A total indulgence here. Now that we have seen Shahrukh play an entire film with the sexy cranked up to 11 (full JHMS coverage here), I am toying with ideas for other films he could be in with a similar effect. You know, because the story requires it of course. UPDATE: Following suggestions in the comments, I added more sexy SRK options here
Shahrukh the Widower Who Just Wants to Be Loved For More Than His Body:
How about this? Shahrukh, playing his own age, is a widower. He raised his son (Varun) alone. His marriage was arranged, to a shy sweet woman whose memory has faded for him in the years since as he became a successful businessman and raised his son and so on. When we meet him, he is dead sexy, finalizing a business deal and then smoothly asking the female lawyer opposing him out for drinks (Kareena?). He takes her to a bar, wordlessly seduces her, and they fall in to bed. The next day, he leaves a fresh coffee and his cell phone number with a note “call me any time you want me” next to her side of the bed. Clearly this is a routine he has done a lot, fall into bed for a good time, leaving his number behind in case you want to go again.
(Okay, picture this, but sexier)
But then Varun calls, to tell him he is in love! Shahrukh is delighted, and also sexily changing clothes in his office while Varun is on speaker (because like I said, up to 11 every minute!). But, Varun says, there is a problem, she is a traditional girl, her parents want to meet his parents. Not a problem, Shahrukh will be there. “Yeah, but Dad, don’t be too….you know.” Not to worry! He knows just what Varun means!
Only of course Shahrukh can’t not be too “you know”. He dresses carefully, wears a tie and jacket and brushes his hair. But as soon as he walks into the nice middle-class living room you can feel the sexy just ooze off of him. Varun and Alia (of course) are sitting there looking all young and sweet and nervous. Alia’s pleasant parents are offering samosas and seem friendly. But then her mother starts asking pointed questions about if they would be living with Shahrukh, is there another woman in the household? Shahrukh and Varun don’t catch on, are quick to say that Alia would have full freedom, they would cherish her, she could do whatever she wants because it is just them in the house. Finally, her mother stands up and says she forbids the match. She is not going to send her daughter off to life alone in the same house as “THAT!” (gesturing towards Shahrukh’s whole dead sexy older man thing). Shahrukh honestly doesn’t know what she is complaining about, tries to calm her down (which means his voice gets all low and sexy), which just makes her angrier and more sure. Varun and Shahrukh are both thrown out, while Alia cries.
(I mean really, would you marry your daughter off into a house with THIS?)
Back home, Varun is furious with Shahrukh, tells him that if he were just like other fathers, was married to a nice woman and went home to her every night, Varun’s life would be so much simpler! His girlfriends wouldn’t forget him the moment they met his father, his friends’ mothers wouldn’t be hanging around his house all the time, they could go out for a normal father-son dinner without the waitress giving him her number! Does Shahrukh know how embarrassing that is? And now, now he has even broken his engagement! Just do something! Fix Yourself!!!! And Varun declares he is moving out and doesn’t want to hear from his father until things have changed.
Well, now Shahrukh has a problem. He pulls out a photo of Varun’s mother, his dead wife (Divya Bharti, because I am sentimental that way) and talks to her, saying that their son is unhappy, and he swore to her that he would never let that happen. Maybe his life hasn’t been all she would have wanted for the past few years, but he never thought it would harm their son. So now he is going to have to go back, to try to remember what it was like to be a husband.
(They were awfully cute together)
He starts off practical. Calls in a high level marriage broker to introduce him to a list of high profile possible brides. Only, he shows up for the first coffee date (let’s say with Bips), and 20 minutes later is stumbling out of the bathroom stall rearranging his clothes. And then is told that she doesn’t want to marry him after all. Said she had “fun” at the meeting, but he isn’t exactly what she pictured in a husband. Shahrukh is frustrated and starts calling up his rolodex of booty calls to find out what is wrong with him. Finally Kareena is the one to lay it out for him. Women look at him, and they see a good time in the bedroom, but not in any other room in the house.
Shahrukh decides the only option is to find a woman who has no idea what happens in the bedroom and therefore will be blind to his appeal. He drops the fancy high priced urban marriage broker and goes off to the country and contacts a local country type broker (Naseeruddin Shah, let’s say). He gives him a ton of money and tells him to find a woman who is as close as possible the total opposite of “this” and then hands him photos of Bips and Kareena, gorgeous young confident in modern sexy clothes.
And so Naseeruddin introduces him to Juhi Chawla. Loud, can barely speak English, huge bright traditional clothes and tons of jewelry. They meet in the lobby of the fancy hotel where Shahrukh is staying and she loudly asks if the milk has been boiled before she is willing to drink her chai. Shahrukh visibly winces. But he perseveres and explains that he is a widower, he had no interest in remarrying, but he has one son, his son wants to get married, and the girl’s family has made it a requirement that he be married so there is an older woman in the household.
Juhi laughs too loudly and declares “same to same!!!” But, the opposite. She ran her brother’s household for years , but now her nephew has married and his bride does not want another woman in the household. But she is very experienced at running a house, she will have no problem taking care of him and his son and the little bride. And he doesn’t have to worry, she can see from his dull clothes that he has no “spice” left in his life, she understands why he was never interested in remarrying, that is fine with her, you can’t miss something you never had, and they are both too old for children, grandchildren more like! So long as he puts the mangalsutra around her neck, she is happy if he never touches her again.
(I’m picturing something like this, but more so. She is still gorgeous, but way over the top and unlike the kind of women he is used to)
Shahrukh is kind of stunned by the realization that she looks at his cool sexiness and sees it as “tired, old man, no colors”, and, while being polite, hurries to get out of there. Juhi confidently declares that she will wait for his call. Shahrukh calls Nawazuddin to complain about this woman who is too blind to see the man sitting in front of her, when he is interrupted by a call from Varun! He quickly hangs up on Nawazuddin and is thrilled to hear from Varun! Only then is worried because Varun is very drunk and very depressed, says that Alia is being married to someone else tomorrow, Varun wants to die. Shahrukh, panicked and heartbroken, calls Nawazuddin back and says “Yes, I’ll do it, but only if the wedding is tomorrow and we leave town immediately, I have to get back.”
And so, wedding! Shahrukh looks very uncomfortable, Juhi looks triumphant and happy. And then she babbles all the way on the airplane about it being her first time on a plane and so on and so forth, until Shahrukh finally says “please excuse me” and rolls over and pretends to go to sleep. And for the first time, Juhi looks a little hurt and uncertain.
Plane lands, Shahrukh tries to send Juhi back to the house while he rushes off to find Varun, but she declares she has to go with him because she can’t cross the threshold of her husband’s house for the first time without him. And so Juhi ends up being dragged along, first to Varun’s sad bachelor apartment where he is drunk and depressed. Shahrukh tries to talk to him while Juhi makes faces and picks up empty bottles in the background, but when Shahrukh isn’t getting through, Juhi finally just walks over and slaps him and says “Listen! I am your mother now and you have to do as I say! You are going to get in that shower and clean yourself up and then we are going over to that house and bringing home my daughter-in-law!” Shahrukh is angry, but before he can say anything, Varun stands up and obediently goes to the shower, and Juhi looks triumphant and says “Husband, you sit here, I am going to pack our son’s things.” One of the first things she pulls out of the closet is a pile of girlie mags, Shahrukh looks embarrassed, Juhi just makes a face at them and says “No need for these any more! a married man won’t want them.” And then she sort of looks apologetic and says “Sorry husband! You wouldn’t understand, a younger man would have these urges”. Shahrukh just sort of nods like he doesn’t even care any more and accepts it.
Once Varun is out of the shower, Juhi snaps round, tightens his tie and fixes his hair, and then does the sweeping away the evil eye thing and says “Ah! How handsome my son is now! Surely, we will not come home without his bride!” Varun kind of smiles shyly and bends down to take her blessing, and Juhi gets all sentimental and says “Oh no!” but is clearly really touched.
(How are there no photos of Varun with Juhi? Oh well, this one with Kajol is kind of the same)
Off to Alia’s! Juhi takes the lead immediately, drags the men behind her right into the wedding preperations, asking “where is the girl’s mother? Ah! There!” She goes right over and starts talking, explains that she knows a mother’s feelings, she has a son herself, it would be trying to send your daughter off to a strange house with strange men. But now she is there! To be a second mother to her and take care of her, so no worries! And besides, it is what the children want, you understand. Her son wants this girl, so she is going to get her for him, and if her mother does not agree, they will find another way. Her husband, he looks rather weak and old, but he is very wealthy you know. And powerful, and this will not be the first bride taken from her house on her wedding day, although they would prefer to avoid that scandal, you understand?
And, wedding! Who could stand up to that! There is a sudden groom switch and Alia and Varun go around the fire while Juhi enthusiastically blesses them and Shahrukh looks at her with a “thinking” face.
That night, Shahrukh is getting ready for bed (sexily) when Juhi happily walks into the room. He looks kind of surprised to see her, but she explains that the young people are in their bedroom downstairs, she understands this is the master suite, the servants moved her things up here. It is very nice. Oh! Attached bath! Does he mind if she uses it first? Shahrukh kind of wordlessly shakes his head. He is in bed when she comes out, make-up scrubbed off, long hair wet, in a simple white sleeping shirt. She asks “I hope you don’t mind, I got in the habit of borrowing my brother’s shirts to sleep in. So comfortable!” Shahrukh wordlessly shakes his head, he doesn’t mind. Juhi starts to crawl in to bed and then suddenly sits up “Oh! I almost forgot!” Shahrukh looks kind of intrigued and excited, like he thinks maybe she is going to do the first night milk ceremony and be sexy. But no, she runs across the room to her suitcases, then into the bathroom, then comes back triumphant “Hot water bottle! When my brother began to be, well, of mature years like yourself, he said he could never sleep without it to keep him warm. Now, sleep! Very important if you want to keep your strength up.” And Juhi happily crawls into bed and goes to sleep immediately, while Shahrukh kind of studies her, and then sighs and pats the hot water bottle and rolls over.
(This isn’t the scene I was thinking of in One 2 Ka 4, but it is a similar look. Also, if you feel the need for sexy SRK, One 2 Ka 4 isn’t a bad option)
Time passes happily, Juhi and Alia run the household, Varun and Shahrukh go to work together every day. Only, while Alia and Varun are all sweet and kissy face all the time, Juhi is completely uninterested, doesn’t even seem to notice Shahrukh’s eyes following her.
Finally, one day at work, Varun is saying how wonderful it is to be a married man, he understands now why all those women were running after his father, night-play is amazing. Shahrukh looks increasingly grumpy until finally Varun notices and says “Wait, do you mean you and mother haven’t……?” Shahrukh snaps “No! Haven’t you noticed? She sees me as more of a brother than a husband!” Varun looks confused, “well, in that case, surely she wouldn’t mind if you were to call..” Shahrukh cuts him off and looks sincerely shocked! “VARUN! I am a married man now!” Varun finally puts it together, “so, the only way you will ever….you know…..is if mother comes around?” Shahrukh kind of looks down like he is embarrassed of this whole discussion. Varun hesitates and then asks, “I mean, you do find mother…..attractive? Don’t you?” Shahrukh keeps looking down and softly admits, “Very much.”
And so, courtship! Alia is sent in as their spy, to gently hint around and find out what Juhi likes in a man. Of course, her first answer is that she likes her husband, as a good wife she loves him in all ways. But Alia keeps pushing, and finally Juhi admits that, when she was younger, she always dreamed of a dashing type of man who would wear bright colors and dance Bhangra and sweep her off her feet in the fields. But this is fine too.
Varun makes the next move, convincing Shahrukh that he has to personally investigate their building site in the country. And, why not invite mother along! Shahrukh agrees readily, he likes spending time with Juhi. They drive along together, love song as Shahrukh watches her, until, oh no! The car has broken down. Shahrukh calls Varun to check in, and is told that coincidentally there is a little guest house nearby, and a change of clothes packed in the back that will be more comfortable to walk in. Juhi looks the other way while Shahrukh changes in the car, and ta-da! He is the colorful man of her dreams. She looks kind of surprised, he doesn’t notice, shifts uncomfortably in the strange clothes. And then they walk through the fields and suddenly Juhi is looking at him and the love song is back. And at the guest house, of course, there is only one small room available.
Shahrukh offers Juhi his shirt to sleep in (literally the shirt off his back). Which means he is shirtless in bed when she comes out in a shirt. They are embarrassed to be sleeping so close to each other, without even the distance of a full size bed between them. And then a song starts playing on the radio in the room next door through the thin walls, Shahrukh gently reaches out and strokes her cheek, Juhi looks kind of fragile and excited, and fade out.
(Yes yes, it is very similar to this. But come on, what’s sexier than Aradhana?)
Next day, Varun shows up with the car, and quickly figures out what happened from the way Juhi and Shahrukh are carefully not looking at each other. Only, unfortunately, before they can talk about it, work emergency! Shahrukh has to fly off to take care of something at their overseas branch. He takes a hurried farewell of Juhi, gently kissing her forehead, tells Varun “take care of your mother”, and leaves.
Sweet missing you song! He is in boring business meetings, random white women are coming on to him, but he is blind to all of that, having visions of Juhi in bed, in her wedding clothes, serving his food, etc. And then he gets a call from Varun, Juhi is gone! She left a note behind saying she was sorry and was going back home to her brother, he called and said she could live with him again. Shahrukh is furious with himself, sure he has driven her away with his disgusting physical demands, Varun and Alia are both sure that is not it, there must be something else going on. They insist that he at least try to talk to her.
And so Shahrukh goes back to the country town where he met her. In a nice combo of their two tastes, he is in modern pants but with a bright long shirt over them. He meets Nawazuddin, who drives him out to her house, but he asks to walk the last bit of the way. He walks up, sees her sadly hanging clothes in the courtyard, gently says her name. She freezes and then turns and starts to cry. He immediately grabs her and embraces her and asks what’s wrong. Juhi sobbingly confesses that she lied to him, she didn’t know it was a lie, but it was, and now he will be mad at her and hate her and she is so sorry for seeking her own pleasures and seducing him when he was happy with his elderly life. Shahrukh just keeps saying “sssshhhhh, ssssshhhh” and stroking her head, and finally asks “and why was all of this a reason to leave our home?” Juhi sniffles and finally stands back and holds her stomach. She’s pregnant! “at an age when you should be thinking about grandchildren, I am going to make you a father again. I am so sorry!” Shahrukh starts to kind of smile and laughs and then suddenly kisses her passionately, bending her backwards until she drops her laundry and clutches his hair. And then as the camera pulls back we hear him say “do you still think I have no spice left in me?”
And, happy ending song! Which is mostly Varun and Alia stumbling upon Juhi and Shahrukh fooling around in inappropriate places. Quick rearranging clothes in the kitchen, Shahrukh having strange flour spots on his clothes afterwards. Juhi bringing him lunch in the office and Varun surprising them with her sitting on his lap feeding him. Ending with the two of them play acting, back at the hotel where they first met, Shahrukh in super country type clothes, Juhi in a fancy suit pretending not to be interested in him.
So, is that sexy enough? Should/could it be sexier? If so, how?
Also, I considered and rejected Shahrukh-as-the-honeypot-in-a-spy-thriller, Shahrukh-as-a-high-class-escort, and Shahrukh-needs-to-seduce-someone-to-save-his-company. Feel free to tell me which one of those I should attempt next!
(I’ve already done Shahrukh-is-into-dudes-and-seduces-everybody so I couldn’t use that one but you can read it here).