city. She says he is her only friend, so he can’t exactly abandon her.
Ranveer, he was the opposite, he had too many friends. Shahrukh-dog was walking in the park one afternoon and he smelled food under a bush. But when he went there, all he found was Ranveer, sound asleep. He licked and licked and licked until Ranveer woke up and thanked him. And then took him out for a good lunch in gratitude, and over lunch, Ranveer told his problems. He’s trying to be a grown up, to be responsible for his grandfather and mother since his father’s death last year. But it’s hard, all his friends aren’t as serious, it’s easy while he’s in the office during the day, but afterwards he just finds himself going to his old haunts and then next thing he knows, it’s 3 am and he’s running through the streets (flashback wild times song). If only he had something to look forward to after work, something to do that would stop him from seeking out his old gang. So Shahrukh-dog decided to be that thing, he stopped by the park the next afternoon just in case and Ranveer showed up too. And now he plays with Ranveer every afternoon until Ranveer is all tired out and ready to go home to his dinner.
(Wild times flashback song.)
Things start happening when Shahrukh-dog on his daily rounds happens to see Deepika going into a building. He sneaks around and back and up the back, curious to see what she is doing. And sees her trying to keep off a sleazy producer who keeps implying that if she is “friendly” he might hire her. Shahrukh-dog gets angrier and angrier and the Shahrukh narration throws in some hardcore swearing mixed with growls. Finally, the producer grabs Deepika and she struggles to get free, while Shahrukh-dog looks for a way into the room, he throws himself against the air-conditioner and manages to force it out of the window to crash on the floor while Shahrukh dog leaps in and attacks the producer. Deepika screams, the producer screams and hits Shahrukh-dog and throws him onto the corner of a table so he is injured, next thing Shahrukh-dog knows, he is riding in the back of an autorickshaw with Deepika fussing over him. Shahrukh-dog narration apologizes for the swearing, says he hopes he didn’t affend, and explains that he grew up in Delhi so he can’t help it. Deepika takes him home, gives him a bath, invites him to sleep in her bed, and Shahrukh-dog admits that maybe living inside isn’t so bad. Besides, Deepika clearly needs a protector. Only the next day, she locks Shahrukh-dog inside so he can’t follow her. He looks and looks and can’t find a way out. She comes home that night, and he can smell fear on her and another men, which makes him growl and curse. Deepika needs someone to take care of her, and if she won’t let him do it, he will have to find a two-legged one who can. At which point, he thinks of Ranveer.
Shahrukh-dog spends the next day investigating the apartment, looking for weak spots. He finally finds a way out and sneaks through it and off to the park to meet Ranveer, who is thrilled. But also notices that Shahrukh-dog is cleaner and brushed and better looking, asks if he has an owner now. Shahrukh-dog barks yes, Ranveer looks at his collar and sees the address and takes him home, just as Shahrukh-dog planned. Cute Meeting!!!!! Ranveer is struck by Dips at first sight, she is delighted to see Shahrukh-dog again and so relieved that she hugs Ranveer. Life becomes perfect all of a sudden, joint walks and long dinners at Deepika’s tiny apartment with lots of food dropped on the floor and so on and so on. Until Ranveer finally proposes, by hiding a ring on Shahrukh-dog’s collar. Deepika is thrilled, and now it is time for her to meet his family. She is nervous, being a simple small town girl and Ranveer being such a fancy South Bombay type, and decides to bring Shahrukh-dog along with her to the meeting. It does not go well. Ranveer doesn’t defend her, or seem to notice the insults, Dips is almost in tears despite how much Shahrukh-dog is licking her hand to reassure her, and finally he barks and growls at Ranveer’s stuffy mother when she makes yet another passive aggressive remark, and she orders him taken from the room. Dips objects, Ranveer tells her not to make a fuss, and next thing you know, the engagement is over, despite how much Shahrukh-dog is barking at them to stop and make-up.
(Not sexy fighting like in Ramleela, real fighting)
Shahrukh-dog makes several efforts to bring them back together. He runs away to Ranveer who has to bring him home again, but Dips just says “thanks” and then tells Shahrukh-dog to be careful who he associates with, not everyone is as nice as they seem. Shahrukh-dog tries a hunger strike, but Deepika tells him she knows what he is doing and he can eat when he gets hungry enough. And then Dips sees a notice in the papar and her lip starts to quiver and she looks all sad. Shahrukh-dog comes over, and she tells him shortly “you can stop making that face, Ranveer is never coming back to us. He is marrying some rich girl instead of us.” Shahrukh-dog is furious! He starts swearing in Hindi again and takes off down the stairs with Deepika chasing behind. He runs all the way to the park, where he finds Ranveer looking all depressed, but before Ranveer can say more than his name, Shahrukh-dog attacks him! Starts grabbing at him and biting and growling, Ranveer is trying to get him to stop, Deepika runs up behind him and begs him to stop, it’s all very confused, and it ends Deepika grabbing Shahrukh dog and dragging him off while yelling at Ranveer and not paying attention until Ranveer suddenly shouts at her and tackles her, saving her just in time from being hit by a car!!!! But it is too late for Shahrukh-dog.
As Shahrukh-dog is laying, bloody and eyes closed in the back of a cab with both Ranveer and Deepika holding him and crying, he explains that this was his plan. He saw it all the time in dog arguments. It’s all barking and tangling until one of them is in danger, and then they come back together. He didn’t plan to get hit by the car himself, but that’s all right. After all, he had a good dog life. He saw all of India, top to bottom, he ate the best food, smelled the best smells, and rolled in the best dirt. But the best part of his life was when he had a human of his own, someone to come home to him every night, someone to love him and pet him and hold him. And if this is it, this isn’t bad, to have his two humans together again, loving him and loving each other, while he slipped off to that dogpark in the sky.
(I considered having him lose a leg, but decided that was too sad)
And then, we fade to black and everyone in the audience sniffles and sobs. Just to pop back to bright sunshine as Shahrukh-dog’s voice comes back! He thought that was the end of his life, but it turned out to just be the beginning of a new life. Ranveer moved him and Deepika into that big old house and they made it lively! Ranveer’s mother still doesn’t seem to like him much, but she did pat his head once and at least she doesn’t throw him out of the dining room any more. Ranveer’s grandfather has softened quite a bit, he has been known to sneak food off the table. Of course, now the household is an uproar again, because Deepika has just had puppies! They are coming home today and everyone is eager to meet them. Shahrukh-dog and Ranveer’s mother and grandfather are all waiting in the front hall. Ranveer opens the door and gently helps Deepika in, carrying two bundled blankets. His mother and grandfather start to move forward, but Deepika waves them off and says, “No no, I want my family to see the babies first”. So Ranveer calls forward Shahrukh-dog who comes forward cautiously to look in the blankets while Deepika bends down to show him the little babies and introduces them “This is Dilip. And this is Shammi. Your namesakes”. And we fade out on a big smiling face from Shahrukh-dog as he looks at the two tiny babies.
Shahrukh-Dog: I’m picturing a mid-sized kind of yellow dog mixed breed type. Like this:
Female Human: Deepika. Or Anushka. Or Alia. Someone young, so you want a dog to be there to protect her.
Male Human: Ranveer, so he and Dips can have a happy film together for once. Or Ranbir. Or Varun. Someone immature and energetic.
Mother Human: Dimple? Rekha? Tabu? Oh oh!!!! Hema Malini!!!!! Yes, that’s the one. She could absolutely play the terrifying Grand Dame of the household.
Grandfather Human: Rishi in old age make-up? I really want Dara Singh, but he is dead.
Evil Human Molester Producer: Jim Sarbh. Continuing his domination of the interesting villain roles.
Puppies!!!! Puppies and Puppy Love
First, just to get this out of the way:
Okay, moving on! We start with a flashback. A little boy is walking down the street, and a little girl is walking down the street one block away. When they both hear a sound and both start walking over to investigate, discovering two little puppies at the same time. They immediately start fighting over who found the puppies. At first they each decide to take one. But then they both run into problems. The little girl has divorced parents who split custody, her father on the weekends doesn’t mind, but her mother won’t have the dog in the house during the week. The little boy, during the week he doesn’t have any problems because his father is working and not home. But on the weekends, his father is around and he is allergic to dogs. And so they strike a bargain, “joint custody”. The little boy takes both puppies all week, and then they meet on Friday afternoon and the little girl takes them all weekend.
Time passing song, and we see the dogs and children growing up together. Until they are both teenagers, they randomly meet at a young people’s party. The grown up boy, Varun Dhawan, yells at the grown-up girl, Parineeti Chopra, angry because she is leaving the dogs alone. She yells back that it is none of his business, it’s the weekend now, they are hers until Monday to do what she likes with. Their friends try to get them to calm down, suggest that they dance. Dance number! It starts out as kind of an angry competition, but by the end they are both smiling and dancing together and laughing. And then Parineeti gets dragged away by her friends, reminding her that they have to leave now, only Varun runs after her asking if they can meet the next day, to talk about the dogs.
(Kind of like this)
Sweet almost-romance starts. Neither of them is mature enough to fully recognize what is happening, or now what to do about it, but they let their hands brush together, they laugh together, they text each other, they meet up to watch the dogs play. Until Parineeti goes home to find her father, Anupam, all excited to greet her. Wonderful news! She’s 18 now! Parineeti knows this. Anupam points out, that means her mother has no legal hold on her any more. And Anupam has just accepted that promotion and transfer he has been putting off, they are going to London! Just like they always talked about!
Parineeti tells Varun and neither of them really know what to say. Varun hesitates, and then offers maybe she should take the dogs with her, something to remember. Parineeti says she couldn’t do that. And then offers maybe he should keep them to remember her. Varun says he won’t have a hard time remembering her. Finally they decide to each take one dog, and they will write, you know, to keep each other up to date on how the dog is doing.
5 years later! Parineeti is now a cool confident international type walking her dog in a London park. The dog gets away from her, she chases after, can’t find it, until she sees someone else walking her dog!!!! She grabs a policeman to arrest the man, gets her dog back, and only when she is in the police station filling out forms does she see and recognize Varun!!!!! And immediately gets angry with him. He didn’t tell him he was coming, there was this misunderstanding, and now she has lost precious time and has to go look for her dog. Varun is equally angry, she had him falsely arrested, and she lost “their” dog! They both storm out of the police station and rush to the park, going in opposite directions to look, getting soaked in the rain, until finally Parineeti searches out Varun to point out what they should do is let his dog find Parineeti’s dog. Which they do. The dogs are reunited and happy, Parineeti and Varun are finally happy too, Parineeti suggests starting over and turns to Varun and says “Hi! Welcome to London! So happy to see you.” And Varun smiles and takes her hand and says “Happy to be here”. Happy London love song!
(Not like this, this is a sad London love song)
Again, nothing actually official, hand brushes and dogwalks together and so on, but no more. Until one day they are in the park and a handsome white man comes up to talk to Parineeti and introduces himself as her ex-boyfriend. Varun is horrified! Parineeti is mad at him for being horrified, says it is normal here, girls have two or three boyfriends before they get married, it is no big deal. Varun says it is a big deal to him, he never wanted to marry a girl who had a boyfriend, Parineeti is all “who said I wanted to marry you?”, fights happen again. She goes home all sad.
Varun goes home sad too and next thing we see, he is at a formal meeting with a rich traditional girl his aunt in London set him up with. She is nice to the dog, so he says yes, he will marry her. Sad song! Varun prepares for his wedding, Parineeti sadly goes back to her regular life with Anupam looking at her worriedly. Finally, sits her down for a good talking to. It all comes out, she knows her mother never loved her or cared about her, just kept up custody for spite. She had her heart broken over and over again by her mother, she wasn’t going let herself open to be hurt by anyone else. And so she is always quick to fight and take offense, but somehow Varun was always there. Most of her life, he has been there, one way or another. But she still can’t bring herself to trust it, to let him all the way in, keeps pushing him away when he gets too close. Anupam points out that she has never seemed to manage to push him all the way away, and maybe she hasn’t this time either. Or at least she should give him a chance. And so, with Anupam’s encouragement, Parineeti goes off to stop the wedding! With her dog.
Meanwhile, Varun is having a heart to heart with his own father, Anil Kapoor. Anil is all cheerful and proud of him on his wedding day, but then notices that Varun doesn’t seem happy and gently asks what’s wrong. Varun bursts out “how did you know when you loved mother?” Anil tells a really nice story, about their first meeting when their families sent them off to talk together and she asked to touch his mustache. And then he gets serious, says that he loved Varun’s mother very very much, and saw her spirit in every room of their house. Which is maybe why he wasn’t home so much while Varun was growing up. But he hopes it hasn’t made a different to him now, he hopes Varun knows he is always there for him and will help him however he can. And Varun turns to him and says “Dad….” And then we go back to Parineeti and her dog, running through the streets, bursting in to the function room to find everything very fancy and decorated, but no people! Except for Varun, sitting alone all dressed up with his dog. Parineeti is stunned! But her dog isn’t, it runs forward all happy to meet its sibling, dragging Parineeti behind. She stumbles up to Varun, who says “They seem happy to see each other.” Parineeti agrees. Varun says “Seems a pity to split them up again. Maybe we could make a bargain.” Parineeti turns to him with a big smile, and they finally kiss, admitting their feelings.
Puppies to doggies: Boxer. The cutest puppies.
Female Human: Parineeti. Or Alia or Kriti maybe. Someone really young looking.
Male Human: Varun. Or maybe Ranveer, if he can pull of teenage kid.
Female’s Father: Anupam! I love him as the supportive father.
Male’s Father: Anil! I want him in more father roles.
Fiancee: Shraddha. She can have no dialogue and get dumped offscreen, it’s perfect.
Similar to Haathi Mere Saathi, but better, because dogs. Our hero is in a car accident as a baby, his parents are killed, but he is dragged to safety by a passing dog who then stands guard all night and barks to alert the rescuers. Naturally, our hero’s doting aunt and uncle take the dog home with the baby when they inherit guardianship.
Dog and boy grow up together happily in the country. Until boy is trapped in a field on fire (I don’t know why, it just happened). Dog saves him, and then dies. Boy runs back in and saves the dog’s puppies, just as Dog saved him when he was a “puppy”. Now, boy is fully grown and has a pack of Hero Dogs following him. Which is when a bossy woman arrives from the city to stay with them. Oh, and boy is now Prabhas. This is a total Southern Masala, only with dogs.
(Not these kinds of dogs. Bigger dogs. Real dogs)
Bossy Woman is initially awful, hates the dogs, and Prabhas and the dogs tease her. But then she is threatened by a small town molester type and the dogs save her, despite her locking them in the car (they figure out how to let themselves out, and now she is all about the dogs. Seeing how kind she is to them, Prabhas starts to fall for her too.
But there is trouble brewing! Evil Developer wants to come in and take over the town. Prabhas and his aunt and uncle are standing in his way, and Bossy Woman is too now that she is “good”. Evil Developer tries various schemes, sending goons and setting the house on fire and so on and so on. Every time, they are foiled by Hero Dogs and Prabhas. Until finally, Bossy Woman and Aunt are kidnapped!!!!! Prabhas goes to save Aunt and sends Hero Dogs to save Aunt. Hero Dogs sniff out her hiding place, fight off her captors, bite through her ropes, and save her. While Prabhas is on his own rescuing Bossy Woman. In the end, just as Prabhas and Bossy Woman are about to escape, Evil Developer himself shows up and grabs Bossy Woman and holds a gun to her head. But no worry! Hero Dog is there! That is, one of the Hero Dogs. The best one, named for her mother. Who secretly followed Prabhas to protect him. Hero Dog grabs Evil Developers arm and is SHOT. And KILLED!!!!! Now Prabhas is really angry, beats up Evil Developer really really hard and then kills him.
Flashforward, Prabhas and Bossy Woman are looking at their first baby along with Aunt and Uncle. And Bossy Woman gently suggests naming the baby after Hero Dog. Everyone is touched, and Bossy Woman calls in the other dogs to come meet their new “niece”.
Hero Dog: Call me crazy, but I’m thinking Sheltie!
Hero Human: Prabhas
Bossy Woman: Kajal? Samantha? Anushka? Tammanah?
Evil Developer: Rana! I want an epic fight scene!
So, which one do you think we should make? And any suggested changes? Including dog breed ideas?
Also, most importantly, should I name my theoretical dog Bahubali? Is that insulting or AWESOME?