Marriage in Modern Urban Indian Culture, a Random Thinky Post Inspired By the New Netflix Matchmaker Show

Not a 101, I am not qualified to write a 101.  This is me basically just sharing my personal history with learning about modern urban Indian marriage practices from people I know and things I have seen and read, and then you can share your own experiences and ask questions of each other and hopefully just talk and learn from each other.

When I was in college, all of my friends’ parents had arranged marriages.  None of them were planning on an arranged marriage, but none of them were dating either, they were sort of in a middle limbo space.  I think that may be a common space for a lot of kids of arranged marriage parents?  There’s no real taboo any more on dating, exactly.  Their parents aren’t going to say “marry the boy I pick or you are disowned”.  But there is also no real place for dating.  During college, the message over and over again was “study, work hard, you are young and have to think about your future”.  There was a vague idea that they would get to med school and somehow the perfect boy would just appear, another doctor at the hospital, and he would talk to them and say he is in love, and then they would go to their parents and be married.  It was a sweet idea when you are 19 and in college, and not necessarily unhealthy, not every 19 year old is ready for dating or should be dating.  But I don’t know what happened to those girls when they got to med school and were 25 and the family pressure and expectation was that they would be married and no perfect boy was appearing to propose.  What do you do then?

The explanation my friends gave me for arranged marriages is that “it’s like a dating agency, but run by your parents”.  I still think that is basically accurate?  For these girls, American and educated and upper middle-class, there wasn’t going to be some forced marriage to a stranger.  Their parents would arrange dates with a whole bunch of boys and they could pick.  I also spent some time with their parents, and these were not unhappy marriages.  They liked spending time together, they had things in common, they joked with each other, the wife wasn’t some silent terrified woman worshipping her husband.  And I still think that is the reality of a lot of arranged marriages, two people who have things in common that were introduced by their parents, married, and 20 years later when their kids were in college, they were a happy team.

Like Amrish and Farida Jalal. I assume they had an arranged marriage, since that is what they were planning for their daughter, but after 20 years you couldn’t tell the difference, love or arranged.

So my starting point for modern urban Indian marriages was a kind of happy place.  If you had an arranged marriage, it was voluntary, you got to say yes or no to whichever guy you wanted, and twenty years down the line the arranged couple was interchangeable with a non-arranged couple.  Oh, and also, there was an about to graduate couple I am pretty sure was arranged-engaged who worked at my campus job with me and they made out HARD in the break room.  So I also got to see that sometimes an arranged engagement leads immediately to hardcore hormone explosion.

There were two marriages that happened in my friends’ extended families while we were in college and the way they talked about them was the first time that I went “wait, something is maybe not always perfect here”.  First, my roommate’s cousin in India fell in love and it was a Thing.  She was getting all of this second hand of course, just repeating to me the blurred version of what she got from her parents in that very unquestioning confident way that teenagers can have when they repeat their parents’ opinions as absolute Truth.  She was Brahmin, from a landed Telugu speaking family.  I first heard about this cousin as someone she vaguely disapproved of thanks to inherited opinions.  When they had visited last, he had been designated to take his younger cousins around, they wanted to see temples and book stores and spend time studying for tests.  He was on his cell phone with people, seemed bored with them, and wanted to go to malls and things, and eat meat.  And there were rumors that sometimes he went to clubs.  He was living alone in Hyderabad, working at some corporate job, away from the family, and there was much worry about this.  Next I heard was a big family scandal coming to them from India, he had a GIRLFRIEND!  At work!  And she was of a different caste.  Which my roommate seriously explained to me was a problem because they wouldn’t have anything in common, they would think it was okay now, but problems would come up.  He didn’t realize that this relationship was doomed and he should never have started it.  And then a few months later, update, his family found out he had secretly married the girlfriend and they had been living together in the city for months.  More headshaking, this was ruining his life of course.  And it was because he had seen too many movies and believed in the fantasy of romantic love, instead of sensible love with people like you.  Obviously, I didn’t disagree at the time, it wasn’t my culture, she seemed very sure of herself, and I was only 19 myself.  But looking back on it, that was RIDICULOUS!  He DID marry someone like himself!  He married a coworker at his job in the city, that was way more “in common” to build a relationship than he would have had with anyone his rural family picked out.  Plus, what is with this “they can never be happy together”?  They were married already!  Had been married for months!  And nothing disastrous had happened, everything was fine.  But the family, down to his American teenage cousin, all were involved in this discussion, and were all convincing each other that it was hopeless.  They weren’t forcing arranged marriages on anyone exactly, but they sure weren’t okay for a love marriage that happened without their approval.

And then the second marriage was the arranged marriage of my best friend’s cousin.  She explained to me that her cousin was awesome, very smart, but she was over 30 and still not married.  So her family took a hand and found her a really nice guy.  He sounded like he actually was a nice guy, not just family approved.  My friend liked him because at the pre-wedding things he spent time talking to her and getting to know her (the teenage serious awkward cousin of the bride).  And he seemed really nice about the wedding stuff too, it was all arranged around her cousin’s schedule so she could keep doing the research she wanted to do.  This did indeed sound very nice and pleasant.  But what stopped me up for a second was that she described her cousin as very cool (meaning, smart and academically successful and interesting, not cool dresser or anything like that), not interested in marriage stuff, so once she got over thirty the family stepped in.  Why couldn’t her very cool cousin just not be married?  Why did the family have to find her this guy, nice though he sounded, who she was only willing to marry if it could be scheduled around her work stuff?

Think Deepika in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani. Liked her books, liked studying, had a life plan. That was my friend and it sounded like that was her cousin too.

And then there was a final marriage, after I had graduated and started learning more about Indian culture in general and getting kind of an idea of how things might work outside of how my young friends perceived them.  It wasn’t even a marriage actually, that’s part of what was interesting.  My best friend, the same one whose cousin HAD to get married, had another male cousin who started seriously dating a Muslim young woman (her family was not just Hindu, but Hindu and displaced by Partition, lost the family home, and had a child die along the way as they walked to Delhi).  He was away at grad school, his father was dead, so all his uncles (who all lived near each other in the same suburb) gathered together to discuss what they were going to do about the situation.  Because they wanted to be sure they did something big to convey their unified opinion.  That opinion being, they loved her.  She was the girl their nephew loved, and in the place of his father, they needed to be sure she felt as welcome and accepted and cherished as possible.  The religion thing was an issue, because what if she thought it was an issue?  How could they best convey their total and absolute acceptance and joy in this relationship?  Maybe a present? Should they send her a present?  Or a letter that they all signed?  Maybe a surprise visit to campus to take the young couple out for dinner and be aggressively welcoming?  Luckily, his mother got wind of this gathering and showed up to give her brothers a piece of her mind and tell them to butt out and let the kids figure it out on their own.  But isn’t that sweet?  For this family, marriage and love (and there was no difference between marriage and love, if you loved someone you would marry them) was a family affair, not just between the couple.  And what that meant was that it was the responsibility of the family to make the new loved one, whoever he or she was, feel as loved and welcome as possible by all of them.

I still don’t have a total handle on the modern urban Indian marriage thing.  I think all of the various descriptions I heard over the years are correct.  Sometimes it’s like a dating agency, you go out for coffee with a bunch of guys your parents find for you and hope you click with one of them.  Sometimes it’s that you are a woman over 30 and you HAVE to get married, so the family steps in and makes it happen.  Sometimes you fall in love all on your own, and the family steps in to give lavish approval and support.  And sometimes you fall in love all on your own and the family refuses to approve or believe it will last.

The thing that I guess sticks out to me the most, which is beyond love versus arranged although related to it, is the “you HAVE to get married” part of it.  I’m 35 now, and I wake up most mornings feeling very grateful that I don’t actually have to get married.  If I ever meet someone where I think “I would be happier sharing a life with you than not”, then I can get married.  But if I meet someone and think “well, if I have to get married, you are okay”, the next thought is “oh wait, I don’t actually have to get married!  If I would be happier staying single than living with you, than I can stay single forever and ever! I am so blessed”. I think maybe a lot of the modern arranged marriages in the urban western set come up more from the “well, you HAVE to get married” push.  If someone falls in love with a moderately appropriate person (“appropriate” as defined by their family and social group) before they are 30, great!  No worries!  Marry them!  But if you are over 30 and there is no marriage on the horizon, well, maybe it is time to stop leaving it up to fate and leave it up to your parents instead.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got!

20 thoughts on “Marriage in Modern Urban Indian Culture, a Random Thinky Post Inspired By the New Netflix Matchmaker Show

  1. It would make a huge difference if the parents didn’t get involved in the first choosing stage but then I guess it wouldn’t be arranged anymore.

    Just IMAGINE how I’d fare in the arranged marriage market.

    Like

    • Then it would be love-cum-arranged, you pick and present your choice for approval. And no “dating”, just meeting people with the expectation of marriage.

      Like

  2. I think many Germans don’t have any first or even like third hand experience with arranged marriages, so the average person I talk to would always immediately jump to the idea of forced marriage. And that is one thing I’m very sure isn’t true in most of urban India.

    I had an Indian coworker once who had gotten married shortly before I joined the lab. He’d been to visit his family in India and came back with a wife – a friend of his younger sister. It is true, she seemed pretty shy when she came along to social outings, and she mostly stayed at home otherwise, knowing no German at all. But the couple actually seemed very much in love, and very much like a couple that might have met and fallen in love in any system of spouses finding each other.

    I mean, why wouldn’t families introduce young people that they think might be compatible? Friends do it all the time. And I agree that what counts is the state of affairs 20 years and longer into the marriage. Enough “love” marriages around the world don’t last that long.

    Like

    • Yes, exactly, it could be just families introducing compatible young people who meet with an expectation that it will lead to marriage sooner rather than later. Not really that different than friends introducing people, or folks signing up on a dating site with open acknowledgement that they are looking for someone who wants marriage.

      The only thing is, I would say that there are still forced marriages in Urban India. Of different kinds. If you are gay in India, you still have to get married. You can pick the person, it can be a very happy match with minimal family involvement, but it’s really really hard to just stay single. And there are families who, for purposes of Status, push a particular engagement on their child without the child’s enthusiastic interest and don’t give them the option of backing out. And there are still families that straight up pick out the spouse and force their kid to go through with it. It’s not necessarily the norm, but it still happens at every level of society.

      Like

  3. I think I like the version you presented here. Especially “Sometimes it’s like a dating agency, you go out for coffee with a bunch of guys your parents find for you and hope you click with one of them. Sometimes it’s that you are a woman over 30 and you HAVE to get married, so the family steps in and makes it happen. Sometimes you fall in love all on your own, and the family steps in to give lavish approval and support. And sometimes you fall in love all on your own and the family refuses to approve or believe it will last.”

    I think this may be what Indian Matchmaking was trying to portray. Or maybe not. Maybe it was just your first two descriptions. As noted from my comment on your Wednesday Watching post, I am conflicted with the results.

    I agree that “you HAVE to get married” is predominantly prevalent in Indian society (whether you live in India or are American with Indian heritage) and it is perhaps the part that frustrates me the most because for the first 18 years most desi children are largely forbidden/discouraged from dating, and then poof – once you hit a “certain age,” you are told to figure out a way to get married. I think that dichotomy also leads to stunted growth in terms of dating. As one of my cousins’ described to me, when she was finally “allowed” to date/asked if she had someone she was interested in, or would she like her parents to start setting her up, she felt like her maturity level in terms of dating was that of a teenager. All the feelings, heartbreak, growth most American experience from their teenage years she was experiencing as an adult and expected to handle like an adult, but did not have the years to experience most American do to handle it.
    On a personal note, while my sister nor I were ever subjected to the “you have to get married” mentality, I remember distinctly having to tell some of my family members off for putting pressure/guilt tripping my mother about her “unmarried” daughters.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes to the stunted growth! Back in college, all my friends were very confident of a version of the world where someday, when the time was right, they would have some boy propose to them. Like, out of the blue, say “I saw you in the hospital cafeteria and want to marry you”. Which is fine, teenagers are stupid, everyone has a fantasy. But what is a little odd to me looking back is that their parents also believed in this fantasy. I may be wrong, but I have a hard time picturing an American raised young man going up to a young woman and asking to meet her parents. Instead of flirting and taking her out for a drink and so on. For the parents to just assume it is going to happen like that ends up creating this guaranteed disappointment, because no, your daughter is very unlikely to show up on your doorstep and say “this is my co-worker, he just proposed this morning after seeing me only in the work context and never even holding hands with me.” You are either going to have to accept that she will have a messy romantic history with disappointments and complications and eventually a long term relationship (possibly live-in) that turns into marriage, or that you are going to need to do an arranged marriage for her.

      Like

  4. I recommend watching Chi La Sow. It is a very nuanced take on the whole arranged marriage thing in urban settings. Movies apart, as you say the whole arranged marriage thing exists even in urban areas and even when people are modern. Only thing the boy and girl meet a couple of times before taking a decision. So it pretty much like dating but with some one who your parents found. While this might not be the case with everyone, there a conversation at least via phone involved going over many days beyond the initial meeting before they take a decision. Then there are people who started using this whole arranged marriage meeting guy/girl thing akin to Tinder or Bumble for casual hookups. Keeps everyone happy.

    Like

  5. I think what you say is true for a small but slowly growing group of people. These are essentially blind dates set up by your parents/family and if it works out – great! If it doesn’t, there’s disappointment but no one is being frog-marched into marriage. But I do think for a lot of people, its a lot more complicated and painful. I’ve got a cousin in her late 20s in India and the sheer amount of pressure she faces – and not just from family but people at work, neighbors, strangers – is INSANE. She realistically does not have the option of choosing to be single. I feel like in India, especially for women, being single isn’t treated as a choice but a condemnation for most. The other factor is that the things I love about my cousin – her sense of humor, her kindness, how smart she is – don’t really seem to matter all that much in the marriage market. Primarily, its conventional beauty for women and earning potential for men. It seems like there’s this sense of I want a pretty wife and if she’s not pretty then, she should be rich and if she’s not either, then she should be traditional house wife. For someone who doesn’t quite fit into any of these categories, it gets complicated. All of this doesn’t even begin to touch on the issue of caste. Fundamentally, arranged marriages maintain and propagate caste. The comparatively benign response is to inter-caste love is parental disapproval and pressure to break up. The extreme would be honor killings which still do happen. (Sad/scary story – my aunt’s neighbor’s son was in an inter-caste relationship. His family disapproved majorly but he wouldn’t budge. The mom threatened to commit suicide if he married his girlfriend and even took something. She was fine but he gave in and had a quick arranged marriage.)

    Adding to all of this, I do know older couples who had arranged marriages and it all worked out great. I can also think of couples who never really connected. Sharing a life and children will automatically forge bonds but its not quite the same. They’re stuck with someone they’ve learned to live with. It isn’t necessarily bad or abusive but what a sad way to live your life. (Funny story – I was once talking to an older relative who had an old school arranged marriage. She didn’t even see her husband until the day of her wedding. I told her how crazy that seemed to me. What if you two didn’t have anything in common? Her response – have a kid, then you’ll have something in common.)

    I think the problem with things like the Netflix show is that all of this other stuff bubbling under the surface is ignored. Which I get – its not particularly entertaining. But it also means I personally can’t really watch that show without thinking about all of this which makes it not so fun to watch for me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I have one desi co-worker, who is a delightful woman and a friend and so on. But there was kind of a disconnect a few times in the office when she openly talked about when my co-workers who are in serious relationships will get married, and after marriage when they will get pregnant. And for me, who is not in a relationship, an ever so slight push of “but don’t you want a boyfriend?” In America, it’s just not okay to say that. At least, not outside of a close friend or relative, or not so openly. But for her, that was the kind of thing you absolutely ask about even with co-workers. And my answer of “I mean, I’m happy without” really puzzled her.

      What you say about your cousin is so sad. And then there’s the flipside, which really disturbed me in the movie Shaandar, that if your family approves of the match you aren’t allowed to object to the physical person. I’m talking male to female, the family gets to be very picky about how she looks, but the groom can’t say “I’m sorry, I am just not attracted to her”. Does that make sense? Actual physical attraction between the couple is not a factor when you are picking “pale skinned” or “tall” or whatever. Heck, the groom also can’t say “she’s gorgeous and rich, but she has no sense of humor and I’m bored with her”. Or, “she’s gorgeous and rich, but I’m a PhD and she barely has a college certificate, we have nothing to talk about”. Just as of course the bride can’t say “he’s rich and successful, but ugly”.

      My roommate with the cousin who “ruined his life” by marrying out of caste, that was clearly a factor, but they couldn’t say it straight out, at least the American branch wasn’t comfortable with that. So it was all coated in stuff like “she will cook meat, she won’t know our prayers, she’s just not right” instead of straight up saying “she’s the wrong caste”. And I do wonder, this was the same family that had the shared fantasy, parents and children, that one day the perfect guy would see their daughters and just propose. What were they going to do if that “perfect guy” actually showed up, and turned out to be the wrong caste? What are the chances that a surgeon (had to be a surgeon) in the same city who spoke the same language and was interested in their daughter, also happened to be the right caste?

      What you are saying about the small but growing community, from my own limited experience it feels like that community encompasses at least half of the Indian Americans. Because of specific immigration patterns and stuff, and because of the desire to assimilate, all my friends were comfortable saying their parents had arranged marriages but also felt the need to say “and then they fell in love”. And to say that they expected to have a love marriage themselves. It wasn’t classy or American or anything to really talk about the caste basis of arranged marriages, or the disaster marriages, or any of that. Also I have to think that the convenience of the American divorce system makes a big BIG difference. If you are in that arranged marriage that is just sad, you can legally get a divorce, and you can find a social circle that won’t judge you for it. That’s just me guessing, but it seems like just knowing divorce is an option can help make a marriage better, if you see what I mean. Make you decide you want to stay in it.

      On Thu, Jul 23, 2020 at 6:39 PM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

      >

      Like

      • I had Indian coworkers I barely know stage an intervention on why I was not married yet. It was horrifying.

        I’ve definitely seen what you said about attraction. There no room for any personal choice. I’ve found you a tall, pale-skinned girl. But I like short dark skinned girls is just not a valid response to that. You might also objectively see someone as being attractive but not feel any spark but that’s just not something you can reject a match on. Generally, guys have a tiny bit more leeway but there’s a hard limit there too. Telling you parents you don’t feel an attraction is the kind of comment that will launch long complaints about how you’re being too picky.

        I haven’t really seen any hard data but I strongly suspect the diaspora is disproportionately upper caste. I suspect your friend’s parents would have be a bit more lenient on caste in the sense of he’s not exactly our caste but also not too far down on the hierarchy. Being a surgeon would also go a long way. I’m in tech and I can’t tell you how many Tamil and Telugu people I run into on a regular basis. There’s fields that just have more Indian people and I suspect medicine is one of them. None of this means she’ll find a guy she actually wants to marry or that the eligible guys she meets will want to marry her but she’ll probably run into them. By her parents’ logic, that should be enough. Say you meet 3 guys that meet the main criteria. Pick one – how much more choice do you need? (sarcasm very much intended)

        I’m technically part of the small but growing group. I was born here and for me it was basically would you like to meet these guys? It never really worked out beyond first dates and a few phone calls which I’m okay with. But I also live here and have the “American” tag which means relatives in India have a reason to excuse my singleness as being a by-product of me being too American. My parents get more pressure for me not being married but, again, they’ve got an ocean blocking the worse of it. I also can’t tell you how many times these set ups resulted in guys basically admitting they were only there because of parental pressure and they were not interested in a relationship or basically already in a relationship that they’re parents wouldn’t approve of or, in one case, gay. Which is another elephant in the room – Indians that are LGBTQ+

        Liked by 1 person

        • I suspect the diaspora is upper caste too. Just because of the resources you need to get overseas, and resources are held by the upper castes, right? So it’s only logical.

          Your experience brings up what I think is supposed to be the big strength of the arranged system, but actually is increasingly a lie. The idea of “I am ready to get married, I want a certain kind of life, I will meet people who are also ready to get married and want a certain kind of life”. But that only works if everyone is telling the truth to their families. I’m guessing way WAY more often it is a matter of “I’m not ready to get married and neither are you, and even if we were, we don’t want the kind of life our parents think we want, so this whole meeting is pointless”. Or put it more simply, one big argument I hear is “why not have your parents pick out your spouse? Who knows you better than them?” And the answer is, ANYONE! Anyone knows you better than your parents! It is a thing that grown children lie to their parents about what they really want in life and love and everything.

          On Thu, Jul 23, 2020 at 9:40 PM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

          >

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Is this inspired by the chatter about Indian Matchmaker or did you start watching? There are only two of the people on the show I can think of who are under family pressure, one to a ridiculous extent, both guys from rich families (apparently 25 is the age limit if you’re a young rich dude!). That was good, most of the families are more sympathetic.

    Like

    • I haven’t started watching. Your comment actually makes me curious, because other people here have said “ugh, so frustrating because of all the terrible things I know are under the surface”. Maybe I should watch it and do very depressing episode reviews that explain “okay, when this lady said this line, that was casteism”.

      On Fri, Jul 24, 2020 at 1:00 AM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

      >

      Like

  7. The basic premise of arranged marriage which you described in the post is not bad. But in the whole package, a lot of other things get included as well. Some , you have stumbled upon
    Like, being single is not an option. Nor is being with some from a different religion or community. There are a whole.lot of other negatives aspects that come as part and parcel of this indian system of arranged marriages.
    Compatibility is a joke. More about your financial stability and horoscope and family status than how you two people click as individuals. If at all you get a chance, this person to person compatibility literally has to be judged in a short amount of time, literally in 1 or 2 meetings.
    Of course none of the LGBTQ is acceptable.
    Divorce is horribly frowned upon.
    Having ba relationship by your own is frowned upon and when you family comes to know, you have 2 choice, marry them if the status of the other person is acceptable or marry the person of your families choice.
    Dowry is acceptable. Superiority of groom and his family has to be accepted.
    The arranged marriages you came across may be nice and cozy, but stuff like in Akash Vani and made in heaven are also reality.
    If ever you watch Indian Match making, I have another big rant about it that I will share….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooo, I love big rants! Maybe I should watch Indian matchmaking just to inspire that in you.

      On Fri, Jul 24, 2020 at 2:03 AM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

      >

      Like

  8. Marriage is social risk taken by individual, to leverage the risk, we tend to choose from our immediate circle,or community/Social circle.
    In Arranged marriage setup ,we get lot of inputs from parents and near family, but the risk of mismatch will always be there.
    In Modern society, as women become more financially independent, they are not nodding what their parents say,they have there own judgement.
    This days it is very difficult for a Bachelor to get married,as girls have left with lot of choice.

    Matchmaker show is really done well, forced us to do binge watching, with all its colours and keeping the suspense ,whether who chooses who ?.
    and good to know how the matchmaker try to reduce the risks by going to astrologer and life skill counsellor.

    Like

  9. I think one of the most interesting things you said was, “They liked spending time together, they had things in common, they joked with each other, the wife wasn’t some silent terrified woman worshipping her husband. And I still think that is the reality of a lot of arranged marriages, two people who have things in common that were introduced by their parents, married, and 20 years later when their kids were in college, they were a happy team.” If you get to happy team you are doing well. Studies have shown that the being madly in love part of relationships lasts two years and after that you are talking friendship and humor and teamwork. Yes, sexual attraction matters and matters, in my opinion, the whole time but it is not the whole. I think that the myth that love marriages have a better chance are just as dangerous. I am married 49 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 22 and married two years later. Was I madly in love? Yes. Is that what has sustained us? No. We are a ‘happy team’ (most of the time) and we have to keep changing. This all would be true in the modern arranged marriage. The pressure to be married even if it’s not what you want in your life is not good, of course, and there are certainly people for whom not being married is better. But some of those people would have benefitted from someone parading eligible person after eligible person in front of them. As you often say, you prefer to be home on your couch with Albie dog. Maybe, being single is the best life for you. But also maybe if someone was out there looking for a smart, quiet but not too quiet, humorous but not a jokester, interested in different cultures and maybe even from a different culture, dog loving, solitude respecting, travel averse, nice looking but not drop dead gorgeous man who loves long beautiful hair, you might maybe find a reason to share your life. But maybe not and luckily you have the choice and that is very important.’The fascinating part about Indian Matchmaker is that with the exception of the two spoiled (slightly creepy) rich boys everyone else really wanted to find someone AND ****SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER: I find it riveting that no one does. What is THAT message?

    Like

    • My roommate, as mentioned above, talked about how her cousin believed in the movie love fantasy and that’s why he eloped. But maybe the arranged marriage fantasy (in a totally no pressure arranged marriage environment) is even worse? If your parents and society are forcing you to be married, you will just give up and pick someone. But if you can avoid picking someone unless you want to, maybe you are looking for that magical love-at-first-sight feeling, some perfect person you really want so that you are ready to marry them after one meeting. And I just don’t think that exists. Either you find a “well, good enough, nothing wrong with them” person in a first meeting and slowly become a team over years. Or you meet someone at a party and ask them out for coffee and date for a year, and then reach “I am ready to marry you”. The “I am ready to marry you” very first meeting no reservations seems an impossible dream.

      On Fri, Jul 24, 2020 at 10:52 AM dontcallitbollywood wrote:

      >

      Like

  10. Lots of comments mention the happy arranged marriages, but the only couple in an arranged marriage I know, are miserable, but of course won’t get divorced, despite their children urging them to. Of course they live in America, and one of their children is my friend. My guess is no one would be urging them to get divorced if they lived in India. That said, I’m quite fond of their child, so at least their genes mixed well.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.