So, Times of India is beating the drum for Bipasha’s marriage yet again. To which I say, Oh Bips! When will she find love! For being the sexiest woman in India, she sure does have the worst luck with men!
(for sexiest woman argument, see proof below)
So, the plot of Dilwale can either be seen as a triumphant homage to multiple past films of Shahrukh and Kajol’s careers. Or, it can be seen as part of an industry that is constantly recycling plots and abhors originality. I would argue it is a combination of the two, certainly the essential plot is a result of laziness, but it is still worth while to compare the way it interacts with past performances and films in order to discover how things have changed and how the stay the same.
So, the first weekend figures are out, and rediff.com has an analysis. Well, a lot of sites have an analysis, but I trust rediff the most.
The short answer is, Dilwale wins! But the long answer is more complex, and involves Salman Khan. Things that involve Salman are always complex.
So, if you happen to have obsessively listened to the Dilwale soundtrack on Saavn.com, you probably noticed that when you went to see it in the theaters, one of the songs was missing. And if you happened to have obsessively followed the filming news, you may have noticed that they filmed in Iceland (check!) and Bulgaria (check!) and Goa (check!), but also Hyderabad (no check!). So, where is the missing song and the missing Hyderabad sequence?
So, now that there is new SRKajol footage out there, in the world, the natural result is new SRKajol fanvids.
If you have already seen Dilwale, and are prevented by stupid things like work and family and holidays from seeing it again, these might serve to take the edge off a little. I like this one as a summary of the whole first half love story. No idea what the song is saying, but it sounds pretty!
This whole thing assumes you have already seen the film! Do not read if you want to remain unspoiled! WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!
Nothing! Nothing is happening! Well, that’s not true, obviously there are misguided souls who are going about their lives not aware, or at least not exclusively aware, that this is a Shahrukh movie opening weekend. I pity them.
Anyway, here’s something interesting. So, Akshay Kumar agreed to play the villain role in Endhiran (Robot) 2 opposite Rajnikanth. The first Robot was that Rajnikanth movie that Aish used as her last role before baby, and which was referenced in Ra.One (clip after the jump).
So, I saw Dilwale last night, and I will have many many thoughts, slowly unspinning from my head, over the next few days. Rather than try to limit them all to one perfect post, I’m going to just go ahead and post as things slowly rise to the top of my consciousness.
The first thing that strikes me is that this movie is meant to be watched in a theater filled with rowdy and licentious SRK fans. Not the ones who appreciate him for his acting abilities and keen business savvy, the other ones. For instance, one of my friends was wearing this subtle, respectful, and tasteful piece of jewelry.
(purchased on etsy from the shop FreshAndRussianStyle)
So, if you have watched your fair number of 90s Hindi films, you immediately went “Yes! That guy!” as soon as you saw the picture up there. He’s one of those people that wanders in and out of films, playing the guy who is like-the-hero-but-not-as-good. Friend, rival, enemy, brother, what have you. In, like, Everything!!!
He played Sanjay’s best friend and side-kick in Sadak:
(It is a special challenge as a side-kick to make Sanjay look like a good dancer)
A year later, he was in Khiladi, supporting Akshay:
(Shirtless Akshay presents different challenges. Like, being visible on the screen when he is blinding us with his hotness)
The same year, he was Aamir’s rival in Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander
(ooo, they are so evil!)
In 1994, he twice bested Shahrukh in a romantic challenge, in both Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa and Anjaam:
(I love this movie, and I really love this song. I don’t care that it makes no sense on any level. Also, did you know this actress married Shekhar Kapur, director of Mr. India and the Cate Blanchette Elizabeth movies?)
So, with this new movie, there’s going to be a lot of comparisons with past SRKajol films and judgments and greatest hits lists and so on. So I thought, why not join the party! Before I’ve even see Dilwale, so my judgement is not yet sullied. And then I realized, picking a #1 all time best SRKajol film is easy, but the 5 (6, now) after that are hard.
#1, of course, is DDLJ. I say that not just because it is my favorite movie of all time, but because, objectively speaking, it is the highest quality film they have been in together, and the most beloved. The script deals with issues ranging from structural feminism to first versus second generation immigrants to marriage as a personal or societal undertaking. Plus, it has Shahrukh’s all time greatest acting moment:
If you don’t remember all the other awesome bits of the film, YRF conveniently put together this remix for the 20 year anniversary:
(I think I like the remix better than the original, don’t hate me!)
But what comes after DDLJ?
And the protests have started! Sort of lackadaisical ones, and in Delhi,so I guess Raj Thackeray’s efforts against SRK in Bombay didn’t take off? Is it like a family tradition now, for Thackeray’s to try to prevent the release of SRKajol films?
I do want to point out that the Dilwale protesters seem to be having a much better time than the Bajirao protesters. See, even protesting it, Dilwale is the better choice!
According to twitter, house full through out India, UAE, and not Egypt because they have to wait until the 30th (poor Egypt). Also, Madhuri wished him luck and Karan congratulated him. This picture SRK posted to twitter himself kind of sums it up:
So what I’m saying is, poor Bajirao.
So, just heard from my friend who was able to track down a suburban theater that is (possibly illegally) showing Dilwale a day early. She reports that the lobby was mobbed, but mostly with Star Wars people. And that the tickets were $20!!!
I don’t know if this is an effort to make crime pay, or if it is official policy from the filmmakers. If it is official policy, brilliant! I saw an article back when Jab Tak came out saying that any Khan release means an automatic increase of at least 30% on ticket prices. And I know that Southern films always have a rolling pricing system, $20 to $50 the first weekend and then slowly lowering as time goes on. Anyway, all those inflated prices lead to inflated box office figures which may lead to Shahrukh FINALLY knocking Aamir and Salman down a peg, which will lead to me, finally, being able to laugh in the faces of Aamir and Salman fans. And I will pretend not to know, in my heart, that it is just because of higher prices not more tickets sold.
I feel like with all the SRK coverage lately, I haven’t been paying enough attention to Salman. And terrible terrible things happen when Salman feels like he is being ignored. Plus, he did just escape from 15 years in prison, he needs to be celebrated! And he also just made the list of sexiest Asian men (that kid from One Direction is on top, Hrithik is second, SRK is 9, Aamir didn’t make it).
So, yesterday I posted about what a great business man SRK is. Salman just doesn’t seem that interested in business, but I think he probably has quite the natural knack for it, in his own totally nutso way.
I mean, there’s always a lot of SRK coverage. Supposedly, Neha Dhupia said in an interview “Only sex and SRK sell”, a quote which instantly became an aphorism. And with the way her career is going, she is probably going to be more famous for that quote than anything else. And thereby prove her point, because it’s the closest she’s ever come to being associated with SRK.
Anyway, on any random day if you turn to Times of India, they will have some kind of SRK slide-show or news story or something, because they know we will click on it. This habit reached it’s nadir/zenith when this article was briefly their top online headline. It works, of course, I not only clicked on that article but discussed it in depth with multiple people, and checked the site obsessively for any follow-up information they might have.
But with a movie coming out, there is this cycle (sycle?) where Shahrukh is giving greater access than usual, which means more to report, and because there is more reporting, people are thinking about him more and more, and are more likely to click on even old stories if they are posted on a homepage.
Which lead to this, an epic 37 page slide-show combining every single slide-show ToI has ever done on AbRam into one, leading off with the recent quotes about him courtesy of the Dilwale publicity express.
So, this article was posted on rediff yesterday, and I avoided it for fear of spoilers, but turns out it was just a bunch of charming quotes from people.
Highlights:
Varun, in the trailer, you are seen doing the Shah Rukh Khan pose. Did you practice?
Varun: Actually, a lot of work went into that pose because we checked a lot of videos. Kriti checked and even Rohit sir checked. He (Shah Rukh Khan) has a lot of fans and you don’t want to get it wrong because they may come and beat me up at home.
So we really practiced it. I still haven’t perfected it obviously. But now I’ve got it, and I’m going to perfect the pose — hopefully.
SRK: I have not perfected it yet. I’m also trying.
Shah Rukh, because of you, Raj Malhotra is an impossible character to replicate. It’s actually difficult for us to propose to a girl because of your characters. Do you think love from 20 years ago is different from what we see now?
SRK: First thing, I’m sorry you’re not getting through to people because of my Raj. But don’t worry, you’ll get there.
And finally,
SRK: …… I want to thank so many of you — in New York, Canada, London, and everywhere — for making sure that Bollywood is being spread all over the world. If it wasn’t for people like you, who are talking about it, holding onto it — good, bad, in a criticizing way or in an appreciative way — I don’t think Bollywood or Indian films would have reached where they’ve reached in the last 10 years. So thank you very much.
Aw, thank you Shahrukh! And you are welcome!
Notice how I put the really exciting picture at the top so we would remember why this really matters?
So, currently, the highest Shahrukh movie on the all time gross list for India is number 5. NUMBER 5!!! The shame of it! Ahead of him is PK, Bajrangi Bhaijaan, Bahubali, and Dhoom 3. The whole list is here on wikipedia.
Now, you know what all these films have in common? They are all from the past 5 years. And the film at the top is usually from within the past 2 years. In America, we are used to that, the top grossers are always fairly recent, but in India that wasn’t always the case. Mother India set a box office record in 1957 that stayed in place for 3 years until Mughal-E-Azam surpassed it in 1960. Mughal-E-Azam held the record until Sholay beat it in 1975. Sholay held the record until Hum Aapke Hain Koun came along in 1994. Hum Aapke Hain Koun was toppled quickly by DDLJ in 1995. Then DDLJ lost it’s crown to Kuch Kuch Hota Hai in 1998. That record held until 2001 when it was beaten by both Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and Gadar: Ek Prem Katha. Gadar held the record until 3 Idiots in 2009, at which point everyone breathed a sigh of release because they could start pretending Gadar never happened (very very problematic messages in that film). And then 3 Idiots held the record for a long time, by a big big margin, until it was finally beaten by Chennai Express in 2013. All Shahrukh fans cheered and celebrated and laughed in the faces of their Aamir-fan friends, or at least that’s what I did. Truly, it was a magical time!
(Shahrukh, take a bow! You earned it!)
And then about 2 months later, Dhoom 3 came out and Aamir was on top again. It stayed up there for a year, until PK came out, and then Aamir had the two top spots. PK is still up there, but Bajrangi Bhaijaan did really well this summer and came close to beating it. And Bahubali, of course, is a huge deal since it is the only non-Hindi film up there (although it was distributed by a Bombay based production house, Dharma, which is very important in terms of overseas awareness and national reach in India).
So, on the micro-level, this just means we all need to buy as many tickets for Dilwale as humanly possible in order to return Shahrukh to his rightful ranking. I don’t care if you are actually seeing Star Wars, you buy your ticket for Dilwale!!!
But on a macro-level, in terms of global trends, economics, and the future of the industry, what does all of this mean and where does it come from?
So, I finally watched, Magadheera, yay! It’s just as good as everyone said it would be, like Bahubali but only slightly less so. And the hero has beautiful hair and the heroine is spunky and the special effects are super, and it has one sequence that was just jaw-droppingly beautiful:
It starts out just “kill a 100 men so you can show off a lot!”. But then it turns into this sort of endurance effort to show the triumph of the human spirit and soul and nobility, because he is proving himself to his ancestors and his warrior spirit. And then it goes from being bravado to triumph of spirit, to just pure “I must do this for the person I love.” It didn’t even feel romantic to me, more in that “mother lifts a car off her child” kind of arena. Which is why it was so powerful, it turned into something completely selfless and loving and triumphal.
Anyway, I don’t want to talk about any of that. No, what I find interesting in the clip above is the how the Muslim enemy leader comes to respect our hero’s bravery and achievements. Which was a huge relief, because it meant the Muslim character in this movie was going to be an “Honorable Muslim” instead of a “Rapacious Muslim.”
So, I just put Zamaana-Deewana on my Christmas list. I already own it (of course, I own all Shahrukh movies. Yes, even Maya Memsaab), but I need another back-up copy for when my current copy wears out. To which the response I got from my family was “You wore out a copy of ZAMAANA-DEEWANA?!?!?”
See, most people don’t appreciate the brilliance of this film. If you look at it as a straight up 90s rom-com-action-family-gangster film, it’s got a super super sexy song:
and cute baby-faced Shahrukh:
(even cuter in Spanish!)
and an awesome Anupum Kehr drag number:
but otherwise it is nothing special.
But, if you look at in context of the director’s career, it is fascinating!
So, Zamaana-Deewana is the last film directed by Ramesh Sippy, director of Sholay. Poor Ramesh Sippy, at age 28 he made not just his greatest film, but the greatest film in the history of Indian film. Where do you go from there? Where he went was a long descent into irrelevance, fighting it every step of the way.
To back up a moment, let’s talk about Ramesh Sippy’s childhood (if I’ve learned anything from Indian movies, it’s that all the important motivations happen in the childhood flashback). Sippy’s Dad, G.P. Sippy was one of the first, and the few, businessman producers. Because of the legal difficulties with making films in India (censorship, lack of industrial status prior to 1999, constant threat of civil cases against you, the mob’s protection racket, etc. etc.), most producers are also directors (or actors or writers) who get into the business for the love of film rather than simply to make money.
GP Sippy not only got into film to make money, he was really good at it! He started funding films back in the 1950s, and by the 1960s was one of the leading producers in the industry. Eventually, he did get into directing, but it was more from a standpoint of saving a buck and doing it himself than a deep artistic calling.
Ramesh grew up on filmsets, acting where a bit player was needed, watching his father fight with writers and directors until he got the most profitable possible version, making nice with the stars and star composers, learning all that goes into a film.
And then when he was 23, his father gifted him a film, Andaz. It looked like the first financial miss-step of GP Sippy’s producing career-who would let their 23 year old kid direct the two biggest male stars of the day (Shammi Kapoor and Rajesh Khanna) with a recent arrival from the southern industries (Hema Malini), and a plot about widow re-marriage?
And then of course it turned into a huge hit. Shammi gave a totally out of character performance as a sad widower, Rajesh Khanna was riding high on a string of hits and even his glorified cameo appearance gave a boost to the box office, and Hemaji was Hemaji.
This first film was notable for several reasons; the way Ramesh juggled the star cast, the slightly radical societal message, the strong female characters. Ramesh doubled down (literally!) on the strong female characters with his next, Seeta Aur Geeta in which Hema Malini plays identical twins with very different personalities.
He also upped the star cast, having Hema be romanced by both Sanjeev Kumar and Dharmendra (side-note: this was also the beginning of Hema’s real life love triangle between the two men, although watching the film kind of spoils how it will end, as she has crazy chemistry with one of them and not so much with the other). The film was a huge hit, especially internationally. There is a good chance, if you grew up in the USSR during the 1980s, you saw this movie.
Most importantly, Seeta Aur Geeta confirmed the partnership between Sippy and the scriptwriters Salim-Javed. They had worked on Andaz as well, but it was with Seeta Aud Geeta that they proved their brilliance to the Sippy father and son.
The Sippy’s put their faith in Salim-Javed and paid them to start working on their magnum-opus, a film about two crooks who go to save a village from bandits. And thus was born Sholay.
We all know what happened when Sholay came out. Slow start, followed by massive success, ran for 5 years, defined the careers of all who worked in it, Hema Malini married Dharmendra, etc. etc.
But what happened to Ramesh afterwords? Well, eventually, he had to go back to work and try to make something that could compete with his own brilliance. His next film, Shaan, was basically Sholay, but bigger! Two more loafers with hearts of gold, another big bad villain, another noble cop. Only this time, the villain has a remote Island hide-out, and the end fight scene involves helicopters! And, explosions!
(I have no idea what language those subtitles are in) (Update: Romanian! Thank you Anna!)
Basically, he was attempting to imitate his own imitators, who had taken the success of Sholay and only seen in it an epic action film, not an action film with multiple strong social messages, brilliant characterizations, perfect casting, and really, perfect everything.
So, Shaan didn’t work the way he hoped, his next film, he leaned heavily into the social message side of Sholay. And the amazing acting/casting side, as he managed to get Amitabh Bachchan acting against Dilip Kumar (by the way, happy day after your birthday, Dilipsaab!). Great script concept, a noble cop who fights for justice inside the law must confront his own son who fights for justice outside of it, lots of nice twists, some clever call backs to the 1950s classic Awara, it all looks great.
And it is great! Shakti is an evergreen classic. But it was no Sholay. Failed to set the box office on fire, failed to truly win the hearts and minds of the Indian public.
So what’s left for Ramesh to try, as he fights his way down to the bottom? Well, there’s always sex! Saagar, his next, still has that Sippy touch with the casting. He got Dimple Kapadia in her comeback film, which reunited her with her Bobby caste-mate Rishi Kapoor. And southern genius Kamal Haasan in one of his few Hindi roles. But it is mostly remembered because Dimple has a brief topless scene. It was the mid-80s, after a decade of post-Sholay action movies, the audience was mostly made up of teenage boys, and that’s what they wanted.
And then there was Zameen, which hardly made a blip on the film scene (even wikipedia doesn’t have an entry for it), and marked one of the few entries of southern star Rajnikanth in Hindi cinema. The 80s were the era of southern films, as audience turned increasingly to their raunch and action and excess (similar to how they do now), and Sippy tried to live with that. His next film starred Mithun Chakroborty, another southern import.
And then he reached a turning point. Much like one of his own heroes, he shook his fist to the sky and swore he would stop living this life of lies! Or at least, that’s how I picture it. His next film, Akayla, not only starred Amitabh, it was written by Salim-Javed and revolved around twins. It even has a reference to Seeta Aur Geeta built into it! Anyway, this last desperate attempt to reclaim his destiny failed horribly, both critically and at the box office.
(yes, that is Amrita Singh, Saif Ali Khan’s first wife)
And then, finally, 4 years later, we have Zamaana-Deewana. Think of Thakur Sahib patiently watching Ramlaal pound the nails into his shoes. He is methodically and outwardly calm, but inside he is on fire! He wants to destroy, piece by piece, that which took his dreams from him. This is how I picture Ramesh approaching his first 1990s Rom-Com.
So, it opens with a meeting of the police department as they struggle to deal with the gang war going on in their city. A classic set-up for a 70s film exploring the connections between order and disorder, crime and criminals. But it is interrupted! By Anupum Kehr, wacky top-cop, who’s solution for this crime spree is simple: A Love Story!!!
Which leads directly into a 20 minute sequence of Shahrukh Khan and Raveena Tandon falling into picture perfect, saccharine sweet, love. If you watch it straight, it is kind of boring and by the numbers love song.
But it isn’t not straight at all. After it is over, Anupum Kehr admits that it was all his fantasy of how young people will behave and he is promptly shouted down by others, because of course that is a ridiculous fantasy.
To see what Ramesh is getting, compare this:
With this:
Or this:
That is some epic shade, right there! I mean, I love Maine Pyar Kiya and QSQT, but they really do have the most ridiculously sweet and innocent characters. I can see Ramesh Sippy, with his complex character with adult problems, like widow remarriage or violent criminals or the divide between law and justice, just spitting on these puppy-eyed twerps taking over his films.
His point just becomes clearer once we are actually introduced to our hero and heroine as they really are, not as they are imagined. The 90s directors saw Indian youth as pure and innocent, blank slates for emotions, or to put it another way, stupid. Sippy sees them as crazy conmen, full of energy, power, and no direction. Remember, this is our hero:
(still cute in Greek and German!)
The film really peaks in the first half hour, with that awesome fantasy sequence take-down, but there are other delights in store for the viewer who watches it with an eye to the 90s tropes. The ending takes the “interrupted wedding” idea to the extreme, with fathers and other authority figures changing their tunes second by second depending on the perceived marital status of the heroine:
(I also like when she is going to commit suicide by using the ceremonial fire to burn her wedding sari. So the metaphors are just too rich to swallow!)
And of course, we have the extremely literal take on the “oh my goodness, now I know what love is!” moment. The super sexy song above comes about because the hero and heroine’s eyes meet, in the rain, and then they have to be force ably separated and locked in separate rooms, or else they will have sex, right there, and nothing can stop it! Even though, mere hours earlier, they were actually handcuffed together and locked in a bedroom, and nothing happened:
(Because they aren’t in luuuuurrrrv yet.)
Anyway, if you watch this film as a straight up 90s Rom-com-gangster-action film, it ricochets wildly between being super boring (all the set-up for the gangster feud and evil plotting! Get to the point already!), and super strange (why does Anupum Kehr have a ten minute drag scene?). But if you watch it as bitter, angry Ramesh Sippy shouting to the world “See! See what you have reduced me too!”, then it is brilliant.
And I was thinking I was the only person who appreciated it, but based on the only youtube clips I was able to find, it is only India that doesn’t appreciate Sippy, the rest of the world loves him!
Okay, back in October sometime, Shahrukh told Times of India: “Jis film mein main aur Kajol hai, ek romantic gaana toh banta hi hai, jis film mein Varun Dhawan ho, ek dancing number toh banta hi hai, Jisme do bhai ho, ek bhaiyo ka gaana bhi banta hi hai, jisme ek khoobsurat heroine ho uska ek aur gaana bhi banta hi hai, aur jab poori family ho toh ek sad gaana bhi banta hi hai. Aur yeh sab ho jaaye toh ek item number bhi banta hi banta hai.”
Very loosely translated, I think he is saying there will be a romantic number for him and Kajol, a dancing number for Varun, a song about brothers, a song about what a pretty heroine there is, a sad number, and an item number.
So, I don’t actually know if I could line them up one by one at this point (is the romantic number “Janam Janam” or “Gerua”? Or is “Gerua” the beautiful one? Or “Janam Janam” the sad one?), but that means 6 songs, right? And so far we have seen only 4? Counting the new one out today?
The only one I am sure we haven’t seen yet is the item number. I haven’t even heard rumors as to who might be the item person! Although if that is why Ajay was visiting Kajol in Bulgaria, to be the item boy in her film, I will die of happiness!
Oh! No! Even better! That’s why her mom was visiting in Iceland! Tanuja, returning to her roots!
I did it! I got all the way through the first half of Quantico, watching just in case there is a moment that directly relates to or reveals something about Priyanka’s Indian career. And there is not! But I will be back in March (or whenever), just in case at some point she breaks character, faces the camera, and tells us all about what she really thinks about Kareena Kapoor, what the big fight with Karan Johar was about, and if Ranveer Singh actually hates her as much as he seems to in interviews (and vice versa).
So far, it’s just been a bunch of stuff that those who watch her Indian stuff already know: she is totally willing to do sexy scenes and kisses, her hair is great, she definitely has a new nose, and she has weird chemistry with powerful older men. Oh, and she can’t act (duh).
What I didn’t realize before was how much she is willing to sell out her identity in order to make it overseas. I know that she isn’t the one writing the show or producing it, but she claims she had her choice of scripts and concepts, and this is the one she chose? One that turns a Christmas episode into a New Years one because they didn’t want to deal in anyway with whether a Hindu and a Muslim would celebrate Christmas? One that, last week, dismissed her Om bracelet as a symbol of her personal identity, rather than a sign of her being a practitioner of the 3rd largest religion in the world? One that argues we should avoid violence against the Muslim community because it will turn them against us, not because it is wrong?
In his interview last month with Vogue India, Shahrukh Khan was once again asked why he has never taken a role in an American film, despite being the most popular international star:
“I hope everyone who ‘goes across’ does very well. We’re the biggest filmmaking country in the world and it’s time we were outbound. Yes, if there’s a film with the right role for me, I’ll do it. But I’ll be honest; I’ve never been offered such a film….They should be [afraid of me]. They have to offer me something that doesn’t disrespect my audience of 1.2 billion. I’d never disrespect that,”
Not just Shahrukh, but all of the major stars have given some version of this explanation. Aamir, Salman, Amitabh, they don’t want to work overseas unless it is something that respects them, and respects their audience.
So the biggest thing I learned about Priyanka from my death march through this show is that she doesn’t respect her audience, and she doesn’t seem to respect herself much either.
(Image above from santabanta.com)
So, Salman’s appeal was approved! He has been cleared on manslaughter charges in the 2002 reckless driving case. A triumph for something, certainly, if not exactly justice.
Now, I could talk about the issues with the court system in India, the price of fame and the power of money, whether punishment or reform is the purpose of the criminal justice system, and so on and so on, but I don’t really care about all that.
No, much more important, is: will Salman now, finally, get married? He has claimed for years that he wants to get married, only he couldn’t think about it with this court case hanging over him. Now that it has been resolved, time to place your bets!
This isn’t to say that I actually believe Salman has been putting off marriage because of jail. After all, Sanjay got married twice while waiting for his charges to resolve! But it was certainly a convenient excuse for Salman to pull out for the past 12 years every time things started to get serious.
Lulia Ventur is where Times of India is putting its money. Eastern European, been seen with him for years, he said something in a interview a few months ago about a family tradition of marrying outside his culture, and supposedly he bought her a house.
However, on the downside, she may already have a husband. I am sure a lawyer who can get a manslaughter charge to go away could also disappear an inconvenient husband. Again, though, it worked for Sanjay (his current wife may have been only about 75% divorced at the time of their wedding).
But I say, why not think outside the box! For example, Sangeeta Bijlani, Salman’s very first documented girlfriend. A former Miss India and a movie star, they dated back in the early 90s when both their careers were on the upswing. They broke up for unclear reasons (possibly he was cheating, possibly she just wanted to be married and he wasn’t ready), and she went on to marry Mohammad Azharuddin, the Muslim Captain of the Indian Cricket team who was banned from playing thanks to a match-fixing scandal. Apparently, her type is Muslims-at-the-top-of-their-profession-who-become-targets-for-possibly-too-extreme-punishments. Also, Emraan Hashmi is playing her husband in the upcoming biopic Azhar (lucky him! Emraan will make him even hotter than he was in real life). She is being played by Nargis Fakhri (poor her).
Now, Sangeeta got divorced back in 2010, so she is on the market again. She has stayed friendly with Salman, even visited him just now to congratulate him on getting off the charges. Is this the beginning of a campaign? One of those reminders that all the reasons they broke up in the first place now longer matter? I like the idea of someone age appropriate, someone with history with him. It would be sweet, like those high school sweethearts that reunite decades later!
After Sangeeta, of course, came Aish. Can you imagine the scandal if they got back together? It would be the biggest thing since ever! Frankly, I don’t know if the industry could survive, the camps would become so hard drawn it would be impossible to actually put together enough of a crew to get a film made. But even if it led to the end of Indian film as we know it, the scandal would be so juicy, it would almost be worth it! It even almost makes sense, the Bachchan’s certainly keep Aish on a tight leash, whereas the Khans let their daughter-in-law’s do whatever they want!
Plus, while Abhishek has a better family, Salman is the better catch just for himself. And, as Aaradhya’s mother, she’s got a lifetime connection to the Bachchan’s whether or not the marriage lasts. I could see Aish taking a calculated risk, and she definitely seems like the one-that-got-away for Salman, who would take her back in a heartbeat! Especially if she managed to play into his savior complex!
Speaking of scandal, what about Kat? What if she still loves Salman and only moved on to Ranbir because she thought he would never be ready to be married? Plus, Salman’s family looooooooooves her and the Kapoors, apparently, do not. Ranbir actually moved out of his family home to live with her, which is a pretty big sign, considering no man in his family has moved out of that house in the past 60 years. But can you imagine the end of Kuch Kuch playing out in real life, but with Salman playing Shahrukh, Kat playing Kajol, and Ranbir playing Salman?
But then there is my dream relationship. What if Salman sincerely didn’t want to get married until the court case was settled? What if he has been secretly hiding emotions in his heart for a long-time friend and, now that the sword hanging over his head is lifted, he will rush to her side, finally confess his emotions, and the music will swirl and they will be on a mountaintop! So, stick with me on this:
What if he has been in love with Karisma Kapoor for the past two decades?
Picture it: they meet on the set of Nishchaiy (1992) for the first time as semi-adults. She is just barely 18, he is dating Sangeeta. They become friends, more than that, he becomes her protector and defender onset and off (all of this so far is more or less true). He breaks up with Sangeeta a few years later, but by then Karisma is old enough to date and has started a relationship with Ajay Devgn. She breaks up with him, he moves on to Kajol, and meanwhile Salman is sewing his wild oats. Right when he is ready to get serious again, Karisma starts dating and becomes engaged to Abhishek Bachchan. Salman, around the same time, starts a serious relationship with Aish. Abhishek dumps Karisma weeks before the wedding. Meanwhile, Salman and Aish’s relationship implodes. Karisma has already moved on and started dating Sanjay Kapur, heir to a wealthy Delhi family, known for his polo playing and his drug charges. Salman starts dating 19 year old Katrina Kaif. Karisma’s marriage quickly turns into disaster. After two children, she returns to Bombay, where she is quickly welcomed back by her old friend, Salman Khan, who breaks up with Katrina around the same time.
So, all of the above is actually true and accurate, but imagine this interpretation. What if Salman has been in love with her for years? What if, in my lovely fanfic, Sangeeta broke up with him because she could sense he was in love with someone else, but by then Karisma was already with someone. What if he started dating Aish in a desperate attempt to forget Karisma and Abhishek’s relationship? What if Aish figured it out and confronted him, thus leading to the massive nervous breakdown that caused the very manslaughter accusation of which he was just exonerated? What if, never having recovered from having been rejected for Karisma, Aish’s whole marriage to Abhishek is just some obscure form of revenge, by getting the one man Karisma couldn’t get in revenge for her taking the one man she wanted?
What if Salman has been quietly waiting for Karisma to work through the last tangles of her marriage, afraid to speak his mind while she was still technically another man’s and while the threat of jail hung over his head? What if the music swells and they look in each other’s eyes, and suddenly….
Okay, so I know this is mostly me being crazy and reading too many romance novels, but after surviving her parents’ very public separation, supporting her whole family as a teenager, then being dumped by her first boyfriend, jilted by her fiance, and destroyed by her husband, I just want Karisma to be happy! And what could be better than to marry the one man with the power, fame, and, frankly, terrifying insane temper, to make all of that go away?
So, I am a huge huge sucker for a good fanvid, have been for years. Going all the way back to when I was in college and I would take a break from studying to browse around and try to dig up a new SRKajol vid.
After over a decade of loving these things, I think I have figured out 3 categories of fanvids, specific to Indian fandom.
First, there is fanvid that expands on the themes of an existing artwork, for instance this fabulous one from Alina Yuvvraaj:
Or these, from lalilly:
Then there are the fanvids that expand on the particular awesomeness of a particular star. Like this, my all time favorite from Zizi K:
Or this one from Alina Yuvvraaj again:
So, both of those kinds of videos, based on a particular movie or a particular star, you can find in any fandom. Where I think it starts to get unique, is in the next two categories.
First, there are the videos based on a particular mood. Since Indian film follows the Rasa theory, where the goal is to evoke a particular mood at a particular moment, rather than a cohesive mood through out one narrative, a wide variety of films might have particular scenes that flow seamlessly between the borders of their individual movies.
Like this, the moment when you are in love without realizing it yet and happy (from half a dozen different movies with the same moment). By Zizi K again:
Or this, which evokes the specific mood of “young and drunk at a club”, by MRSEMRAAN:
Or this, which has the very specific-to-Indian-film emotion described right there in the title. Women who are sad, and the men who love them from MRSEMRAAN again:
And then finally, there is my favorite category, the totally made up full narratives that go across multiple films and, occasionally, all the way into real life footage. This is really unique to Indian film, because Indian film is uniquely cohesive film to film. The same jodis play the same characters going through the same narrative beats over the over again. And even into real life, in interviews and publicity tours, they interact the same way. And who knows, maybe it is even related to the reincarnation in Hinduism! According to some versions, even Ram and Sita were reborn multiple times and lived out their story over and over.
Anyway, one of my favorites, which seamlessly moves between real life and film. Almost convinces me that Kajol really is eating her heart out, from MissCinemaObsessive:
and then I watch this from lalilly and feel better:
(see, they’re just friends after all!)
Or this one, where she actually does get him, even though he is himself and she is village-Kajol, from Zizi K:
Or this, where it’s not just SRKajol, but SRKajol vs Kajol/Salman and Kajol/Saif, from LUANSU (LUANSU was also the first fanvid maker I found, back in college):
It’s not just SRKajol, I literally screamed with delight when I found this one, hitting up the scandals old school! And using all film footage to tell a real life story, very impressive! From TheMelicrazyy:
And this leads into the bonus subcategory, fake storylines pulling together multiple films, but with stars who never actually acted together! Because actors and their characters are so consistent across films, and all films are so consistant with the kind of scenes they include, you can actually craft a narrative revolving around people who have never been onscreen together (my favorite of these is the Abhishek/Kajol/Rani “Teardrops on My Guitar” that was briefly posted like 6 years ago by Nouf89, and then pulled down. My white whale! If someone out there has it, please send me a copy!). But these are nice too. From rmskch:
(this is so impressive! Remember they have only been onscreen together for less than ten seconds in her friendly appearance in KANK)
And I had never even considered these options, from 3bit89:
(none of these three has ever costarred with each other in anything!)
So, did I do this right? Are there the same number of categories as promised in the post-title? I think so:
The love and violence and love-means-violence is all tied up together in this. My first thought was “so untraditional! What happened to SRKajol, the happpy-go-lucky NRI romance?” But then I remembered that their first movie together was Baazigar, which had this:
Even DDLJ had this:
So really, Kajol shooting him through the heart is just a return to their roots! Or else, she is finally getting revenge on him for heartlessly killing her sister (always bothered me that she wasn’t more angry at him for that) (in Baazigar, not in real life. So far as I know, he has never done anything to Tanisha)
Bonus, it looks like they have almost the same meet-cute as SRK and Divya Bhatya in his very first movie, Deewana:
Nothing more romantic that almost running someone over!
Speaking of Deewana, it also has another reminder that angry unhinged SRK=sexy SRK:
I found her! Just now! My favorite item girl! Her name is Mumait Khan, and I just learned that an hour ago after being her fan for a decade.
I first noticed her in a song in Hulchul:
That’s her in the more yellow-y sari, with the face piercings and the awesome attitude. Actually, they all have attitude in this song. Whenever I read a think piece about how sexy item numbers are bad for women, I want to make the author watch this! They are just freaking dominating that village square! And if men choose to watch them, they take it as their due, but they aren’t doing it for the men, they are doing it for themselves.
Anyway, shortly after that I noticed it was her in this song from Asambhav too, with a very poorly fitting blouse:
So uncomfortable looking! I just want to hoist that blue thing up! It’s way too tight, and way too low. But otherwise, this song is awesome again. She’s trapped on an island with a bunch of horny terrorists, and she is in complete control.
So far as I could tell, the only time she actually had a speaking part in a film, instead of just doing a fabulous dance in the background, is in Lucky: No Time for Love. Maybe to punish her for having lines, the dance number they give her is much less awesome than usual:
The only bits that are awesome are thanks to her. The other three girls are giving me more of a “innocent school girl about to be raped by a bunch of creepy guys” vibe (that is their school uniform, and they are 17). Whereas she is giving me more of a “not so innocent young woman about to happily flirt like crazy with everyone in sight and then leave them wanting more” kind of feeling.
Anyway, I’ve been seeing her pop-up here and there for years, but it was impossible to figure out her actual name. Even imdb doesn’t help, since it’s not like she has a named role in the film. I tried searching for “actors in common”, but Indian film is such a small world, every movie has multiple actors in common, and I couldn’t sort her out from the rest.
But tonight, thanks to a recommendation from a friend who knows more about the south than I do, I am watching Chatrapathi, a Telegu movie with the same director and star as Bahubali. And there she is! At first, I am just super happy to have a new song with her, and then I realize this is finally my chance to find out who she is! Sure enough, there is only one person in common between Hulchul and Chatrapathi, Mumait Khan. According to imdb, her father is from the south, her mother is from Pakistan, and she grew up just outside Bombay.
But I was able to find out even more than that! That name sounded familiar to me, so I dug through my books, and she was actually profiled by Anupama Chopra (love her!) back in January of 2005. Her life story is kind of old-fashioned, actually. Just like Helen or Nargis or Meena Kumari, she went to work at a young age to support her family and film work was all she could get. Her father was laid off, she had younger siblings, the family was struggling, so at age 14 she went to work at the best job she could get, dancing in films, in the chorus for $35 a day. After years of work, she finally got her big break, age 17, in Munna Bhai MBBS (love the movie, so-so on this particular song actually, but her attitude is fabulous):
Two years later, when Anupama interviewed her, she had made enough to move her family out of their house and into a modern apartment. She was also rumored to be about to break through to the west, possibly be featured in a music video. And, because of this, she said she was experimenting with piercings and tattoos. Which, no-no-no-no-no! She was already tattooed and pierced and awesome, right from the start. More likely, some manager had told her to say that it was for the West, so she could pretend that at heart she was still a good, traditional, Indian girl.
But the thing is, she is! At least, she is a traditional Item Girl. Helen, the greatest of all item girls, has an almost identical resume. She was sent out to support the family in puberty the best way she could, as a background dancer. As a teenager, she was finally given her big break and her star-power and personality was immediately recognized. It’s still recognizable, watch this song and tell me you don’t immediately fall in love with her:
She also never became an actress, never had more than a few lines in a film, but instead spent her career being the sexually confident and aggressive woman that the heroine could never be, but that the audience, both male and female, needed to see.
I don’t know if it is because of a childhood spent dancing their heart out, or the knowledge that they could support a family better than a man before they were 16, but I feel like these two women, Mumait (so happy to have a name for her!) and Helen, have a certain something when they attack the camera in these songs that is just missing from the new faux-item girls.
I’m talking about songs like this with Priyanka in Ram-Leela:
Or Katrina Kaif in Sheila:
Don’t get me wrong, those songs are great, but they are just missing something that you get when it is a whole-hearted item girl, someone who knows she will never be that girl the hero falls in love with, that this is her one moment in the sun. That we may never even know her name, but by she will make sure we never forget her!
Kat and Priyanka want me to love them, Helen and Mumait DEMAND that I worship them.
dontcallitbollywood 