This is partly based on a joking back and forth I had with my friend, partly based on a news story Asmita linked to in the comments, and partly based on everyone’s least favorite “actress”, Shraddha Kapoor.

Margaret is Caught in a Love Triangle with Kanan Gill

A couple days back I was talking about this and that with my closest (NOT BEST) friend and suddenly realized that, through her girlfriend who works for a local comedy club, I could, in theory, meet Kanan Gill.  Who of course I am in love with, as are all right thinking people.  And then my friend and I kept going back and forth about it and it turned into a whole story.

(Kanan Gill!  So funny and cute)

So, here’s the plot of my little rom-com.  My Friend (MF) gets her girlfriend (My Friend’s Girlfriend-MFG) to schedule Kanan Gill, because I am in love with him.  But when we go to see his show and are about to be introduced, I suddenly get cold feet because I am all proper and sharam-like.  MF, who is not proper, goes over to talk to him saying “my friend really likes you.  She would like to go out with you” etc. etc.  Kanan Gill thinks this is a clever come on agrees to go out with the “friend”, thinking it is actually a date with MF, not with Me.

I am nervous about the potential date, MF and MFG agree to go with me to meet Kanan.  There is a slight misunderstanding, and Kanan thinks that MF is me, and I am MF and in a relationship with MFG.  I beg MF to go along with it, saying that there is no harm to it, and eventually after I feel more comfortable, I will tell him the truth.

(yes, this is almost exactly the plot of Mujshe Dosti Karoge.  But it is such a good plot!)

Time passes and Kanan Gill is increasingly torn between us two, me the traditional “homely” type with hidden depths, and MF, the fun sexy wild one.  Meanwhile, MF is hiding all of this from her girlfriend which puts a strain on their relationship. After the first few “dates”, I tell her that I don’t like Kanan after all because he is too wild for me, but she keeps seeing him to spite her girlfriend, and drags me along as a chaperone so it doesn’t go too far because she still does love MFG.  During these odd threesome dates, when we are alone, Kanan meanwhile begins to have “moments” with me, but feels guilty about it because he thinks I am already in a relationship with MFG plus he is supposed to be dating MF if he is dating anyone.  And I get over my initial disinterest but haven’t had a chance to tell MF yet about my change of heart.  Just as Kanan and I are starting to fall in love and I am preparing to tell him the truth, MF and MFG break up!!!!  MF, heartbroken, decides she is in love with Kanan after all.  And, in a final misunderstanding when he is saying he has found someone he could marry here in America (talking about me), MF thinks he is proposing and accepts!!!!!  Kanan, thinking I am in a relationship, decides he might as well go along with this and marry MF as second choice.

MF happily tells me about the engagement, saying that she knows I don’t like Kanan, but she is so grateful to me for helping them get together and so on and so on.  I, of course, can’t say anything and also doubt myself, not sure if I read Kanan’s signals’ correctly or what.  Oh, and MF asks me to go to India with her to meet Kanan’s family and help organize the wedding.

(Yes, this has now become Cocktail)

Second half!  In India, Kanan falls ever more deeply in love with me.  His family assumes I am the bride, because I am so sweet and modest.  I am more interested in the wedding planning than MF (least realistic part of this whole made up story, in real life MF is ALL ABOUT planning her wedding) and Kanan and I go around delivering wedding cards together and stuff and become closer and closer without speaking our love, because we are both noble like that.  At some point, MFG sends MF a break-up box and MF says it is mine, and it comes out that “I” have broken up with MFG.  Kanan is now even more conflicted, knowing that I, the better choice, am now free and available and yet he is engaged to MF, the inferior choice.

It all comes to a head the day of the engagement, Kanan and I almost admit our feelings for each other, but hold back.  Then while he is sadly preparing to marry the less-good not-Margaret option, MFG shows up!  She has flown to India to make an impassioned plea and re-affirm her love!  MF runs to embrace her and says she loves her too!!!!!  Kanan’s father is embarrassed, Kanan suggests since all these people are here to see an engagement, why not get engaged to me instead of MF?

(Yes, it is now Mere Brother Ki Dulhan)

In a funny tag, later that night, the 4 of us are hanging out together and Kanan says something and it comes up that he still thinks that I was dating MFG, but MFG was secretly in love with MF that whole time, and MF was the single woman with the crush on him.  We decide not to try to explain and let him just think that from now on.

Brilliant plot, right?  Now, the only question is if we should put it into action in real life……

 

Teenagers Accidentally Have a Plural Marriage

Asmita mentioned in the comments a video that has been making the rounds, to teenagers got married, and then the wife visited her cousin and ended up inviting the cousin to marry her husband too so they could all live together and be happy.  It wasn’t done in the sort of formal thoughtful way that plural marriages usually are, it was just 3 kids who didn’t fully understand what they were proposing and were surprised when everyone got upset.  And now I really want to turn this into a movie!

Here’s the video, let me know if I missed something important from it.  But mostly I just liked how young and silly and happy the three of them look.  That’s the vibe I want to keep!

 

So, here’s my plot idea. Alia Bhatt and Mehrene Kaur Pirzada (from Phillauri) are best friends and grew up together.  They live in a tiny little village in the middle of nowhere.  Alia’s family is slightly more progressive than Mehrene’s, they sent Alia to school until she was 12 and she came home and taught Mehrene what she learned.  Alia is allowed to go to the village festivals and things even as a young woman, and brings back treats and presents for Mehrene who is kept at home now that she is “mature”.  And then one day, while in the village, Alia meets a young man (Rajkummar Rao) whose motorcycle has broken down.  He has just finished college (Indian college, so he is only 19 or 20) and is traveling by himself by motorcycle around India. He falls in love with Alia at first sight and follows her through the village, finally shyly admitting his feelings.  Alia isn’t sure how she feels about him, so she takes him home to meet Mehrene.  Mehrene puts him through a series of questions like “do you sleep with one blanket or two?” and “do you like laddoo or Halwa better?” and finally determines that Rajkummar would be a good husband for her, because he won’t hog the blankets and will let her have all the dessert.  So Mehrene orders Alia to be in love with him too, and that they should go walk through the fields together, because it is what couples in love do, at least in the movies Alia has told her about.  Alia and Rajkummar go off and have a sweet very innocent love song, in which they enjoy skipping stones together, and running races, and climbing trees, and generally being more like two children playing than anything else.  Ending with Rajkummar giving Alia a little peck on the cheek and her running off in embarrassment, while he looks ashamed of himself for being so forward.

(I think she can pull off sheltered village girl, right?)

That night, while Mehrene is visiting the house, Alia’s father starts talking about her marriage.  There is a wealthy widowed farmer who expressed interest, he doesn’t mind that she is educated, it would be a good match for her.  Alia is distressed but doesn’t know what to say, until finally Mehrene speaks up for her and says that Alia doesn’t need a groom, she already has one.  Her father is furious!!!!  But Mehrene stays strong and keeps talking, Explaining that he is a good boy, from the city, and they love each other, and it would make Alia happy, and her father should at least meet with him.   Doesn’t he want his daughter to be happy?  Thanks to Mehrene’s interference, Rajkummar comes over the next day to plead his case, and wins over Alia’s father by saying he doesn’t want dowry and just generally being a nice young man.  Cut to the wedding!  Mehrene and her family are attending, Rajkummar and Alia look shy and happy, and in the background we see Mehrene’s family meeting with another family, clearly beginning arrangements for her marriage while Mehrene looks stressed.

Alia and Rajkummar ride off on his motorcycle and continue his tour of India.  Their honeymoon is wonderful, Alia sees new places and tries new things, and Rajkummar is delighted to show her everything.  And we also see that they aren’t really married-married yet.  They are both shyly excited just by having their shoulders brush against each other in a dark theater.  At night, they happily sleep on separate sides of the bed.  But it doesn’t matter, because they are having a wonderful time.

(Kind of like this.  Never really sure if Aamir and Juhi went beyond kissing, or even knew that there was something beyond kissing.  What are your thoughts?  Discuss in the comments!)

Before returning to Rajkummar’s home, Alia suddenly gets cold feet about going to the big city and asks if she can visit home just once more, just to see Mehrene. They take the motorcycle up through the fields and come to the secret place where Mehrene used to always meet them.  Alia sees her from a distance, recognizes her figure, and runs to her.  Only for Mehrene to stand up out of the grass and reveal she is all in white, a widow!!!!!  Alia is stunned!  Demands to know what happened.  Mehrene explains that Alia and Rajkummar were so happy, she didn’t want to upset them, but she knew her wedding would happen soon after Alia’s.  She was married off to an older farmer who was not unkind, but his family didn’t like her.  He died suddenly in an accident in the field, and his mother blamed her and it became even worse at the home. Alia notices that Mehrene has burns all over her hands and pushes her clothes back to reveal they go all the way up her arm.  She demands to know why Mehrene put up with this, and Mehrene says she tried to run away, but no one would help her.  Her father sent her back to live with her husband’s family, so did the old village schoolteacher and everyone else she went to for help.  As Mehrene is explaining this, suddenly the three of them are caught!  One of the men of the village sees them and yells that Mehrene should not be outside, she should go back to her home.  Alia, incensed, stands up and declares that Mehrene can do whatever she wants, she’s a married woman.  The man argues back that Mehrene isn’t married, she is a widow, Alia suddenly finds herself declaring that Mehrene IS married!  She is married to a man who will respect and care for her, Rajkummar!  And then she grabs his hand and forces him to give Mehrene a blessing while everyone watches in horror.  Cut to, the 3 of them leaving the village on the same motorcycle with Mehrene still in her widow’s outfit (I know it’s ridiculous, but I love the idea of this image).

They all arrive at Rajkummar’s home, in a larger town that has a college and a hospital and a movie theater but is still a bit rural, everyone is looking at the three of them on the bike, but Rajkummar is so happy to be showing them his hometown, and the girls are so interested in what he is saying, that none of them even notice the looks.  They reach Rajkummar’s house, and are greeted by Rekha, who comes rushing out, thrilled to see them and blesses Rajkummar.  And then asks to meet his bride, and he gestures for both girls to come forward, and she looks very confused.  But Alia takes the lead and bends down to touch her feet, and Mehrene does too, and Rekha is kind of forced into completing all the rituals, with both girls doing them, Rajkummar looking happy and proud, and Rekha looking distressed and confused.  That night, the two girls happily go off to bed together and Rekha asks to speak with Rajkummar.  And it comes out in the conversation that Rajkummar is an orphan and an only child, Rekha is his only family, the old nanny of his household.  And she is worried about him bringing home two wives and what people will say.  Rajkummar is confused and doesn’t even understand what she is saying.  She was always so lonely at home, now she will have not one but two women to keep her company!  And he always wanted a family, now he has such a large one already.  And they don’t need to worry about what people will say, they don’t need any other people, their family is complete.  The farmers can come to pay their rent once a month like usual, that is all they need.  And then Rajkummar goes off to join the girls in the bedroom and they tease that because they got their first, they will get the bed that night, and he will have to sleep on the floor.

(If he can play a really really old man, surely he is a good enough actor to pull off innocent teenager)

Time moves on, of course the town does object to their set-up, starting with the priest refusing to come and bless Rajkummar’s marriage with Mehrene, only with Alia.  But Mehrene sweetly says it doesn’t matter, she is happy with Rekha’s blessing.  The farmers come to deliver rent and see the two women in the household (let’s make the farmer Pawesh Rawal, so he can do crazy double takes as he starts to realize what is happening).  The other leading landowners come and talk to Rajkummar trying to give him advice about how this is simply not done, not in their class, not in this century.  But the young people keep just refusing to see the problem.  Citing examples from Hindu scripture of plural marriage, pointing out how even in the families of the people objecting, just a few generations back, there was plural marriage.  Asking what is the harm, if Rajkummar can take care of two wives and both wives want him?

At the same time as all of this, Rajkummar and Alia take Mehrene to the local hospital/clinic to see a doctor about her injuries.  The doctor, Ayushmann Khurrana, examines her and gets more and more upset as he sees signs of longterm abuse.  Finally, he gently asks her to wait with his nurse and goes out to the hall and asks Rajkummar if he is Mehrene’s husband, he says yes, and Ayushmann punches him!!!!!  And then gives him a long speech about how she isn’t just a punching bag for him to use and she has a mind and a spirit of her own and so on and so forth.  Rajkummar doesn’t know what to say, but finally Alia comes up and drags Ayushmann off of him and slaps him and yells at him for hitting her husband.  Ayushmann is so thrown by the idea of two wives that he stops yelling and they are able to explain that Rajkummar has never even touched Mehrene, that he rescued her from her other family, and so on and so forth.

(He seems like someone who would be broadminded enough to handle this whole thing)

Ayushmann turns into their ally in the town.  He is educated and from outside, and able to see the bigger picture, that it is more important for Mehrene to be safe and happy than anything else, and so on.  He also, as a doctor, is the first one to realize that none of these three kids really understands sex.  Mehrene’s husband wasn’t interested in her, she thought marriage just meant massaging his legs and then going to sleep.  Rajkummar and Alia are completely happy just holding hands.  Rekha assumed that the three of them worked it out at some point on the honeymoon and doesn’t want to be involved.  And everyone else in town is assuming that Rajkummar is having wild threesomes but he is so innocent, he doesn’t even get their jokes.  So, Ayushmann sits Rajkummar down and gives him “the talk”.  It takes a while for him to understand, but finally, gently, Ayushmann leads him to the realization that he feels differently about Alia then Mehrene, he loves them both, but he only likes to hold hands in the movies with Alia.  And then, also very gently, Ayushmann offers him some sex ed pamphlets and sends him home.  That night, Rajkummar suggests that maybe Mehrene should sleep with Rekha instead of in their room.  Both girls are confused, but Mehrene agrees since Rajkummar says he has to talk to Alia about something.  And then once they are alone, he grabs her hand and kisses her.  She isn’t sure what is happening at first, but then likes it.  And it turns into a sweet honeymoon song, finally.

(Like this!)

After that, while the rest of the village may not understand, Rekha and the three young people and Ayushmann come to accept that Rajkummar and Alia are in love and Mehrene is there as their beloved sister-wife/wife, but it’s not quite the same.  This is all fine, and there is a happy song of all three of them living with this situation quite contentedly, Rajkummar buys them both the same presents and takes them both to the movies and they both fast for him at Karwa Chauth and it is all wonderful.  And at night, Rajkummar and Alia go off to their bedroom and Mehrene happy sleeps in with Rekha.

The problem comes up when Alia gets pregnant and Mehrene wonders why she isn’t pregnant too.  Alia and Rajkummar can’t explain it to her, so she goes off to ask Ayushmann at his clinic.  Ayushmann tries to explain it to her clinically, but can see she is just getting more confused, so he offers to take her out for chai and a walk.  He starts by asking her about when Alia and Rajkummar first met and slowly leads her to understanding that they like to touch each other and be together.  And then explains that there is a way for people to be together very very closely, that’s like kissing.  And when they are close like that, sometimes they can make a baby.  Mehrene is intrigued by this whole idea, not scared, and asks if she can have a baby.  Ayushmann asks if she wants to be close to Rajkummar like that, and Mehrene is sad because she doesn’t, so she can’t have a baby.  Unless another men could be close to her!  Like Ayushmann!  He could give her a baby!  Ayushmann is, of course, embarrassed and spits out his chai and tries to get out of it, but Mehrene has the idea in her head now.  She keeps pestering him, waiting outside his clinic, arguing that he can’t know whether or not he likes to be close to her if they never even tried. Finally, just to shut her up while they are alone in his office, he kisses her.  And they are both surprised, because they really did like how that felt. Mehrene starts dreaming of Ayushmann while she is in bed at night, and coming up with excuses to go see him at the clinic, and Ayushmann can’t resist secretly taking her hand and all until finally the rest of the family catches them kissing by the gate after Ayushmann has come for dinner one night.

Rekha is furious and slaps Mehrene and throws Ayushmann out.  There is a huge to-do, Rekha declares she is being unfaithful to Rajkummar, Mehrene argues that she can’t be faithful if he has never even kissed her, Alia orders Rajkummar to kiss her so she won’t have to look outside of the household, Rajkummar does it, Alia bursts into tears and slaps Rajkummar and then runs off into their bedroom, everything is horrible.

The next morning, after a sleepless teary night, they wake up to find Mehrene gone.  She left a letter, awkwardly written since she is only semi-literate, apologizing for everything and saying she doesn’t deserve to live with them any more.  Everyone immediately feels horrible and rushes off to look for her.  They find her at the bus stop and insist on taking her home.  And they all say how much they love her and want her to live with them, Alia wants her baby to have a second mother, Rajkummar wants his beloved second wife, Rekha needs her favorite daughter-in-law and so on.  Mehrene accepts all this and seems happy, but that night Rekha hears her crying in bed with her.

(I don’t know why this wasn’t the happy ending for CCCC.  It’s the obvious answer!  Let Preity have twins, and stay with Salman and Rani, and she and Rani can be joint mothers or each get their own twin, whatever works)

The next day, at his clinic, Ayushmann is surprised to see Alia and Rajkummar waiting for him.  He starts to apologize, but they stop him and say that they are there as Mehrene’s family, to bring him a proposal.  But it has to be a very special kind of proposal, because Mehrene is such a special bride.  He has to marry her, and move into their household, they can’t let her go.  If Rajkummar can have two wives, then can’t Mehrene have two husbands?

So that’s what they do.  Ayushmann moves in, and we see a reprise of the happy song, this time Mehrene making special matching outfits for both her husbands, fasting and taking a blessing from both of them on Karva Chauth, and finally two babies being born and brought up, one with two mothers and one with two fathers.

 

 

Shraddha Kapoor is a Secret Accountant

I just really really hope this is true.  Shraddha, in a happy girlish intro song, is happily playing with her calculators and paper pencil.  But then, sadly, she is called by her father Shakti Kapoor to go be serious and act.  Miserable and depressed, she drags herself to the studio and forces herself to go through the motions of acting.  As soon as the shoot is over, while pretending to read her script, she studies accounting worksheets.

Then, excitement!  Her sympathetic friend Varun Dhawan invites her for a party, Karan Johar will be there and all sorts of other famous industry figures.  Shraddha is not interest.  But also, the young CFO of Dharma productions!  Shraddha is thrilled!  As Varun knew she would be.  Shraddha gets dressed quickly and throws her accounting textbooks and calculator into her bag, lying to her father that it is the latest fashion to carry huge bags with evening gowns (humorously, the paparazzi get a photo of her with the bag and it actually does start a fashion trend).  At the party, she ignores all the handsome young actors and powerful producers, anxiously looking for the shy young man in the corner, and then almost fainting with nervousness and excitement when the are introduced.  He is kind and encouraging, agrees to look at her accounting worksheets, and tells her she shows a lot of promise, but she will have to find the time to practice.  A shadow crosses her face, because of course she cannot pursue her true passion of accounting, since she is being cruelly forced into acting.

Varun takes her home and Shraddha talks about how wonderful the CFO was and Varun teases her about having a crush.  Shraddha denies it and says it is only that she is so in love with accounting. If only she didn’t have to waste so much time acting!  Varun suggests that, perhaps, what she should do is just act really really badly.  That way, people will stop hiring her.

(Varun is such a good friend.  And this would explain so much!)

For years, Shraddha follows this plan, acting as terribly as possible and then rushing home to work on her workbooks.  Unfortunately, it just doesn’t seem to work.  For some unknown reason, perhaps her own bad luck, people keep hiring her!

It all comes to a head when she meets the CFO again.  He pops into a meeting she is having with Karan Johar and she is all “You!  You’re here!” and heart aflutter and so on.  He reveals her secret desires to Karan, without meaning to, and Karan gently tells her that if her heart lies with accounting, she should not try to act.  And then he sends the young people out for coffee together so Shraddha and the CFO can renew their acquaintance.  They talk over coffee, and he offers Shraddha a spot in his training program.  Karan helps, by pretending Shraddha is coming to Dharma for script meetings.  Shraddha has a happy time passing song, spends all day with numbers and flirting with the CFO.  But then, tragedy!  Shakti finds her worksheets in her room!  He yells at her that accounting is just a dream, there is no future in it, she needs to be practical and focus on being a movie star.  Shraddha, heartbroken, yells at him that he has forgotten what it was like to be young!  She knows he used to dream of being a bank clerk, but his family forced him into the movie industry.  Don’t let her dreams die the same way!

Shraddha rushes out, miserable, and ends up at the Dharma offices, the only place she has ever felt really happy.  The CFO finds her there, she is sobbing, saying she wishes she had a place to go, a way to get away from her father and his expectations, the CFO shyly suggests they get married.  Just so she can move out.  He has a nice big flat, they could share it.  Shraddha is so grateful she embraces him, and somehow they end up kissing.  Cut to, happy ending!  Wedding!  Karan Johar is hosting everything, Shakti is there reluctantly giving his blessing, Shraddha is radiant and swears she will never ever act again.

 

Now, most important question: Who should play the CFO?  Somehow I am thinking Arjun Kapoor.  Although Aditya could also work.

 

 

 

Final question!  As every week.  Which of these should be made into a film? 

 

Or, alternatively, if you had a magic wand which one would you make happen in reality?