TGIF: Elevator Fantasies

I was going to make this my Sunday post, but I really feel like the Sunday options should be full and in depth sort of things.  Whereas TGIF is more for the “read in 5 minutes, return to whenever you feel down kind of stuff”.  And so, inspired by a conversation I had with Filmilibrarian in the comments a couple days ago, “What every movie star would do if you were trapped in an elevator with them for 6 hours”.  (oh, and feel free to play along in the comments if you have an alternate idea, or for an actor I missed)

(no actresses, because I realized I would have the same thing for each of them, “ignores you and looks at her phone for 6 hours”.  Actresses seem much less likely to risk talking to strangers than actors)

 

Shahrukh Khan in an elevator: Would give an incredibly entertaining and witty monologue, complete with voices and as much body language as the confined space would allow.  Later, you would realize that you never managed to get a word in edgewise, but you don’t even care, because it was so amusing just to watch him.  And then the elevator doors open, you are no longer the only “audience” available to him, he gives some polite brushoff about calling sometime and leaves.  6 months later you get a random phone call “Hey, remember that book I said you should read?  I am sending it over to your house.”

Image result for shahrukh khan interview

 

Salman Khan in an elevator: Would ask a million questions about your family and your background and everything else going on in your life.  When you start to get overheated around hour 4, he would immediately offer to climb into the vent and hit the manual override switch.  You would return home to realize that a) he never actually talked about himself, just you.  And b) in the time it took you to get home, he has arranged for all your medical bills/tuition payments/mortgage to be paid off.

Image result for salman khan with fan

 

Aamir Khan in elevator: He starts with a really interesting discussion of how colonialism lead to a corrupt and untrusted bureaucracy which lead to poor building safety inspections which lead to this broken elevator in which we are now.  And then he starts to tear up a little while talking about how the poor of society suffer through this lack of safety standards, and the brave survivor of unimaginable elevator related torments who has founded an NGO to solve this issue.  By this point, you are kind of bored and looking at your phone, which he notices and immediately changes gears to being incredibly energetic and upbeat and suggesting a series of games and challenges to keep you both entertained while you wait for help to arrive.  If you get really bored again, he may be willing to sing “Aati Kya Khandala”.  You go home to discover an long and dull email from him with a bunch of links to background academic reading on the elevator crisis, and five elevator disaster videos to watch, and a link to donate money to an NGO for elevator repairs.

Image result for aamir khan crying

 

Hrithik Roshan in an elevator: At the time, you think he is being incredibly witty and amusing and the hours fly by.  Later, when you arrive home, you get a polite poorly spelled email from him and suddenly you realize that actually he was kind of dull and uninteresting to talk to, but he was just so so handsome that everything felt like it was really really smart.  You delete the email and decide to hold on to the fantasy and ignore the reality.

Image result for hrithik roshan interview

 

Saif Ali Khan in an elevator: When you first get on, he just looks at his phone and ignores you.  But when the elevator stops, he sets down the phone and takes on his duty as a Gentlemen of keeping you entertained and distracted.  You have an incredibly erudite discussion of art and literature and history, and he makes you feel incredibly intelligent as well.  And then the elevator is fixed, and he quickly pulls out his phone and goes back to ignoring you, because if he doesn’t have to be a gentlemen, he would really rather not talk to the common folk.  But when you get home, you see that he has had one of his staff send you a nice flower arrangement with a card attached, because that is the classy thing to do.

Image result for saif ali khan interview

 

John Abraham in an elevator: He will start talking to you, but after a while he will say “Do you just want me to take my shirt off?”  And then he will smile and pose and do push-ups while you applaud.

Image result for john abraham interview

 

Ranbir Kapoor in an elevator:  He will be a little shy and awkward for the first hour or so, and then he will get really really intense and deep about his art and his innermost fears and personal history.  But only so long as you just listen and nod along, if you try to ask any specific questions or guide the conversation, he will shut right down.  By the time the elevator starts working again, he has invited you on a getaway to Goa next month and hugs you and says you are his best friend forever and he will never forget you.  And then you get home to an email with details of the Goa trip from Ayan, who he is making organize everything.

Image result for ranbir kapoor interview

 

Ranveer Singh in an elevator:  So much enthusiasm!  It’s almost scary.  And definitely feels fake.  But about hour 2 you start to kind of enjoy it, and by hour 4 the energy is contagious and you are jumping and shouting just as much as he is.  By hour 6, when you are finally rescued, you are holding each other and jumping up and down, you’ve traded clothes, and done each other’s hair, and the rescuers want you to get a psychiatric assessment before releasing you.  You finally say good-bye with many tears and hugs, and then as you ride home you start to think “What just happened?”  And then the texts start popping up on your phone, one every minute, “What’s up?” “Saw this dog and thought of you”  “Did you see the dog picture?” “Found another picture of a dog” “Should I do my hair like this?”  You mark his number as blocked on your phone and make a mental note to cancel your Facebook profile before he can “Friend” you.

Image result for ranveer singh interview

 

Abhishek Bachchan in an elevator:  Really kind of stiff and dignified at first.  Lot’s of small talk and superficial conversation about “I wonder how long until this is fixed?”  But then about hour 2 you say something that makes him laugh and he starts to loosen up.  By hour 4 he is making goofy faces and telling cute stories about Aaradha.  When the rescuers arrive, he suddenly gets dignified again, smoothly taking control and dealing with them, and getting both of you out of the building and into his highly secure car, which he takes to drop you off at your house, waiting until he is sure you are inside.  6 months later, a beautiful hand-calligraphed invitation arrives for the next large Bachchan social event, a Diwali or Holi or Birthday party.  Abhishek greets you in the receiving line very properly, and introduces you to everyone else in the family, but it is all very formal and you don’t really get to see the “real” Abhishek ever again.

Image result for abhishek bachchan funny interview

 

Anil Kapoor in an elevator: He is DE-LIGHTED!  There is nothing he would rather do than spend 6 hours in an elevator with you!  He is fascinated by everything you have to say, this is the greatest conversation in the history of the world!  At the end of 6 hours, you finally exit the elevator feeling like you have more energy and optimism than ever before in your life.  You go home and clean your entire apartment and then finally finish that novel you’ve been planning.  A year later, your novel is released on a small press, and out of the blue without you asking or any interaction between you since the elevator, Anil tweets “saw this wonderful novel by my close close friend!  BRILLIANT!!!”

Image result for anil kapoor interview

 

Okay, I’m exhausted, and I know I’m missing some people.  Feel free to fill in the comments with ones I am missing and what you think they would be like.

Or you can just comment as to who you would most like to be trapped with.  I think I might prefer Anil?

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19 thoughts on “TGIF: Elevator Fantasies

  1. I actually don’t want to meet any of my favorite celebrities because I feel like I will end up disappointed. But I would still want to be stuck in an elevator with Varun 🙂 I’ve only heard good things about the way that he treats his fans. Plus I’m more of an introvert in real life so I need someone that would talk to me and start the conversation first. It would be really fun if Alia was in the elevator too; she and Varun together are really entertaining.

    Shahrukh would be interesting too except that I know that I would get intimidated by him.

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    • I don’t really want to meet anyone in real life either, because I would just turn into an idiot. But if I imagine that I am trapped in an elevator, I can also imagine that I have better and braver social skills than I do in “real life”.

      I bet you are right, that Varun would be just really nice in an elevator. And probably more “normal” than any of the ones I listed. It seems like Varun is still so new to his fame, and still on the way up, so that it would be more like being trapped in an elevator with a really nice normal guy, instead of with some scary movie star.

      Also, if I was trapped with Varun, I would have a conversation starter! You know Dina, from the podcasts? She has the exact same birthday as Varun, same year and everything. So I could talk with him about that, and that would sort of get the conversational ball rolling.

      On Fri, Apr 21, 2017 at 7:10 PM, dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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      • Yeah, I think Varun would be more of a normal person rather than a movie star.

        Happy Early Birthday to Dina!

        So, have you seen Ik Vaari Aa from Raabta yet?

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        • Yes! I meant to post about it, but then I got distracted by that epic post on La La Land and Hollywood musicals. I liked it a lot, I thought it was the kind of simple cute love story we don’t get much nowadays. Of course, the only reason it could be simple and cute is because there is that whole strange reincarnation plot coming in the second half.

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          • I was getting more just generally old-fashioned romantic hero vibes. None of that commitment phobic, ironic, or violent and damaged nonsense that we have with every single hero today. This is just a nice happy young guy who is in love.

            On Sat, Apr 22, 2017 at 5:36 PM, dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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  2. 1. So does Salman actually climb through the ventilation shaft and hit the manual override (cutting your trapped time by two hours), or does he merely offer to do so?

    2. I think you’re vastly overrating intellectual and intelligence levels for Aamir and Saif. Congratulations, you’ve swallowed their PR hook, line, and sinker.

    3. I thought, when you went home and got the ill spelled email from Hrithik, you’d decide that dream Hrithik was better than the real one, and immediately invent a torrid affair with him via email that you could later mention in a press conference. 🙂

    4. I think Ranveer would use up all the oxygen in the elevator and drain you of all your energy.

    5. I’m not sure I buy your Abhishek fantasy, but it at least sounds more believable than a similar encounter with Amitabh.

    I disagree about actresses. Maybe the current lot. But I think someone like Juhi would be a lot of fun if stuck on an elevator. Maybe also Tamannah (she’s done enough Hindi movies to be considered “Bollywood”, right?). Actually with Tamannah the time would pass very quickly while she demonstrated her language skills in the five or six languages she speaks. 🙂

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    • 1. Oh no, Salman would actually do it. Unless you begged him not to because you are worried about his health.

      2. I don’t know, this is how they seem in interviews too, unless the whole thing is scripted.

      3. I did consider having an elevator with Kangana where we start out getting along all right, and then halfway through she takes offense at something you say, spends the rest of the time alternating between criticizing you, and talking about how her feelings were hurt, and then after the rescuers get you out, she gives a detailed voluntary statement about everything she thinks you have done to her, and you are hounded by the press for weeks and weeks. But then I decided not to say that, because it seemed mean.

      4. Maybe that’s why I would start to enjoy jumping around with him? Lightheaded from oxygen deprivation.

      5. Which part? The dignified reserved half, or the funny story part?

      Good point on the actresses! Seems like Juhi would be a kick. Hema too. And Zeenat Aman would absolutely dish on everyone.

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    • Partly. But mostly those real life interviews he gives sometimes, when they ask him one question, and then he just talks and talks and talks, and tells stories, and does voices and so on and so on, and they hardly have a chance to ask him a second question.

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  3. An invite to Big B’s Diwali bash? Ambitious! Salman would probably ask you if you want to act in a Bollywood movie.Now if I was trapped with Ranveer Singh in an elevator, they’d finally open the elevator and discover him gagged and unconscious.Plus I’ll be standing over him with a bottle ready to crown him again.

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    • Poor Ranveer! No one really wants to be trapped in an elevator with him. Kind of makes me wonder how Deepika has dated him for so long.

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  4. I loved your Hrithik scenario! He’s lost so much of his appeal to me lately. I think he’s always been the ultimate empty-headed gym bro and I’ve ignored that for so long since he was the reason I started watching Hindi films. His tweets are ridiculous.

    The John Abraham one was perfect, too.

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    • I’m pretty proud of the John Abraham one. He seems like a guy with a pretty clear idea of his own abilities and weaknesses.

      On Sat, Apr 22, 2017 at 2:23 PM, dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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  5. My fantasy is with Alia Bhatt,

    If I get struck with her in an elevator, I will be like Chandler.

    At first, I wont able to say any thing for about 2 hours. I will be awestruck with such a beauty. I will be sweating and i will message my friends that I am stuck with the hottest girl in the world.

    She will ignoring me at first but at last she will talk.

    Then, I will try to act like that this means nothing. I will try to hide the child inside me and act that I dont even know her

    We will open up. but then my awkwardness will take hold of me. I will finally show her my punjabi music collection. I will show her Bindrakhia songs and she will perhaps like them. Awkwardness will grow and I will tell her that I am her big fan. She is the only reason that I am even a little bit interested in Bollywood. I will tell her my dream roles for her. That will be Supergirl, Vampirella and Red Sonja. We will laugh and In the end we will end up friends. I will sing the song ” Bada chir baad Jatt khush hoiya te aaj thekiyan di khair nai”

    SHe will ask me for more Punjabi songs and will end up giving me her number for watsapp. I will send her more Punjabi songs. And Andaz Apna Apna dream sequences will follow. I will send her some Punjabi movies too. She will become more interested in PUnjabi movies and she will take me to a Punjabi movies in Mumbai.

    And she will get impressed and will think of business expansion. She will produce some PUnjabi movies. And I become savior of PUnjabi cinema.

    She will eventually dress like Supergirl, Vampirella and Red SOnja

    We will go to USA for holidays. And I will introduce her as my gf to my American friends. Rest is too cliche to write

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey! Coca-cola used a time machine to go into the future and steal my idea and then go back and make an ad based on it!

      On Thu, Apr 27, 2017 at 10:27 AM, dontcallitbollywood wrote:

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