Happy Sunday! Much later than usual. Because I am visiting my sister and I was busy learning how to crochet and stuff. Which brings me to this post! In honor of my sister industriously knitting away next to me, and our conversation on the TGIF post of the lack of nice handmade sweaters in the world, a knitting themed fanfic post!!!!
Sanjay and Salman Learn to Knit and Escape From Captivity
This one practically writes itself!!!! Salman, after a massive action sequence, is captured by Kashmiri separatists and thrown in a cave prison. Where, coming out from the Shadows, is longhaired and slightly crazy Sanjay. They used to be best friends, as we see in flashback. Happiness, hijinks, etc. Sanjay falls in love with and marries (with Salman’s help), beautiful Karisma Kapoor. But, then he is thought dead in an explosion! Salman, who previously was a frivolous playboy, decides to join the army in his honor. And also marries Karisma because she is all suicidal and thinks she has nothing to live for. That was 10 years ago, now Karisma and Salman have kids and are completely happy and so on and so on. But now Salman knows Sanjay is alive!!!! What to do?
(Yes, very similar to Chal Mere Bhai. Not Saajan, because I decide Karisma over Madhuri)
I know what you are thinking, “that is all interesting, but what about KNITTING????” See, the only thing they are allowed to do to stave off madness in their cave-jail is knit. And Salman flashes back to Karisma telling him about how she and her friends used to send messages to each other encoded in knitting. Salman and Sanjay learn how to knit and master a binary code that they can use to send messages. The captors take their beautiful scarves and sweaters out into greater Kashmir to sell to tourists in order to raise money for their fight (the little known connection between fiber arts and funding violence!). Meanwhile, Karisma, unable to face losing another husband, has come to Kashmir to look for Salman. She sees a scarf on a little girl and recognizes the message! She buys the scarf off of her and then rushes to the shop where it was purchased and quickly buys all the Salman and Sanjay-made scarves. And then takes them to the army commander (Sunny Deol) and explains what it means. He is grateful, but tells her it is now a secret mission and she can’t be involved. However, in order for Sunny to understand the code, he ALSO has to learn to knit! He tracks down a local Kashmiri widow who makes and sells knitting (Dimple) and has her teach him how to knit. There is much frustrated emotions involved, Dimple comforts him, they grow closer. Sunny finally learns how to knit and is able to understand the sweater-messages. He takes a sweater, and then purposefully damages it, returns it to the store and makes a big angry fuss. The separatists, angry at being yelled at, bring the sweater back to Sanjay and Salman and yell at them for their inferior knitting. However, Sunny had altered the sweater with a new message! Rescue is imminent!!!!
And then they are rescued (yes, someone is stabbed by knitting needles), Sanjay understands that Karisma has moved on, Sunny marries Dimple, they all retire from the army deciding that the better way to help Kashmiris is by giving them industries, and they come together to open a handmade sweater workship thing. And, one of their first buyers from a fancy European store, MADHURI DIXIT!!!! Who immediately starts a flirtation with Sanjay over the end credits tag, so we know he will have a happy ending too.
(I just love them together)
Prabhas and Anushka Shetty Fall in Love Over Knitting Needles
Prabhas, a westernized urban type, is in love with Taapsee, another westernized urban type. However, they fight because he makes fun of her knitting, saying it is a waste of time. She declares she won’t agree to marry him until he makes her a whole sweater by himself.
Coincidentally, while he is still trying to recover from this fight, his father Prakash Raj guilts him in to going to the ancestral village in order to visit his ill great-great-uncle (also Prakash Raj in make-up, double-role!). Prabhas is a nice guy, he goes and is polite to his great-uncle and tries to be nice about the weird food and no a/c and all that. However, Anushka Shetty, the distant relative young woman whose widowed mother helps take care of Prakash Raj, catches Prabhs making sour faces and hates him for not loving the village. And also because she thinks he is going to come in and try to move her family out of the house and take care of his great-uncle himself.
(Like Mr. Perfect, but with Anushka instead of Kajal)
Anushka sets him up for failure, sending him off across the fields knowing he will fall in a hole, asking for ingredients that are impossible to get from the local farm stand, etc. etc. Prabhas is furious! And figures out and gets evidence on her phone that it is her who set him up for all this. He threatens to tell his great-uncle, Anushka is upset because she doesn’t want her family to lose their place. So instead she offers to make it up to him, and he asks her to teach him how to knit.
They have to sneak around the terrace at knit, because he is embarrassed to be seen during the day doing something so girly, he gets frustrated, she soothes him, there are moments when he has to reach around her and hold her hands on the needles to see how to do it right, they get tangled together by escaping yarn and fall down, he has to measure for the sweater by using his hands to go around her hips, waist, and breasts, you know, all the many flirtatious romantic knitting possibilities. But, all along, she knows he is only doing this for his girlfriend and anyway, a big city guy like him would never be happy in their little village with a village girl like her.
He goes back to the city, sweater finished, and gives it to Taapsee. Who laughs in his face, because she is past the whole knitting thing, it’s a silly hobby, you can just buy stuff in stores!!!! And anyway, what intelligent person works with their hands? Prabhas, naturally, is infuriated!!!! He declares that knitting is harder than anything else he has ever done, more challenging than engineering, how dare she????? She gives him another ultimatum, that he has to apologize or they are through!!!! Prabhas says “like knitting, love should always have do overs. You may have to unravel and start fresh sometimes, but you never throw it out.” (wisdom that Anushka had previously taught him)
Back in the village, Anushka is surprised by a strange sound outside, and goes out to see Prabhas! With a bunch of sheep! He is going to open a yarn factory in the village, teach the villagers to raise sheep, and bring the joy of knitting to the whole world. And he needs her help to do it. Anushka is delighted, but asks if she is the right partner for him. He throws her the sweater he made, she tries it on, he says “perfect fit. It’s a sign.” They embrace.
And over the end credits, Anushka and Prabhas travel the world in a series of inventive sweaters in a final happy love song.
Sexy Shahrukh Sweater Story
Well, this is stumping me!!!! How the heck can I make a sexy story revolving around Shahrukh and sweaters? But I know there must be a way!!!! Hmmmm. Oh! I have it! Shahrukh-The Sweater Model.
We open with Shahrukh sad and forgotten and unnoticed. He has the kind of Rab Ne look, and in the first scene of the film, we see him buying groceries at the local Indian store in London. He and the guy behind the counter are chatting, Shahrukh explains that he is making a homecooked meal tonight to surprise his girlfriend, the store owner is surprised they aren’t married yet, Shahrukh says that she doesn’t want that, and he is just grateful a woman like her is even willing to date him (clearly he has deepseated self-esteem issues). He comes home with groceries only to find his girlfriend (Lisa Haydon) with bags packed. He asks what she is doing, she uncaringly explains that she is done with him, he is old and boring, and she was offered a modeling job in London and is taking it. Shahrukh tries to argue that he can change, he can do more, whatever she wants. Lisa is all “don’t you understand? You disgust me! You would disgust any woman! You are too short and your nose is too big and your chin is odd and your body is horrible! I don’t want you and no one will ever want you. I was only with you because you paid for my college tuition and it was a way to stay in Bombay. But now I am done with you! And I am taking all the jewelry you bought me, and the household money, you owe me that for forcing me to look at your disgusting face for the past 5 years!”
Shahrukh, broken, sits alone in the apartment after she has gone. He looks at himself in the mirror and then, in disgust, rips off his clothes to study his body. He touches his breasts, his stomach, his face, and then lets out a sob of frustration and turns away.
(Like this, shirtless but all fragile and tender and insecure about it)
The next day he calls in sick to work and then instead starts wandering the rainy city. He sees women everywhere and imagines them turning away from him, hating him (Sad Song). He finally takes shelter from the rain in a shop, which turns out to be a yarn shop. A woman (Kajol) is knitting behind the counter. She looks up when he enters and makes some comment about how they don’t get many men in there. He starts to leave, apologizing, and she stops him, saying he can help her, she is working on writing a pattern for a men’s sweater, but she doesn’t have the measurements right, and he looks “average”. Shahrukh sadly agrees that he is “average”. She asks him to take off his jacket and put on the sweater.
And suddenly he is handsome! He has to take off his glasses, it ruffles his hair when it goes on, and his body goes from looking skinny in the oversized dress shirt to perfectly proportioned within a sweater. Kajol is struck by him, and tells him how good he looks, he doesn’t believe her, but she swears it’s true and asks if she can take a picture to go with the sweater pattern on her website. Shahrukh sadly agrees, still not believing it.
Naturally, this picture becomes a viral sensation! Shahrukh finds out about it when he goes to work to see his co-workers gathered around a computer exclaiming, and recognizes himself in the photo! He is embarrassed and rushes to the knitting shop to yell at Kajol. Interrupting her knitting class (Fun Song, Lady Knitters chasing him around). Finally Kajol throws the randy lady knitters out and talks to Shahrukh seriously, telling him that she was contacted by yarn companies, major knitting pattern companies, even a specialized handmade sweater company. They all want him! Shahrukh is stunned, he could be a model? He doesn’t believe it. Kajol convinces him she is telling the truth. But he is shy, not sure he can handle the attention, wouldn’t know what to do. Kajol offers to go with him to help. Besides, the knitting pattern company has promised to work with her patterns if she helps deliver him. They can be a team! And she really needs this, she’s been trying to keep this shop going and her patterns can help with that, she has nothing else.
The first photo shoot goes poorly, Shahrukh is shy at first, reluctant to let them shave his mustache or gel his hair, but Kajol convinces him to trust them. And then during the shoot he has a hard time relaxing on camera. Until the photographer (Aish) comes to help. She explains that she used to model and tells him he has to make love to the camera. Look at it, and picture the woman he loves. Shahrukh explains that the woman he loves does not love him, that makes him feel ugly and unhappy. And then once he starts talking, admits to her that the woman he loves thinks he is disgusting, does not even want to touch him. Aish starts talking him up, tells him that he is handsome, sexy even. Shows him that she has no problem touching him, tells him he is good to the touch, his shoulders are strong (as she squeezes them). His chest is nice (she caresses it). His arms, his hands, and his face, all good (she lightly strokes them all).
Shahrukh is looking slightly turned on, and Aish says “That! Keep that look, think of something that makes you feel like that, while I go to the camera”. Shahrukh keeps the sexy look on his face, and looks past her, suddenly seeing Kajol in the background, smiling encouragement, and turns the sexy up as he looks at her.
The photoshoot goes live! Knitting magazines and blogs through out the length of breadth of England suddenly feature Shahrukh! In a whole variety of sweater poses. Kajol’s store sells out, they go out together with Shahrukh in “disguise” (in a jacket instead of a sweater) and enjoy the success. Shahrukh keeps looking at her all sexy when she isn’t looking because he is all in love now all of a sudden.
But then, complications! Shahrukh comes by Kajol’s store to take her out for lunch, she tells him she has received so many phone calls for him! All the major sweater companies want him to model for them, he can make some nice money off of it. He says something about her getting a percentage, she says no, she doesn’t need anything, now that her shop is back on its feet, she is happy. Shahrukh awkwardly hints around about maybe she should save money for a wedding, Kajol laughs and says “it would have to be an awfully good groom to take me away from my Raj! No, the two of us are happy together.” Shahrukh is suddenly sad and excuses himself. That night, we watch Kajol close up the shop, walk home, buy flowers and groceries, and go home to her little apartment, calling out “Raj! Raj, I’m home! I got us dinner!” And then she keeps talking about how Shahrukh came by the shop again, but he left suddenly. Probably just tired of wasting time talking to her, when he can be off with those models, even the photographers on the photoshoots are gorgeous, it was nice to have a friend for a while, but she shouldn’t have gotten her hopes up, better to just be happy with her knitting store and “you”. And as she finally finishes the speech, we see “Raj”, a big fat black and white cat. And Kajol puts food in his dish and sits down with a glass of wine and her own little meal on a plate and smiles sadly.
(Somehow, this is the exact cat I picture)
Meanwhile, success song montage! Shahrukh is getting job after job, tons of sweater photoshoots, with gorgeous young models crawling all over him. Aish is there too sometimes, and they kind of smile and chat together, like friends. And one day as he finishes a shoot with her, he looks over and sees Lisa Haydon standing there! She comes over to him and starts talking immediately, saying that she always knew he was special, isn’t it wonderful that they are working in the same industry now, it’s like it was meant to be. Shahrukh is looking more and more unhappy until finally Aish comes over to rescue him, grabs him by the arm and kisses his cheek and says “ready, darling?” Lisa is stunned! Aish turns and is all “oh, are you an old friend of MY BOYFRIEND?” Lisa fumbles away. After she leaves, Shahrukh immediately pulls his arm away and says “Thank you! I know that was hard for you, I hope your girlfriend won’t mind”. Aish smiles and says, “Not at all, Sayani loves you! See?” and she points across the room where Sayani Gupta is putting her camera equipment away, and cheerfully waves at them. Shahrukh waves back, Aish laughs, everything is fine.
(Sayani Gupta. Love her!)
But what they don’t know is that Lisa is meeting with an evil paparazz0! Telling him a whole tale of love and loss, how the top male model used her connections to get a break in the industry and has now moved on to a top photographer, probably planning to use and then throw her away too. Kajol sadly reads the story aloud to Raj, and then sets down the paper and tells him “well, that must be the woman who convinced him he was no good. And I guess Aish is the woman who has convinced him he is again. She seemed nice, I am happy for them.” Raj gives her a quizzical look. “No really! I am! I swear!!! Anyway, beautiful people should be with beautiful people.”
Shahrukh is having a hard time with this too. Aish tells him to ignore the story, but suddenly he no longer feels sexy, something is wrong. The photos are missing the certain something special. The young model opposite him (Alia) pulls him aside and offers “we could just have sex right now, would that work?” Shahrukh is all horrified “no! You are like a daughter to me! NO!” Well then, Alia asks, who does make you feel sexy. And Shahrukh sighs and says “the woman who doesn’t want me.” But he doesn’t realize that Sayani is assisting on this photoshoot too and has overheard it all! Sayani goes home and kisses Aish hello and then as they go around getting dinner together tells her that she overheard Shahrukh at the photoshoot today, he is sad, he says he doesn’t feel sexy any more and has lost the one woman who could do that. Could he mean that horrible Lisa Haydon. No! Aish knows just who he must have meant. Maybe she can fix this.
Aish goes to Kajol’s knit shop the next day. Kajol is immediately flustered and tries to hide behind the counter, but then knocks over a big basket and yarn goes flying everywhere, and Aish finds her scrabbling around on the floor. Kajol doesn’t know what to do and just starts to cry. Aish immediately comforts her, telling her it’s all right, don’t feel bad. And it all comes flowing out, Kajol talks about how she isn’t beautiful or special or anything like Aish, but she thought for a while maybe Shahrukh saw her that way, only of course he didn’t, of course he belongs with other beautiful people, not just her.
Aish listens to all of this and says “First, you are beautiful. You are very beautiful”. Kajol is all “you’re just saying that”. So Aish kisses her. And while Kajol is still trying to recover, she says “see? I’m not just saying it. And if Shahrukh ever told you that, he wasn’t just saying it either. He only left because he didn’t want to get in the way of you and Raj.” Kajol is confused, “in the way? Is he allergic?” Aish is all “huh?” Kajol keeps going, “If he is, I suppose I could try to find Raj a new home. My knitting women are always wanting to kiss him and stroke him when he comes to the store with me.” Now Aish is really “huh????” And finally Kajol says, “but did Shahrukh really think I would choose a cat over him?” And then Aish just laughs and laughs while Kajol is going “what? what?”
(Look what a cute threesome they are!)
Grand finale, Kajol is in her store, a few customers are around, and suddenly someone throws a ball of yarn, she turns to look, and then another ball, and another! All the customers are involved and throwing yarn, Kajol is tangled up in it in the center of a web, until Shahrukh walks in, and says “Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you would stay in one place while I talked, and I asked your customers to help me.” Kajol is confused, but Shahrukh smoothly keeps talking as he walks towards her “you gave me back my confidence, my sense of self, and something I had never had before, the feeling that I was beautiful. I don’t have much to offer you you in return, but I hope you will take what I have, my heart. He finally gets up to Kajol, she is looking all teary, he is looking all lip-wobbly, she hesitates, and then suddenly throws a ball of yarn around him and says “So you can’t escape either! And, surrounded by tangled yarn, they embrace, while the knitters applaud.
And, happy end credits! Shahrukh on photo shoots, then coming home to have Kajol measure sweaters for him and them to have dinner together, with Raj on the floor keeping them company.
Which, if any, of these should we make?
Should Kajol be our knitting store owner, or someone else?
Is it just me thinking about how great Prabhas’ long fingers would look while knitting?
Is it too sad for Sanjay to have been alone and knitting for 10 years in a cave? Should I make it 2 years?