Well, we all had good fun on my post this morning coming up with alternative plot-necessary reasons for Shahrukh to be sexy at 11 for an entire film. The clear winner was a James bond themed plot with someone of equal sexiness like Madhuri. And then the runner up that was my favorite, Shahrukh as James Bond type who falls for the glasses wearing Moneypenny type.
Shahrukh Sexy Spy/Madhuri Super Cop With Role Play
Okay, this is a combo of suggestions from Joyomama and Claudia. There’s a first half and a second half with a time jump. First half, Shahrukh is a sexy super spy. He is sent in undercover at a dance bar to look for Sanjay Dutt, big bad criminal, who has a soft spot for beautiful dancing girls. While he is sitting at the bar, slowly sipping his drink, he is stunned and distracted when Madhuri comes out, the headliner, who is incredibly sexy. She notices Shahrukh in the audience, because he is also incredibly sexy. And they start kind of playing to each other, she throws him little glances, he holds her gaze and toasts her sexily with his glass. When the song is over, he goes back to her dressing room and they have a flirty conversation where she asks for money without asking for it and he offers without exactly offering. And finally she agrees to meet him at his car if he offers her a “gift” of one crore (Madhuri knows her value). He meets her outside, she gets in the backseat, they continue to make eyes at each other in the rear view mirror, and finally pull up at a hotel, walk through the lobby, and once they are alone in the elevator, she smiles, he smiles, and gently reaches out and brushes her lips until she sighs, and then they kind of fall together.
(Reminder of the SRK-Madhuri magic)
An hour later, she smoothly rearranges her sari while Shahrukh lays half undressed in a tussled bed. She smiles at him and asks “was that worth one crore”. Shahrukh half smiles back and says “what was it worth to you?” Madhuri smiles back and blows him a kiss.
And then as soon as she leaves, Shahrukh roles over in bed and calls his partner waiting in an unmarked van downstairs (Jackie Shroff? Arjun? Who is a good sexy partner?) to tell him he has planted the tracking device and the recorder, they just need to follow her to find Sanjay’s den. Shahrukh joins him in the van, they listen to Madhuri be all flirty-flirty with Sanjay, Shahrukh looks pained but hides it. And finally his partner says something about “ho ho, moving into the bedroom”, and Shahrukh has to take his earphones off. Until his partner is all “hey, how about that, she’s not up for it! I wonder why?” And Shahrukh puts the headphones back on.
Montage song! Routine starts, Shahrukh goes to the bar at night, winks at Madhuri, they have hot sex, he pays her, then runs downstairs and follows her to Sanjay’s. Where she continues to avoid having sex with him. And Shahrukh’s partner continues to listen in on her going from Shahrukh’s to Sanjay’s, and avoiding sex. And making comments about how someone must be satisfying her in a big way if she isn’t interested in sex with Sanjay, even with all the money he is offering. And Shahrukh just kind of sits there and smiles, because while that first night together was sort of part of their plan, all the other nights after that are a secret just for him.
(Go 3 minutes in for the awesome bit)
In the middle of this, Shahrukh has to go to his nieces wedding and his sister (Juhi) nags him into meeting a nice young thing who might make a nice wife for him (finally!). Only Shahrukh keeps picturing Madhuri, with his family, at the party. Until finally he tells Juhi that he has found a wife, but he isn’t sure if she will approve. And he will bring her around next time he visits. And Juhi gives him a family ring to give this woman.
Only, when Shahrukh goes back to town, he learns his team has put together a plan while he has been gone, they are going to take down Sanjay at Madhuri’s dance club that night. Shahrukh protests about civilian casualties, but they tell him the plan is already in place and he isn’t part of it. Finally, in frustration, he quits!!!! And then goes to the bar that night, all tired and angry and unshaven and hot looking, with a gun hidden under his shirt. Madhuri isn’t on stage yet, he tries to find her dressing room, and just as he gets there, gunfight! He is crawling along the floor to her room, when suddenly Madhuri bursts out, in her performing sari, he stands up and tries to go to her when she shouts out “get down!” and pulls a gun from a thigh holster and shoots the guy behind Shahrukh, then spins around and shoots someone else, grabs Shahrukh and throws him against the wall against her body while she shoots in either direction. And then finally does that cool thing where she ejects the empty cartridge once the hallway is clear and Shahrukh stands there looking like “OH MY GOD. She is so hot.” And then Madhuri pulls out her badge and says “Madhuri Dixit, ACP Bombay Crime Branch”.
Jump ahead, Shahrukh is one of many civilians being lined up while others are are arrested and there are a whole bunch of cops moving around. Madhuri signals one of her underlings to bring Shahrukh into her, where she has set up an office in her dressing room, with her hair tied back and her badge on and everything. Shahrukh comes in looking all kind of puppylike. Madhuri tells her underling to shut the door and then, when they are alone, is all proper and precise and hands him back his stack of money, along with a receipt accounting for it all. And then looks a little uncomfortable and says a clearly prepared speech, “I am very sorry for the misunderstanding. I spend my life being a man at work, and it is rare to find someone who can remind me what it’s like to be a woman. I thank you for that, and apologize for wasting your time.” Shahrukh listens to her, but when she stands up to dismiss him, he stays seated and says “I don’t accept your apology”. Madhuri looks surprised and starts to fumble around with “It wasn’t professional, I know, but…” Shahrukh cuts her off by leaning forward and gently stroking her hand and giving her the sex eyes when he says “if you want to feel like a woman, I can do that for you. Every night. And every day, you can go off to work and feel like a man. I happen to have some free time right now, and if you like, I would like to spend it taking care of you. So long as you have 40 or 50 or 60 years to spare.” And while Madhuri is still trying to recover, he pulls out the ring that he clearly has been carrying around so she knows he was going to propose even when he thought she was a naach girl/prostitute, and says “I’ll take my money back, but I’d like to give you this in exchange.”
(Maybe she is wearing her police hat during this scene? does that make it more or less sexy?)
Fast forward 5 years! Dim lighting, Shahrukh and Madhuri in bed, he is gently nibbling her neck, she is gasping, and then there is a sound outside, she freezes, he whispers “I thought we had more time”. And the kids burst in! Jump on the bed, Shahrukh grabs them and lifts them up off the bed, with his sex hair all up and stuff, and lightly kisses Madhuri’s forehead and tells her “breakfast in ten minutes, see you there.” And then Shahrukh, perfect homemaker. Makes breakfast for the kids, tells Madhuri where she left her bag the night before, and stops her before she leaves because she “forgot something”, which is of course the big kiss he is going to give her.
After the kids are dropped at school, Shahrukh gets a call from his old partner who says “you up for something ‘fun’, or are you too busy with groceries?” Shahrukh is totally up for something ‘fun’, we think maybe he is going to cheat on Madhuri or something, but nope! His partner needs back up for a take down. Big action sequence! During which, as they are crawling and shooting and beating people up, Shahrukh and his partner talk about Shahrukh’s life. Yes, he is still happy being a stay at home Dad, no he doesn’t want to go back to work, and no, Madhuri has no idea what he used to do for a living, thinks he was some kind of boring businessman type with lots of family money.
Only, when he goes home that night, Madhuri isn’t there! He calls her office, she is “busy”. He tells them that she can’t be “busy”, she promised to be home that night, something is wrong! Finally, after the kids are in bed, he goes over to the central crime branch something office where she works. He sees that there is a woman working at the front desk, pauses, loosens his tie, ruffles his hair a bit, changes his walk, and then walks in and leans over the desk and says, all low and sexy, “hey”. And manages to get out of her in about five minutes that everyone is working late that night because the female ACP is missing, she went out on a job and never came back.
Shahrukh goes, wakes up the kids, puts them in the car, and drives them to Juhi’s. Tells Juhi he may not be available for a while, he will call when he can. And then calls up his friend/partner and says he is going to need back-up. The partner asks what the plan is, Shahrukh says he needs information, and he is going to get it. The partner asks how, and Shahrukh kind of wriggles his eyebrows and says “how did I used to get it?” The partner is a little shocked and says “Won’t Madhuri Bhabhi mind?” Shahrukh smiles and says “don’t worry, I won’t have to do anything that would bother her.”
And montage of quick scenes. Shahrukh moves on from the receptionist to an office worker, manages to get a copy of a file. Learns Madhuri was chasing Sanjay again (he escaped from jail) and her office thinks he is the one who kidnapped her. They are tracking down known associates, but they don’t have the files that Shahrukh’s spy group has, showing his long long long list of courtesans. And so Shahrukh starts working through the list. Tabu, Kareena, Deepika, Bipasha, Rani, all the greatest hits. He shows up, smiles at them, wags his finger at them, gets invited back to their dressing woman, gently strokes their waist, breaths on their ear, kisses their neck, and then says “I’m sorry, I can’t go any farther, I’ve taken a vow not to be with a woman until I avenge the death of my brother, killed by Sanjay.” And naturally, they all give him everything he needs.
(Picture this, and then him saying “so sorry, can’t kiss you or go any farther until I fulfill my vow.”)
Finally, he learns that Sanjay is hiding out in the mountains, and arranging a wedding. Rumor has it that there is some woman he never got over years earlier, and now he is all excited to marry her so she can never get away from him again. He found some kind of religion, and is waiting for the priest to say it is an auspicious day. The wedding is scheduled for tomorrow.
So, Shahrukh has to go undercover at a wedding. Nice outfit, sneaks in by flirting with one of the female guests. Manouvers over close to the sacred fire. Starts moving faster when he sees Madhuri looking steely eyed and unhappy. And then they exchange garlands AND MADHURI TWISTS HIS AROUND HIS NECK AND STARTS STRANGLING HIM!!!! Shahrukh is surprised for a second, but then when people start moving to grab her, he pulls out his gun and starts shooting them. Madhuri doesn’t even notice at first, is too focused on strangling Sanjay. But finally looks up to see her nice house husband killing people left and right. She is stunned, but stays focused and keeps killing Sanjay. Until, finally, he is dead and she looks up to see Shahrukh standing there. She sort of stumbles to her feet, he grabs her hand and pulls her up, and they embrace.
Fast-forward 6 months. Shahrukh and Madhuri drop the kids off at Juhi’s, Shahrukh gives a last list of all the things Juhi needs to know and do and so on for the kids. And then they take off in the car, Shahrukh loosens his tie and checks their ammunition, Madhuri lets her hair down, and we fade into them arriving at a kind of underground nightclub and entering it like they own the place, as everyone there kind of gasps at the combined hotness of this couple.
(This, but with Madhuri instead of Lara Dutta)
Option 2: James Bond Shahrukh has to teach Moneypenny Tabu how to be sexy
Not much explanation needed for this one, I don’t think. Shahrukh is a sexy spy who sexes people. And then comes home and gives his receipts to boring middle-aged glasses wearing Tabu, the secretary for his big boss Satish Shah. Until he comes in for another assignment and is told that their entire list of female agents has been compromised. To get the Big Bad (let’s make it Sanjay again), they need a female honeypot. And there is one woman who has volunteered. Tabu. Only, she needs training. Shahrukh is all “Tabu, yuch! She wears glasses and is boring!” But Tabu stands up to him and says “I may be boring, but I am a patriot, and a quick learner, and I will do anything you ask me to do.” Shahrukh agrees.
First thing, sex! He is partly trying to scare her off, and partly making sure she can really do this before they go any farther. Tabu isn’t scared off. She goes to a hotel room with him and comes out of the bathroom in her long nightgown and glasses with her hair in a braid looking scared. And Shahrukh begins to feel a little bad and suggests they just talk for a bit. He asks her why she wants to do this. And she admits that her dead husband was an agent, that’s why she got this job, and now she just wants to do anything she can in his memory. So Shahrukh should teach her how to be sexy. Shahrukh tells her that the first step is for her to feel sexy. He asks her when she felt sexy. When she was with her husband. Shahrukh asks if her husband found her sexy. She says yes. Okay, what did she used to do. Tabu sits down on the bed next to him, gently drifts her fingers under the hair by his ear and lifts it away, and then leans over and blows gently on his ear. Then sits back and says “it probably seems silly to you, but he liked it.” Shahrukh sits there looking all stunned. And then he turns and gently does the same thing to her, following it up with a delicate little kiss on her neck. And Tabu sighs and they sink back on to the bed together.
And, makeover/sex montage!!!! Hot sex every night with Tabu slowly gaining confidence and Shahrukh smiling a lot, and during the day he takes her out to buy clothes and get her hair done and get make-up done and stuff. Until finally they are called into Satish Shah’s office. It’s time to do the job. Tabu has to go out to a nightclub, attract Sanjay’s attention, sleep with him, and plant a tracking device. Shahrukh will be there for backup. In the car before she goes in, he goes over all the bits of technology she needs, with his voice going increasingly deep and rough and caring, and Tabu giving him the big “say you love me!” eyes. And then finally he gives her a big kiss which she reciprocates, and then pushes her away and says “go, now!”
(Like this, but with Tabu and Sanjay and Shahrukh listening from a distance)
Tabu goes inside, looks nervous, but then sees Sanjay and falls into action. While Shahrukh watches, she slides into his booth, comes onto him, takes his hand, leads him upstairs. Shahrukh breaks into the hotel room next door to listen, but just as Sanjay is about to kiss her, he can’t stand it and bursts in. Tabu is stunned, but rather than blow her cover, he gives a big speech. She is the woman he loves, he wants her in his bed every night, sure they had a fight and she thought he told her to go out and sleep with another man, but he didn’t mean it! Tabu is all surprised, until Shahrukh grabs her and kisses her, and then she is all obedient because such is the power of Sexy Shahrukh Kiss. And then he turns on Sanjay and is all “you! How dare you go off with my woman!” Tabu drags him off, and they both go through to the other room, close the door, and passionately embrace. Tabu asks “did you mean that?” Shahrukh is all “more than you know, I never want to watch you with another man again.” Tabu is all “but the mission?” Shahrukh is all ‘not to worry, I planted the tracker when I pretended to punch him.”
Next day, at Satish Shah’s office, he is congratulating them on a job well done. Shahrukh thanks him but says, he is afraid he has some bad news. This will be the last job like that he does. If possible, he’d like to see if there is a desk job open. So he can have lunch everyday with his wife (smile at Tabu as they hold hands).
So, which one of these is sexier? Or is the lonely-bad-boy-widower SRK from earlier today still King of Sexy?
Also, is it weird that I ended up having him settled with pre-marital sex in both versions? It just feels to me like that is the ultimate sexy SRK fantasy, super sexy but only interested in one woman. You know, like in real life.