Happy Sunday! I am about to go to church for a Sunday School committee meeting, followed by Sunday school, followed by the fall involvement fair, followed by the services committee meeting. And this whole time I will know in my heart that I am secretly the kind of person who has written a “Shahrukh Khan as a prostitute” fanfic.
Shahrukh as a High-Powered Male Prostitute:
This really needs to have co-credit with Asmita who came up with the whole concept and then I just embellished on it. Although I do STRONGLY reject her premise that prostitute-Shahrukh would have a ponytail. NO PONYTAIL ON SRK. This is a basic premise of my life.
So, concept. We are in Europe somewhere, Prague let’s say. Shahrukh arrived with nothing but his sexiness and a dream years earlier. He was hired on by the then leading high class male escort company, run by Rekha (brief flashback to young Shahrukh proving his skills by seducing her before he could be hired). Then, flashing forward 15 years, Shahrukh strolls in to Rekha’s office, casually sits down in her fancy leather couch, stretches out his sexy legs and lets his sexy fitted white shirt fall a little open, and informs her that he is starting his own company. Rekha immediately offers him a raise, he tells her “you can’t afford me any more”, Rekha is furious, Shahrukh strolls out with a casual “and thank you for all you have taught me…Auntie”.
5 years later, Shahrukh is now the head of the biggest agency in town. We see his version of a hiring session. Like Rekha, he asks “show me what you can do”. Only, this time it doesn’t go farther than a strip and a lap dance. Hmmm, what young guy do we want to see give Shahrukh a lap dance? My mind is a blank! Help me!!!! Somehow “Tiger Shroff” keeps popping up, but that isn’t right, is it?
Anyway, after the lap dance, Shahrukh cuts him off before it goes any further making it clear that it isn’t that he is against male-on-male, but he is against boss-on-employee. He immediately goes behind his desk, hands him an HR form to fill out, a slip for the doctor who is going to give him a full physical and testing, informs him that there will be a 6 week training class and then a 3 month probation period. The company has never had a complaint from any customer and it is his responsibility to keep that record up. And welcome to Baadshah’s Boys.
(Possibly a remix of this in the background of the promotional video for the agency? Which is an all male item song, obviously)
But then, Shahrukh checks his email to find a message forwarded from the website. A complaint!!!! The first one ever!!!! A woman who politely asks if she can get her money back, as she did not end up using the “full services”. Shahrukh calls in her escort to get the full story. Let’s say, John Abraham? Or maybe Arjun Rampal? He explains what happened, while we see it without ever seeing the woman’s face. He picked her up, they went to the hotel, he fed her strawberries, gave her a massage, even danced for her. But when he went in for the kiss, she didn’t respond. And then politely asked him to take her home. John/Arjun is super apologetic, knows he has let down the company, is embarrassed, this has never happened to him before. Shahrukh tells him it isn’t his fault, he did everything right, there’s something about that woman.
And now, finally, we see the woman. JUHI!!!! And not just Juhi, but Juhi-the-respectable-soccer-mom. Through a series of scenes, we establish that she is a single mother whose husband is good about sending money but not good about spending time with the kids, her oldest son is, let’s say, deaf. Which adds an extra strain, she has to make sure he gets accomodation at school, and also make sure she still pays enough attention to the other two boys, the middle one who is really into science fiction and stuff, and the youngest who is acting out at school since the divorce and she can’t seem to get through to him. She overheard the fancy rich parents at her school talk about Shahrukh’s agency, and saved up money from her birthday checks from her parents, and the little bit of freelance graphic design work she picked up (because she couldn’t use money from her ex-husband, obviously!) and finally set up her “date”. And now she is thinking about getting her money back and buying a vacuum instead.
We find out the last part when Shahrukh meets her. He wants more information about what happened, emails her, she politely says that she just wants her money back and doesn’t have time to meet with him. After some back and forth, she finally says that she can squeeze him in if he meets her at her house. And so she explains the whole “I’d rather have a new vacuum than sex” argument while she is moving around picking up dirty clothes, loading the dishwasher, generally doing all the busy housewife kind of chores. Shahrukh listens, dressed all sexy, but also ends up handing her dishes and helping to carry the laundry baskets without really thinking about it. Finally, Shahrukh hears her out, and then offers that if she gives them one more try, he will buy her the vacuum of her choice, anyone she wants, no matter what happens. And Juhi agrees.
Now, as I see it, we have a montage. Shahrukh keeps trying, does a pole dance for her, cosplay as a pirate, as Sachin Tendulkar, as any other fantasy you can think of. And Juhi just keeps smiling politely and gently pushing him away when he goes for the kiss. But, also, we see a series of gifts. The vacuum, and then a new blender, a new set of pots and pans, and finally a new washer dryer.
Finally, after yet another failed attempt (Juhi looks bored, Shahrukh is shirtless and covered in glitter), they get a phone call. It’s Juhi’s sons’ school. She has to go right away, there is an emergency. But they came in Shahrukh’s car. He reluctantly offers to drive her. At the school, Juhi is told they need to speak with BOTH parents. She calls Shahrukh, tells him he can forget about the new dishwasher if he comes in right now and plays her son’s father. Shahrukh bargains her down until she agrees to 3 more meetings in return for this one favor.
Once inside, Shahrukh starts out fake, being all smooth and charming to the female principal. But once the son comes in, the middle one with the science fiction, Shahrukh gets softened and starts to actually care. He is in trouble because he sent another boy to the hospital. The principal wants to suspend him and blame him for everything, but Shahrukh sees through it, takes the kid aside to talk “man-to-man” and confirms that actually Juhi’s son had been bullied all year, didn’t want to tell his mother because he didn’t want her to worry, has been keeping it all inside, and it finally exploded today. Shahrukh tells him that fighting is wrong, he shouldn’t keep things from his mother, but he bets it felt awfully good to just let go for a second, didn’t it? And somehow, Shahrukh ends up promising to teach him how to fight with a little more control. Juhi finds out at dinner that night, is furious, calls Shahrukh to yell at him for making promises to her son, Shahrukh surprises her by saying that was a sincere promise, he was the son of a single mother himself, he knows how tough it can be. Juhi agrees, but says she has to be there to supervise.
Shahrukh ends up spending time at her house, with all 3 boys. The other two want to learn to fight as well, Shahrukh learns a little sign language so he can teach the oldest, babies things down a little for the youngest without patronizing him, is generally wonderful. And Juhi calls them in for dinner, invites Shahrukh to stay, he and the boys goof around at the table, then he does the dishes while Juhi puts them to bed, and then says he is leaving, will see her for their “date” tomorrow. And Juhi surprises him by kissing him passionately.
They finally have sex, in Juhi’s messy bedroom with the kid’s hand drawn pictures taped to the wall and piles of clothes on the floor and half finished sewing projects strewn around. And it’s not crazy prostitute type sex, it’s funny with them tripping over the clothes on the floor and Shahrukh getting stuck in his shirt while he tries to take it off, and then laughing and kissing and having a real connection. The next morning, Juhi wakes up to find Shahrukh making breakfast for the boys, having already packed their lunches, casually wishes her “good morning” and gives her a kiss while the boys go “ooooo!” and tells her he will see her later.
Back at the office, Shahrukh immediately starts making plans, tells his secretary he will need to do some restructuring of his schedule because he will have to be done by 6pm every night from now on. Also asks her to start looking for a house, somewhere near a park. And to find out what the best school in the city is and who they know there that they might be able to blackmail into accepting 3 more students. Also, the legalities of marriage and guardianship laws here for two Indian ex-patriots.
But in the middle of this, he opens his email to find a message from Juhi. Saying she great appreciates her experience of last night, was fully satisfied, and therefore is sending a wire transfer for the full amount. And she thanks him for his discretion and professionalism. Shahrukh takes a moment, his mouth twists a bit, and then he tells his secretary to forget it, and to bring him the plans for the new branch offices, he wants to focus on making Baadshah’s Boys the leading company in Europe.
Meanwhile, Juhi isn’t doing great either. Her boys ask when Shahrukh is coming over again, and she snaps at them, says he wasn’t their “real” friend, just a business person doing her a favor. She tries to go about her day and forget him, but she can’t. She finally has to talk about this with someone. So she goes into a hotel bar, takes a moment to look around, and then goes up to Lisa Haydon and asks “are you from the Desi Girl agency?” Lisa says yes, and Juhi explains that she will pay her for her time, but she just wants to talk. Lays out the whole situation start to finish, and asks what Lisa thinks? Was there really something there, or was Shahrukh just doing business? Was he giving her the “full husband experience”? Lisa says “I will do a lot of things for money, but I won’t do laundry. I don’t think that’s what was going on” And she adds that Shahrukh is well known in the industry for his professionalism and boundaries, he hasn’t gone out on a job himself in years, and when he did, he was yours while he was with you, but only so long as you were paying. He had a calculator and a stopwatch in his head, he would charge you down to the penny and the second. What Juhi is describing, that sounds like he really liked her. Juhi sighs “That’s what I was afraid of! And I threw it away” Lisa leans forward and says “not necessarily. Have you considered….”
(after Ae Dil Hai Mushkil, I just want her to cameo in every film!)
Shahrukh is angrily on the phone at a hotel bar. He came here for a meeting with the head of the Desi Girl agency to discuss possible synergy opportunities, and she has stood him up! He hangs up the phone, but before he can leave, a voice asks him “buy me a drink?” It’s Juhi! Play acting as a hotel call girl! Shahrukh is thrown, but Juhi bravely keeps going, telling him that she can show him a good time if he is feeling lonely. She has a room right upstairs. Shahrukh hesitates, then says “what about a room across town? With three boys down the hall?” Juhi smiles and says “tomorrow night. Tonight is just for you.”
Who should be the young new hire cameo who gives Shahrukh a lap dance? Tiger, Vidyut Jamwal? Varun? Siddharth? I feel like there must be a young guy who we would enjoy in this situation, but I can’t think who and it bothers me.
Who should be the old hand who failed in the first attempt with Juhi? Arjun? Hrithik? John Abraham? Emraan Hashmi?
Is there a better ending that I’m not thinking of? I also considered having the boys call Shahrukh for help and him realizing that that Juhi is sad and then surprising her with a striptease at the school playground.
Is ‘Baadshah’s Boys” the best possible agency name or is there another one I’m not thinking of?
Should Shahrukh have a ponytail just so Juhi can undo it and run her fingers through his hair at some point, or is it not worth it just for that one moment?
Alia as Sabrina the Teenage Witch
This is like the definition of niche marketing. Who else besides me will both know the Sabrina the Teenage Witch TV Show, and Alia Bhatt? Oh well, I did the crowd-pleasing SRK option already, indulge me!
So, Alia is the teenage witch. She lives with her two aunts, smart and sophisticated scientist Tabu and somewhat ditzy fun one Madhuri. She balances learning magic from them with high school pressures, including her boyfriend Varun Dhawan. Her nemesis is the popular girl in school Jhanvi Kapoor. Her best friend is the shy girl Sara Ali Khan.
Right at the interval, Varun finds out she is a witch and breaks up with her because he can’t handle the lying. Post-interval, Alia is in college with new friends, spoiled rich girl Sonam Kapoor and hippy out there type her-friend-from-Student-of-the-Year. And she has a new romantic interest, her boss at her college coffee shop, Arjun Kapoor. There is some back and forth before they get together, he briefly dates Sonam instead of her, but then they admit their feelings. Just as Varun reappears! He went to school overseas for a while, but now he is back. He and Alia are still friends, he knows the biggest secret in her life and is her oldest friend in the world. Arjun is uncomfortable, but Alia tells him to deal with it. Finally, Arjun proposes. Alia says yes, wedding is planned. But, on the day of the wedding, she gets literal cold feet and in order to cure them needs to prove to herself that she and Arjun are soulmates. But, when she casts a spell, she finds out they aren’t quite. She runs out from the wedding, to find Varun waiting, and rides off with him.
Oh and naturally all along there are lots of magically infused item song type things. Including at least one where the characters travel through all the history of Indian film.
If I make this movie, will anyone watch it or care? And is there better casting available, especially for the aunts?
Amitabh in a Science Fiction movie
This is just because it occurs to me that science fiction isn’t really something that has been done well, and also that Amitabh would be GREAT to bring realism and depth to ridiculous fake science.
Let’s say, aliens!!!! Amitabh is a wise old distracted professor type. Akshay Kumar is a farmer in the Punjab who finds a mysterious artifact. He takes it into town, no one knows what it is. His wife Juhi Chawla sees a thing on TV with Amitabh being fired from his university for claiming aliens are real and living among us, so he tracks down Amitabh.
(I know Akshay has already done a farmer-alien movie, but this would be a GOOD one)
The two of them slowly uncover an elaborate cross-planetary battle between “good” aliens and “bad” aliens in which the Punjab is the latest battleground. The “good” aliens are lead by Hrithik (no one human looks like that, it would explain so much!). The “bad” aliens are lead by Aishwarya (no one human looks like that either). The noble villagers/farmers help the “good” aliens because they trust Akshay and Amitabh. Along the way, Amitabh provides wise kindly life advice to Akshay that helps him improve his marriage with Juhi and increase the profits on his farm.
Or should Amitabh and Hema be the farm couple while Akshay is the scientist?
Okay, which if any of these should we make? I’ll put this another way, if you CAN’T make the SRK-Juhi one, which one would you make?