3 random disconnected posts, one that is just to assuage my guilt for always being mean to Akshay, the other that came up in the comments from Karthik (congrats Karthik! Your first fanfic suggestion!), and the 3rd was something I said as a joke in the TGIF post but now I kind of want to do it for real.
I don’t know how this happened, but in basically every fanfic I write, Akshay ends up being the worthy opponent who, ultimately, does not get the girl. So I thought I would make up for that and let him actually win one this week.
Akshay Wins Through Nobility and Maturity:
Akshay is a young businessman type, shaggy hair and glasses and baggy 90s suit. A new shy girl, Raveena Tandon, comes to the office looking for a job. She is unqualified, can’t even type, but when Akshay tells her she didn’t get the job, she bursts into tears in his office, he takes pity on her and hires her to be his receptionist and promises to train her. Many cute scenes of him leaning over her shoulders and teaching her stuff. Also, she trips and twists her ankle at some point and he has to swoop her up in his arms and carry her around for a bit. And she is harassed by lowlifes while leaving the office and he has to beat them all up, after loosening his tie.
(Who wouldn’t love him?)
BUT!!! After all of this, when Akshay has shyly admitted to his mother that he has caught feelings for someone and gotten her permission to propose, he comes to work the next day and Raveena HANDS HIM A WEDDING CARD!!!!
See, she has been engaged this whole time to her college boyfriend, Saif. Who she proudly introduces Akshay too. And now, finally, they are getting married. Saif offers to take them out to lunch to celebrate, and thank Akshay for “taking care of Raveena for me”. But he turns out to be a cad. Once Raveena leaves, Saif claims he has lost his wallet, would Akshay be able to pick up lunch, just this once?
It keeps getting worse and worse. Saif comes by the next day, asks to speak to Akshay, suggests a raise for Raveena, now that she will have a husband to support. Raveena is crying because she can’t have the wedding she dreamed of, Akshay offers to give her an “advance” to help pay for it. Finally, it comes to a head when Saif demands a straight up dowry from Akshay, and when Akshay is shocked and refuses to pay, Saif implies that Akshay has been getting “services” from Raveena for the past few weeks, “services” that were really Saif’s to demand as her husband, and so Akshay “owes” Saif. At this point, Akshay has had enough and beats him up. Which Raveena sees, and promptly quits after yelling at Akshay, and of course Akshay has to silently take it with his shirt all torn off but the tie and glasses still on, because he can’t bring himself to repeat what Saif said. Raveena comforts Saif and takes him away, while Akshay just sadly looks on, shirtless but still betied.
(Like this, but with suit pants, a tie, and real glasses. So, a lot better)
And then sadly gets slightly drunk, goes home to his mother who doesn’t know how to comfort him, sadly goes to his empty office the next day, etc. etc. Until, weeks later, he can’t stop himself from driving by the wedding venue. Everything looks beautiful, just like Raveena dreamed. The bride gets out of the car, all veiled, Akshay starts to walk away when suddenly a friend/business acquaintance calls him over. And invites him to join the wedding, his sister is getting married! To Saif! After they paid Saif a huge dowry!!!! Akshay is FURIOUS!!! He storms into the room where Saif is getting ready and throws him against the wall (lots of homo-erotic tension here). And demands to know what happened. Saif, in his weak and cowardly way, slumps against Akshay’s chest as he confesses All. He and Raveena had a huge fight, he was badmouthing Akshay and she wouldn’t stand for it, said that she quit her job for him but she wouldn’t have the most honorable man she had ever met be criticized in front of her. Saif admitted that he asked for money from Akshay, Raveena was furious and broke the engagement, throwing the ring back in his face.
Akshay rushes off to try to find Raveena, but no luck! Her neighbor tells him she has left town. He looks and looks until one day he is in a dance bar, forced their by a business acquaintance against his will, when he looks on stage, and there’s Raveena! Awkwardly trying to dance! He watches, stunned, until just as the song number ends, someone gets on stage with her and tries to misbehave. Akshay leaps on stage to save her, Big Fight Scene!!! Ending with Akshay getting knocked out. Only to wake up outside, on the curb, in her lap, to find her raining kisses down on him and telling him he is the most wonderful man in the world and she doesn’t deserve him to fight for her and she was a fool not to see it sooner, she fell in love with him long ago but thought she had to be loyal to Saif, etc. etc.
See? Finally, Akshay gets the girl!!!!
Should it be Raveena? I like her with him, but I could also be convinced for Shilpa or Juhi (since we are talking 90s, it can’t be Twinkle). Obviously, it HAS to be Saif!
Mrs. Robinson in India with Shahrukh
Karthik pointed out that there are few older women/younger man romances. And just now I thought of one obvious glaring exception, Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi!
Anyway, ignoring that one, let me see what I can come up with. I intended this to be fun and silly, but somehow it turned arty and intense. Oh well, if you want the fun and silly version, check out my Golden Girls Fanfic
I’m not going to make you go Shahrukh-less this week, so let’s stay in the 90s with little baby face SRK. And for our Mrs. Robertson…..MIND EXPLODES WITH OPTIONS! Let’s keep it simple and say Dimple.
(Which reminds me, here’s another already made Mrs. Robertson style option!)
Well, let’s see, what would be reasonable? How about, our hero Shahrukh is a fresh faced lad just hired at a company in Bombay. He is given the apartment of the co-worker who is leaving, is told he is lucky to have a whole room to himself, even if there isn’t much of a view, it just looks out into the wall of other apartments, but at least there is only one window that can really look back into his apartment. Later that day, Shahrukh has freshly washed and is walking in his apartment in a towel. He glances out the window and sees directly opposite, a middle-aged housewife type in a sari and Sindoor looking back at him, clearly looking at his body. Shahrukh is embarrassed, ducks away.
(Maya Memsaab! There’s another one)
In the other apartment, our housewife is called on to serve food to her graceless husband (let’s say Farookh Sheikh, he seems like the kind of actor who would be willing to play this sort of role). He eats without looking at her, and burps loudly. She looks away, and back in the kitchen, looks towards the curtains of the house opposite, clearly thinking of Shahrukh and the little glimpse she got.
The next day, Dimple is getting out of the shower in her apartment, walking through the living room to the bedroom, when she glances at the kitchen doorway, hesitates, and finally slow enters it and moves towards the window. She looks across and sees the back of Shahrukh’s head, facing away from the window. This gives her the bravery to step closer, and the camera sees from the back as she drops her towel. Shahrukh turns suddenly, sees her, is struck dumb. One long moment, and then she folds the towel back around herself and walks away.
Later, Shahrukh is introduced to his new trainer/boss at work, Farooq Sheikh. Who asks him to run home and pick up papers he left there, he has already phoned his wife and she is expecting him, gives his address. Shahrukh does not recognize it, because of how the apartment building twists in on itself, and is stunned when Dimple opens the door. She silently moves into the apartment while he stands in the doorway to get the papers. He can’t stop himself from following her with his eyes . She hands him the papers, but as he turns to leave, she suddenly reaches out and embraces him, then shoves him away out the door. Shahrukh falls down the stairs in shock, then picks himself up and stumbles back to the office.
(Just thought of another one! Doosra Aadmi)
Some days later, there is a big corporate event, the groundbreaking for a new factory lets say. Dimple is there, looking gorgeous in an appropriate sari. Shahrukh is there as well trying not to meet her eyes. By the end of the evening, Farooq is drunk and loud and doesn’t want to leave, but Dimple walks over to the door, clearly ready to leave. Farooq finally orders Shahrukh to take her home, he will be spending the night drinking here.
Alone in the car, they don’t say anything, but their eyes keep meeting in the rear view mirror. Dimple gets out first and silently waits on the sidewalk until finally Shahrukh gets out too and follows her in. She goes up the stairs, he follows, they get to the apartment, she opens the door and stands waiting for him until he comes in. She pours a drink, takes it in one gulp, then pours into the same glass and hands it to him. He hesitates a moment, then drinks as well. With Shahrukh watching her, Dimple slowly takes off her jewelry, let’s down her hair and shakes it out, and finally undoes the pins to lower her sari pullu. Half undressed, she turns and walks towards the bedroom, then looks back, clearly inviting Shahrukh. He hesitates, then slowly follows. In the bedroom, she turns to him, pulls off her mangalsutra, and tosses it to him. He catches it by reflex. She flicks her eyes to the bureau next to him, he sets it down there, and then comes towards her as she sits and then slowly lays back on the bed.
Some time later at the office, Farooq comes in all flustered because there has been a last minute change, he has to travel to a conference for two weeks. Shahrukh gets suddenly flustered as well and asks if his wife will be going with him. Farooq is confused by the question, no, of course not! This is his time.
The next morning, Farooq is rustling around the apartment ordering Dimple around while she silently packs for him, finally handing him his suitcase as he walks out the door. And then she gets out a second suitcase and calmly starts packing it with clothes, kitchen equipment, books, but leaving all her jewelry behind. That night, Shahrukh comes back from the office to find Dimple sitting on the floor next to her suitcase outside his door. He unlocks it, she comes inside, opens the suitcase, takes out the cooking equipment, books, etc. He silently opens his cupboard, she puts her clothes inside.
Sex song! Dimple consistently takes the lead, grabbing Shahrukh and pulling him back to bed when he tries to leave in the morning, waking him up in the middle of the night, stopping in the middle of dinner to walk over and sit in his lap, etc. But there is also indications of real feelings, he helps her make dinner every night instead of just watching her work, she washes his clothes while he is at work and puts them away again for him, sometimes they just play cards in bed. But they never talk, not a single word.
(Way better than this relationship. Although also a older woman younger man lots of sex thing)
Finally, Farooq shows up at the office. He came there first before going home, he’s going to put in a full day of work. Shahrukh looks obviously nervous the whole time, tries to come up with excuses to leave but Farooq won’t let him, finally he rushes home, spending the extra money for a rickshaw which gets caught in traffic, he runs the last bit of the way. He rushes back to his apartment to find Dimple still there, on the floor washing his clothes in a bucket. He bursts out talking to her for the first time, telling her that her husband is back, he will miss her at home, Shahrukh doesn’t know what to do, should they run away? He has a family place in the country, they can stay there, Farooq will never find her. Dimple listens to all of this without speaking, and then stands up and starts walking down the stairs and back to her apartment. Shahrukh follows her the whole way, begging her to stay with him, not to go back.
The get to the door just as Farooq arrives. He is surprised to see Dimple out of the house, asks what she is doing, then sees Shahrukh, asks what he is doing. Shahrukh starts to answer, then stops, and looks to Dimple to take the lead. Farooq looks at Dimple too. Dimple pushes open the door and goes back inside, both men follow her, Shahrukh silent, Farooq talking increasingly loudly. Dimple slowly walks through the entire apartment, letting her fingers drift over the furniture and the walls, then goes into the bedroom, picks up the Mangalsutra from where she left it on the dresser, and hands it to Farooq. And turns to Shahrukh and says her first dialogue of the film, “Let’s Go”.
Young inexperienced man: Baby Shahrukh, or baby Saif? Or Baby Ajay or Baby Akshay? Baby Aamir? Baby Salman?
Older Experienced Woman: Shabana Azmi, Rekha? Amrita Singh? Hema Malini? Zeenat Aman? Farida Jalal? Deepti Naval? Can I be cheeky and say Jaya Bachchan?
Horrible Husband: Can I be really cheeky and say Amitabh opposite Jaya? Or, Rishi opposite Dimple? Rishi opposite Neetu?
BIG QUESTION: Is this the best ending? Or should it be the heroine walking away from both men having gained her identity and power back through her Shahrukh liaison? Or, alternatively, going back to Farooq who just rolls his eyes and says “again” and then explains to Shahrukh that he is the 5th young man she has seduced?
101 Dalmatians Male Body Hair Type Plot
Mostly I just want to see if I can actually manage to write this. I’m thinking, kind of 60s spy thriller thing. We see a helpless young man in the gym, his sculpted trainer (let’s say Hrithik) is trying to body shame him for having body hair, tells him to go to the in gym waxing studio. The man (let’s say Akshay) is seemingly convinced and goes to the waxer. Where a cruel woman who seems to enjoy (let’s say Bips) his pain rips all the hair off his body. Then we, the audience, see the used wax strips drop into the a secret compartment. They are whisked away through pneumatic tubes to a secret lair where sculpted gym body types are collecting them all. Supervising them is John Abraham. Who then goes and reports to their chief, Akshaye Khanna (I just love watching him play a villain) that they have acquired some exciting new product, very powerful. Akshaye chuckles and then monologues his whole plan to the camera. They have discovered that body hair is the source of strength and brain power and independence for the Indian man. By removing it and collecting it and putting it in their huge processing machine, then distributing it back through gym drinks, they can slowly take control of all Indian manhood.
Meanwhile, Akshay is also reporting back to his office. He is part of a secret agency against threats to India. The head scientist (Dharmendra) has discovered something in the gym drinks, and Akshay was part of elite special body hair team. Made up of himself, Madhavan, Suniel Shetty, Anil Kapoor, and Sunny Deol as the head. With Sanjay Dutt as their secret rebel contractor. Before anything else, they put Akshay in the special growth booth in order to restore himself after having been harvested.
(Suniel, proving his qualifications for membership)
They meet to go over the evidence, determine that Bips is the weak link. John Abraham has seduced her to the dark side, but Madhavan might be able to win her back. Madhavan casually saves her from a biker gang while she is on her way home from work that night, then takes her home on the back of his own massive motorcycle. They fall in love. There is both a love song and a club song.
Bips finally confesses to him that she is part of something dangerous and doesn’t know how to get out of it. Madhavan says that he can help. Bips is brought to the secret headquarters of the Hair Squad to tell all she knows. Madhavan kisses her passionately and then takes off with the rest of the team.
At the no-Hair headquarters, there is a massive hand to hand fight between the no-hairs and the hairs. Akshay versus Hrithik, Madhavan versus John Abraham, Suniel Shetty versus Siddharth Malhotra, Anil Kapoor versus Ranveer Kapoor, Sunny Deol versus everyone else single-handedly. Meanwhile, Sanjay is sneaking through the ducts, in order to confront Akshaye Khanna. After first defeating Akshaye’s bodyguards, Ranbir Kapoor and Varun Dhawan. Finally it is just the two of them, Akshaye laughs that Sanjay is a government man, he won’t be able to just kill him. Sanjay laughs back and says “maybe someone with no hair on his chest would obey those rules, but I have no use for the government!” and then kills him by embracing him and suffocating him against his bare hairy chest.
Happy ending, we jump ahead 6 weeks to Bips and Madhavan’s wedding, where Maddy and the rest of the squad (including Dharmendra in a fun cameo) dance shirtless for her.
So, as always, the big question is, WHICH ONE DO WE MAKE? Do you vote for Akshay with a happy ending? Or Shahrukh in an intense silent boundary breaking romance? Or Spy vs Spy with Hair vs No-Hair?